Mary Alice in Wonderland - 
by
By Umnata (formerly Eddie)
Uneven. Over the top. Plastic Face. These are just some of the adjectives that have been used to describe what has been going on at Wisteria Lane this season on Desperate Housewives. Over the course of its second season, Desperate Housewives hit its sophomore slump harder than Paris Hilton gets pumped on a Greek stranger’s camera phone. It became pretty easy to see how the show was about to flame out by year’s end. Rather then getting attached to the lame storylines of the season, it was easier to let your imagination run wild over the “Teri Hatcher stole my anti-aging potion!” tidbits that would be uncovered in the inevitable E! True Hollywood Story. The show kind of became so bad it was good. And hey, there ain’t nothing wrong with so bad its good (says the guy who saw Poseidon and LOVED it). But then after last week’s episode which I HATED (in case you didn’t get that point from my recap last week), I thought that was it. The show was now so bad that it was just plain old-fashioned bad. The kind of bad you just don’t think you’ll get to see anymore. It made a left turn at Lindsay Lohan-bad and smacked right into Hilary Duff-horrible. I thought there was no hope. Needless to say, the thought of a two-hour season finale was almost unbearable. And then, wouldn’t you know it, those robots on Wisteria Lane turned around and gave me a pretty solid episode that actually entertained and, gasp, intrigued me. Find out why after the jump.
Tonight’s overly dramatic, painfully delivered Mary Alice voiceover (“MARY ALICE knewwww that her voiceovvvers were annoying, but there was NOTHING she could do. Tostopthem.“) lets us know that this isn’t the first time to Betty Applewhite has moved in the middle of the night. Although Betty is so concerned about getting off Wisteria Lane ASAP, she decides there is still time to play a little number on the piano. Now, lest we forget that Betty is not only a concert pianist, she is a magic concert pianist. On at least two separate occasions she was able to distract a whole room full of fairly intelligent people by her piano playing so that they would either forget about the forming of a neighborhood watch or fail to notice that her mentally challenged son was being snuck out of a psychiatric facility.
Tonight, Betty’s piano playing is going to transfer us back to the night that Melanie Foster was murdered. One year ago, Matthew wanted to break up with his girlfriend Melanie, I think possibly because she was really an Asian Street Hooker, as she was ready to give him a hand job in the foyer of his house while his mother played Caleb a little diddy on the piano in the next room. Matthew says no, probably because he’s still on a round of penicillin from the Chlamydia she gave him last month, but Melanie turns around and offers him a goodbye bang at the lumber yard that night. Aww young love! At this point it should be noted that Melanie is way hotter than Danielle Van Decamp. Caleb overhears their conversation and thinks that this is his time to strike and get Melanie on the rebound. He may be mentally retarded, but man can Caleb spot a girl who needs to get it!
Caleb takes a short cut and makes it to the lumberyard before Matthew and surprises Melanie with flowers and profession of his love. Melanie, in turn, laughs at him profusely and tells him he’s pathetic. So she’s a slut AND she’s mean to retarded people? They aren’t exactly making her impending murder a tragedy, are they? When Caleb gets a little feisty with her, Melanie retaliates and picks up a 4 x 4 and starts to whack Caleb. Caleb is a mountain of a man, and Melanie could fit in his back pocket; so he’s able to take the 4 x 4 from her and bash her in the face with it. Since it’s very likely that on her way to the lumberyard Melanie clubbed a baby seal just for laughs, this potentially shocking moment kind of feels empty. Now in the present, Betty is finishing her song and seems weary from the travel back to 2005, but as they are getting ready to leave, the cops show up and arrest both Caleb and Betty in front of the whole town. Message to all you Wisteria Lane Dwellers: when the two new neighbors getting arrested in the middle of the night isn’t even the most exciting thing to happen on your block in the past month – it’s time to move. Property values are plummeting.
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