That tragic news doesn’t sit with Gabrielle for very long before she realizes that Carlos is still sweaty for someone who wasn’t picking up garbage on the side of the road. He gives her some lame excuse about being on the treadmill, even though he’s barefoot, but Gabrielle realizes that the only thing that he was treading on was ChowMein.

Elsewhere, Paul Young is still in the Wisteria Lane penitentiary for the “murder” of Felicia Tillman, and he is begging his emotionally unstable son to ask his biological grandfather for money to get him an expensive lawyer. Get all that? Zack is hesitant to agree, especially when Paul slips up and mentions that pesky other murder that he actually is guilty of: Martha Huber. Although he swears to Zack again that he had nothing to do with either murder, Zack’s spidey sense is going off. So Zack plays the only real card he has: YOU’RE NOT MY REAL DAD! Ahh, but Zack might be a runaway, neighbor-beating, Julie-stalking nutcase, but he isn’t in the same manipulation league as his dear ol’ dad (I guess the Youngs are really good candidates for a nature vs. nurture case study) as Paul pulls out the only card that can trump Zack's: DO IT FOR YOUR MOTHER; SHE KILLED HERSELF BECAUSE OF YOU. Game. Set. Match.

Later at the House on Haunted Hill, Zack asks his grandfather to give him money for a car. His grandfather realizing the money is really for Paul says no. And then he informs Zack that he is cut off from the fortune he was to inherit. And he calls him weak. Zack isn’t weak, he’s crazy. DUH OLD MAN! He laughs when Zack makes a B-line for the respirator that is keeping grandpa Noah alive and tells Zack he has no balls. Oh snap! Zack shuts the machine down, and sits calmly while his grandfather gasps for his last breath. Zack may have no balls, but you don’t have any oxygen, sucker!

Zack is standing at the lake by his dead grandpappy’s house and is informed that he’ll have to sign some papers to get Scrooge McDuck’s fortune. Paul then calls him to see what the deal is with the shake down. Zack blows him off, and I get the feeling that this is the last we’ll see of Paul and Zack, and I say good riddance.

It’s now 12 years ago, and we are seeing Bree’s entrance to Wisteria Lane. Mary Alice informs us that Bree is not one of the people who makes a very good first impression, which is totally the opposite of everything they’ve said about her character up to this point, but whatever. Apparently, Andrew, planting the seeds of becoming the evil genius I loathe today, once stole Mary Alice’s decorative lawn frog. When Mary Alice inexplicably says it’s alright, KimberBree emerges, and she informs Mary Alice that Andrew needs to learn shame. Alright… things about Andrew are starting to make sense now… Bree calls over to Rex and Andrew, and I get sad because Rex is dead and is going to be on a lame midseason replacement show on Fox next season. Andrew apologizes to Mary Alice, but in such a way that it makes you realize that if toddler Andrew and the kid from the Omen got into fight, the Devil would be pretty pissed off about what how things ended for his son. Oh the coup de gras of this scene is Susan’s mid-80’s perm (although it's the mid-90's).

Well it is 1994…

We follow Bree into the present where she is stuck in the mental hospital (that she seems to think is a day spa) and runs into the mysterious Orson. Kyle Mac Lachlan is not much of an actor, but there must be something more to this role if they have him on the show. Bree is definitely curious about him because he shows up to the hospital a few times a week to visit with some crazy lady who sits by the window all day like The Lady in White.

Bree is in her session with her shrink, but although she checked herself in and has spoken to a therapist before (things, however, didn’t end so great for him), she seems really upset about the pervasive questions that this psychiatrist is asking. How dare he! All Bree wanted were some Robert Downey Jr.-level drugs and to be on her way. But apparently Dr. Know It All, isn’t so into that idea. He actually wants to “help her.” He makes the mistake of bringing up the fact that she’s had kind of a rough year (husband- dead, boyfriend-dead, etc.) and since Bree scoffs at the thought of needing help (then why the hell is she in there!?!?!) and storms off, the doctor decides to take away all of her personal items and give her a spanking and a time out.

Posted by on May 23, 2006 6:25 PM