Recap: Dancing with the Stars: Best Semi-Finals Ever? - 
by B-Side
It's semi-finals time on Dancing with the Stars! That means the producers will somehow fill up ninety minutes with two dances from three pairs. If there's any show that can streeeeetch content, it's Dancing with the Stars, but even this seems like a feat that can't be accomplished. Then again, anything can happen when a chintzy mirrorball is on the line!
In an effort to make this quick and painless, I've decided to plunge into this recap a little differently. I'm not doing a liveblog, per se, but I am going to blog as I go -- pausing after each performance to write my comments, rather than waiting until the end of the show. I guess not many people will really care about this, but for those TVgasm methodologists out there, now you have some insights into the machine that is a Dancing with the Stars recap. But enough babbling. In the great words of Mark Twain: Less talk, more mambo!
The show starts off promisingly enough: Tom Bergeron greets us happily and then reveals this episode's secret weapon: the election update! Yes, in a novel new way of mixing filler with information, we cut to Charles Gibson at his desk o' election glory. I probably should listen to his update, but then again, this is a TV blog, not Wonkette. Fast forward ahoy!
Memo to ABC: election results would be much more entertaining if they were relayed to us via the Paso Doble. Also, when it comes time to announce how many seats the Republicans have lost, I'd prefer it if those numbers were revealed via Bruno Tonioli's paddle. Hey Bruno, how many seats have the Dems taken from the Republicans?
ELEVEN!!!!!
Anyway, back to the show. Samantha Harris reminds us that it's election night in America and there's a lot to keep track of, but more importantly, THERE ARE THREE DANCERS LEFT!!!! Elections schmelections!
We then move onto our next chunk of filler material: the Best of the Results Shows! Yes, we're using a compilation of filler as filler. How very meta. I'm hoping we'll have more of these filler compilations, and then later, we can have a compilation of the compilations.
Oh wait, I spoke too soon. This isn't a compilation of filler as much as it is a complete re-airing of a Rod Stewart performance (complete with bulging, semi-exposed pot belly). Yes, it's recycled filler! You know what that means: more to come!
No, no, no -- it is a compilation after all. After the Rod Stewart number, we then watch Maksim's portion of the group cha cha cha again. Will the wonders ever cease? To the fast forward button!
A Lionel Richie performance and a commercial break later, and we've successfully gone twelve minutes with nary a live dance. Well done! And now, let's get to the dancing... after a peak at the DAMN GROUP JIVE FROM ANOTHER RESULTS SHOW. Seriously...
The only good part about all of this is that we get to see that groovy "swop" performance again. I'm nearly tempted to stop fast forwarding. But then I realize that I still have to recap a whole lotta dancing. Onwards and upwards...
At last, twenty four minutes into the show and after a second commercial break, it looks like we might finally be starting the show for reals, yo. Might our stars be hitting the stage in the discernible future? YES! At last, THE OPENING CREDITS! Let's get this thing going!
The stars all descend the staircase of ballroom majesty, and already, the TVgasm snickering is at full force. Joey appears to be wearing some sort of neo-Gene Kelley sailor outfit. Emmitt, on the other hand, looks like he bought his outfit from The Mao Zedong Ballroom Boutique. At least Mario looks dapper in his red and black ensemble.
But enough fashion. Let's go over tonight's ground rules. Since this is the semi-finals, each pair gets to choose their own dances: one ballroom, one latin of their own liking. What will everyone pick? It's like Choose Your Own Adventure... with sequins!
Mario & Karina
First up are Mario and Karina, who we learn will be performing the tango first. The two are hellbent on redeeming themselves from their disaster earlier this season when Len slapped them with an angry six. Before we get to the dancing though, we go to Mario's old high school where the mayor of Chula Vista announces that that day (whatever day it was) will forever be known as MARIO LOPEZ DAY! I'm totally taking a sick day for that next year. When my boss asks me what's up, I'll just be like "Yo, it's Mario Lopez Day. I gotta dance!"
As Mario addresses the crowd, he tells us in an interview, "I always love being the guest speaker, talking to the kids, and even providing a little inspiration." We then cut to him telling the assembled masses, "Please get all your friends and your family to please vote [for me]!!!" Consider this viewer inspired! Way to tackle the big issues!
Mario and Karina then take to the dancefloor and perform an awwwwesome tango. Yes, it's worth all three of those extra "w"s. The two are on point, to say the least. If they don't get at least two tens, something is wrong with America.
After the tango, Tom does his customary shout out to the band, which means we get to see that one kooky singer in all her glory. This week, she's eschewed her pseudo-Indian headdress in favor of a decidedly un-ballroom, tight-fitting zebra print outfit that happily showcases her heaving bosom. It's election night in America, and I vote that woman ENCHANTING!
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