Across the street, we see Mike and Susan kissing. When Mike pulls away he says he can’t keep doing the casual romance thing. Susan says that keeping it casual just means no commitment, and you can’t date anyone else. Teri Hatcher is like that crazy girl you dated in college. You know, the one you’d see walk down your dorm hallway every other day even though she lived nowhere near you.

Once Mike tells her he needs more, and for her to accept Zach, his psychotically crazy son that held her at gunpoint and stalked her daughter, she immediately relents. She is ruled by her cooch, which is surprisingly just as apt to get into all sorts of slapsticky misadventures. I remember one time when they were using this extended use condom but it was on backwards, and then when the doorbell rang and… well never mind. That’s for the soon to be revealed adult version of TVgasm’s site, where we do snark-filled reviews of all the latest porn movies. Sg-dub will be covering gang bangs, B-Side’s tackling girl-on-girl films and me, well, I’m into the freaky German stuff.

Speaking of fans of freakish fetish videos, we then see George outside Bree’s house where they have just finished up a night of being “friends.� Bree kisses George in his forehead, saying that it’s too soon after Rex’s death for anything else, meaning those lips will not go below the equator anytime soon. Andrew, Bree’s snotty kid, comes out and after Bree invites George to dinner Friday, he starts a shoving match with George. Can’t really blame him, it’s a nebbish dorky loser moving in on his mom less than a month after their dad died. And oh yeah, he’s the one who killed him. But we’re the only ones who know that. What isn’t a secret is the kid who plays Andrews' lack of acting skills. That, unfortunately, is something we are all made painfully aware of.

The next day, when doing laundry, Bree blackmails Andrew into showing up at the dinner by threatening not to give him the money for an entrance fee to a school swim meet. So this town's high school has swim meets where the entrance fees are so exorbitantly high most high school students can’t afford them? Does this make any sense at all? Oh man, it's edging again!

Over at Parker's posh private school they’ve brought Lynette in because Parker rammed a teacher with his umbrella because they wouldn’t give Mrs. Mulberry a seat. When the principal asks if there has been a death in the family recently (imaginary friends are usually created to cope with loss), Lynette breaks down in tears. She now realizes that it’s because she has gone back to work. We can now assume Lynette will fix this problem the way she fixes all her problems. By figuring out a way to lie to the people she loves. Looks like Teri Hatcher isn't the only one with an eerie similarity to Jamie Farr.

At the Van De Kamp dinner, George is telling unfunny stories and Andrew seems to be eating it up. We're talking King of Queens and Two and a Half Guys unfunny. Almost, dare I say it, Mind of Mencia unfunny. OK, OK, it’s not that bad. But it's close. Andrew, it turns out, is faking it. Once Bree goes into the kitchen, he starts pushing George’s buttons by asking if he’s a virgin, and then giving an impression of his own mother's moaning sounds during sex. And once again I am reminded how much better this show would be on HBO. Bree then comes back in the room with dessert. And it's her favorite. As she takes a bite she starts making little squealing sounds that Andrew lets George know are the exact sounds she makes while having sex. Now I don’t know about you, but if I made the same sounds I make during sex when I’m eating my favorite food, I’d be banned from every Taco Bell in the tri-state area.

Once Andrew does this, George takes the bait and explodes, ordering him to his room. Since he isn't Andrew’s dad, Bree takes Andrew's side, leaving George further humiliated. And if there's one rule to live by, It's don't put Baby in a corner. Also, George doesn't like it either.

The next day Bree tells George that she can’t see him anymore because she needs to focus on Andrew. When George recommends sending him back to the “behavioral modification camp,� she refuses. The only thing that would make her do that is if he really got out of control. This gets George thinking….

Over at the park Susan and Mike are handing out fliers with Zach’s picture on it. When Susan goes off to get some ice cream she spots Zach. And what happens next is he and Susan confront each other in the most tense and brilliantly written pieces of television all year. Oh, c’mon! Who am I kidding! It’s Susan! Queue up the Benny Hill theme music, because its time for a wacky chase! Uh oh. Look out for those guys carrying that huge pane of glass across the street! And, look, a fruit cart. Don’t run into it! After the requisite Susan-embarrassing-herself moment of the week has wrapped up, she goes back to Mike and when he asks what’s the matter, she lies and doesn’t tell him she saw Zach. Not only that, she never even got to take a bite of her ice cream, since it flew everywhere in the madcap chase. This is sad because Teri Hatcher needs fat in her diet really, really badly. She looks like Skeletor, for god's sake.

Posted by EdHIll on October 19, 2005 10:21 AM