Recap: Dancing with the Stars: The Dance Macabre! - 
by B-side
How to describe last night's Dancing with the Stars? Well, let's put it this way: there were four teams dancing and ninety minutes to fill. That's right. It was filler-tastic. Granted, it wasn't anything as frustrating as those interminable results shows, but man, last night certainly seemed long, despite the overall great dancing on display. By the time Emmitt Smith had returned to the stage for his second dance, it was hard for me to keep my eyes on the screen. Luckily, we had enough Halloween zaniness to pull us through, and once again we couldn't help but wonder: would we finally see the perfect score? A scary possibility indeed!
This week's show embraced the Halloween theme to the hilt: the dancer were decked out in dark, "scary" makeup, pumpkins adorned the stage, and the entire dance floor was covered in smoke -- almost as if it were a veritable graveyard to such hopeful hoofers as Vivica A. Fox, Jerry Springer, and Tucker Carlson. Additionally, an extreme closeup shot revealed that none other than Len Goodman had sprouted a set of fangs in his mouth (personally, I always saw him as more of an unwrapped mummy).
Later we found out that Len wasn't the only one thirsting for blood: all the other judges and Joey Lawrence were rockin' the fangs, and while her teeth looked normal, Samantha Harris tried to hone her inner Dracula too by attempting a labored, awful Transylvanian accent (and evil laugh). In true Sammy Har form, it was awful/amazing.
Yes...
YES...
YES!!!!!
As for the dancing, it was the same old, same old. Each team would again be performing two different styles that were new to them: one ballroom, one latin. Was it me, or did previous seasons have more variety? (And shorter episodes, good GOD!) Anyway, enough carping. On to the show!
Joey & Edyta
This week, Joey's big task was to learn the tango and the paso doble -- two infamously passionate and intense dances. He also had to build on the momentum he had gathered from last week's show, and what better way to do that than to draw some inspiration from the fam. That's right, brothers Matthew and Andy (a.k.a. the Lawrences with hair) stopped by the rehearsal space to lend some support and learn a few steps from Edyta (read: stare at her breasts).
After this goofy video was done, we moved onto the tango, which was performed to the smoldering tune of... The Adams Family? That's right, as the house band sang the famous "They're creepy, and they're kooky..." refrain, Joey and Edyta bounded across the floor in a cartoonish but highly entertaining tango. The entire experience was slightly surreal, but in the end, the judges all loved it, with Len calling it "fantastic." Incidentally, Len also nearly called Joey "Jerry" and seemed to need a few seconds to remember the actor's real name. Nevertheless, Joey earned a ten from Carrie Ann INABA and nines from Len and Bruno for a total of twenty-eight points. As you can imagine, the bobblefangs were going at full force.
Mario & Karina
Next up were Mario and Karina with the waltz. The video package preceding their first dance wasn't entirely interesting. It was merely just an ode to stress as the two bickered endlessly about their upcoming performance. Surprisingly, the segment featured not one family member nor a trip to a spa. Blasphemy! These videos have jumped the shark!
Anyway, Mario revealed to us that in the waltz, he'd be playing a man mourning the loss of his love who gets the chance to say goodbye through the interpretative powers of dance. Basically, it was Ghost on parquet. "Kind of gives me goosebumps," Mario told us in his "This is my humble voice" voice.
Faux-modesty or not, Mario and Karina were amazing once again. I resisted wanting to be touched by this dance because a) acknowledging waltz as a narrative is highly emasculating, and b) there's something about Mario's slick ways that makes me not want to fall for his schtick. But what can I say? I fell for the schtick and became emasculated. The waltz really was beautiful, and I thought for sure Carrie Ann would be all teary-eyed. Unfortunately, she wasn't, but that didn't mean she didn't rave about the dance's poignancy. In fact, all the judges were blown away by Mario's softer side (of Sears). Afterwards, Samantha Harris asked him about being in character, and Mario oddly said, "It's easy to mourn if you think Karina's left her life." I guess that was a compliment, but it kind of sounded like he was wishing she were dead. Nevertheless, Mario pulled in nines from Carrie Ann and Len and a ten from Bruno. Wait, let me rephrase that. A "TENNN!!!!!" from Bruno. Total: Twenty-eight.
Monique & Louis
Another week, another shameless promotion for High School Musical, the TV phenomenon produced by ABC's sibling, The Disney Channel. This time around, since Monique had apparently exhausted her supply of co-stars, the director and choreographer of the movie stopped by to lend his support. Great. Who's next? Annette from craft services?
Anyway, the whole thing with Monique this week was that she was striving to get her first ten, and in order to make her mark, Louis was going to push her to the limit with some tough choreography. Mo' looked up for the challenge, but when it came time to dance the tango, it was patently obvious that she couldn't always keep up with her persnickety partner (who was sporting some severe faux-sideburns). Even though there were elements of their dance that were really awesome, ultimately, the stumbles cost Monique precious points. The judges credited her for being ambitious and gutsy week in and week out, but in this case, she had simply overextended herself. Meanwhile, Louis looked like he wanted to kick all the judges's asses (as well as anyone else's in a ten foot radius).
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