As I said before this episode is going to be flashing back to the moves of our main ladies (except, oddly, Edie). In the literal sense we get to see all of the Lovely Wisteria Lane Ladies (they should join a bowling league), as they move in and have their first encounter with our spiritual guide, Mary Alice aka the Spectre. First up is Susan. Mary Alice starts by informing us that 14 years ago on the first day that Susan popped up on Wisteria Lane, she was intimidated by her and how together she was. NOT! Remember!?!? Susan is a mess! Always has been, always will be! This week’s zany adventure involves her getting locked in her moving truck while a baby Julie (too young to realize how hard it’s going to be having SkeleHatcher as a mother) sits outside in the stroller. Now, this season as a whole, the slapstick mishaps of Ms. Susan Meyer, have grown a little… well, terrible. Where last season it worked, this season things like Susan running around with a cane just didn’t fly. However, I must say this little scene is kind of charming. I know, I know, my heart is growing three sizes, and it’s not even Christmas. Mary Alice kindly helps Susan out and the two start to talk about Susan’s life and how happy she is and how wonderful Carl is and how much she loves her new bangs, and BAM flash forward and we’re staring out Susan’s burnt down house and grown out hair.

I have bangs! My hair is soooo now!

Susan has blindfolded Julie and is showing her where they are going to live until the remodel is complete: An RV! Susan says that they can’t stay at Bree’s forever because she’ll be coming home from her spa vacation (read: looney bin) any day. I don’t necessarily see why they can’t stay at Bree’s forever. It doesn’t seem like Danielle’s coming back, Rex is dead and Andrew is probably living in New Hampshire with Johnny Cakes by now. I say as long as they don’t ever shine a black light around Andrew’s room, they’ll be comfy in there for a long time. But NOOOO, Susan is going to make her daughter live in a trailer. In a piece of unintentional comedy, Susan mentions six book proposals in the works, which means that she actually has a career; although, we’ve never really seen her do anything besides awkwardly get kissed by her book editor Vizzini (Inconceivable!).

Susan is now washing her car/home/trailer, and all I keep thinking is how this is probably what Tawny Kattan would look like if someone shot a Whitesnake video today. Instead of leaping from car to car seductively, she’d be washing her trailer in an oversized sweatshirt. Tom spots Susan and starts giving her the third degree about where Lynette is. Susan unconvincingly tells him he has spoken to Lynette and decides to pretend like she’s concerned with their marriage and asks him if everything is okay. He then saunters off, and Susan calls Lynette, who has taken their kids, or as I like to call them, the MINIONS FROM HELL, away while she figures out what to do about Tom’s assumed infidelity.

Just Matt stopping by on his way back to Melrose Place.

Continuing with the let’s-make-Susan-likable theme of the night, Mike brings over some coffee and correctly deduces by the fact that Susan is spraying for bugs that she is not interested in moving back in with her. They have a cute little scene about whether or not Susan is ready for a relationship when Carl interrupts. They whip out their cocks, and it turns out that Mike’s is bigger because he makes out with Susan before he leaves, causing Carl to drop his jaw to the floor. Wait. When did Susan and Mike make up again? I was never a really big fan of this couple, but they are starting to reach McDreamy/Meredith levels of annoying (let the hate mail begin).

In one of the all-time great coincidences, Carl spots Mike going into a jewelry store, where he is picking up a ring! A ring! What could that be for!?!??! He asks Carl to keep his mouth shut and since Carl’s been such a stand up guy up to this point, I kind of get the vibe that he won’t be doing so.

Over at Casa de MUPPY, Gabrielle comes in dressed like a stripper at a bachelor party held at a Golf Course. She tells Carlos that she got them matching golf outfits for their lessons today! Carlos scowls and complains about having to do community service picking up garbage on the side of the freeway. He orders Gabrielle to go without him. He then notices that outside ChowMein is being ogled at by his landscaper. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. A landscaper – ogling a woman! This is unheard of! Carlos then quite comically complains about not being able to hire a gardener that doesn’t want to sleep with someone in his house.

Gabrielle is now at the club finishing her round of golf with the trainer when she hears on the television about a man who was killed by oncoming traffic while doing community service. The phone rings and she finds out it’s Carlos. She has to break the news to ChowMein: CARLOS IS DEAD! The love of her life! The father of her baby! The man she gave up hot, sweaty, illegal sex with her teenage gardener for is gone! ChowMein initially cries out with concern and pleads with Gabrielle not to kill Carlos. And then figures out - PSYYYYYCHE! Carlos, being the standup gentleman that he is paid Ralph the gardener to do his clean up for him. Poor Ralph, but at least he got to check out ChowMein’s ChowMein one last time before he died, if you know what I mean:

Posted by on May 23, 2006 6:25 PM