In the county clink, Betty Applewhite is informed that her son confessed to the murder of Melanie Foster but since he has the mental capacity of a child, his confession probably won’t stick. They show her crime scene photos and get all Law & Order: SVU on her because there is a jacket on the body, and once they match a sample of blood from it to Caleb, it’s lights out on the short bus. But whoa whoa whoa Ms. Nelly. The jacket isn’t Caleb’s: it’s Matthew’s! Apparently, by the time that Matthew made it to the lumber yard, Melanie was just regaining consciousness, and although she was just nearly raped and beaten with a club, she was still able to make some threats to Matthew and his family! I’m not quite sure, but she may have even cackled a little bit. Matthew basically gave her a big helllllll no and finished the job his brother started. You see, Melanie, you should be careful what you wish for because you did want to get banged by Matthew one last time. Now, I don’t mean to toot my own horn, but I generally see these kinds of twists coming, and this one I had no idea about. However, when I look back on it, it is fairly obvious, if you paid any attention to this plot strand. Which I didn’t. Score one for Marc Cherry – you tricked me with my own lack of interest. Next thing you know, we’re seeing Matthew standing over Danielle watching her sleep. Creepy.

Back in the mid-nineties, we see how the gals met Lynette eight years ago. Lynette and Tom are mid-argument over Lynette’s ovaries, and Lynette, being all tact decides to ask the ladies what they think about the fact that Tom forgot to tell her that twins run in his family. And now she is pregnant with twins! Umm, hi, nice to meet you. The problem with this scene is really a) Felicity Huffman’s wig – seriously, stop wasting the money on getting SkeleHatcher food on the set and put it into a decent hair & makeup person and b) it reminds me how much I used to like Lynette Scavo, when she was a real Desperate Housewife hating her kids and resenting her husband.

“First of all, the penis I wore was fake…”

Over at the pool with her kid hiding out from GayMatt, Lynette informs her demon brood that they are going to be living with grandma for unspecified reasons. Sensing that if they ask their mom any questions about why they can’t stay with daddy anymore they could be out of the pool for 2 possibly 3 minutes, they respond as if they just heard their mother ask them what they wanted for lunch. Seriously, if children could be sent straight to hell, these little boys would be driving.

Lynette is trying to pack up her kids while they are sacrificing barn animals to appease their lord, Satan, when Porter decides that he wants to go swimming. Lynette says no, and then Porter pulls the, “Dad would let me”, to which Lynette really digs her Keds into the ground. Porter realizes the only way out of this is to take a nosedive off the balcony and end it all! Okay, he was really just trying to make a break for the pool - but I’m sure although he’s still a grammar school, pulling an Amityville Horror has got to have crossed his mind at least once. Porter ends up in the hospital, and Lynette has to call Tom. Lynette is still really pisst about the conclusions that she has leapt to (okay, I admit I was only half-right last week with the whole Tom has another family guess), and Tom is trying to explain his side of the story, which is that he’s not cheating. He was in Atlantic City, because one night 12 years ago, he had anonymous, meaningless sex with a dancer on a cruise ship without using any birth control or protection, and now he has an 11 year old daughter he never knew about. Thank God, he wasn’t cheating though.

It’s now three years ago, and we see Carlos and Gabrielle in the throws of their honeymoon phase:

For Your Consideration: Primetime Emmy Awards 2007

Apparently Carlos and Gabrielle used to always have sex, but since ChowMein has been laying it down regular, Carlos’ burrito has no more juice. Gabrielle is in shock that Carlos doesn’t want her, and let’s be honest, why wouldn’t she be? Dude, if you’re married to Eva Longoria, and you’re not doing your sacred duty at least once a day, there is a problem. And that problem is named: ChowMein!

Gabrielle has noticed some odd behavior with Carlos, as I mentioned earlier. Taking a cue from ChowMein’s ripped panties, she takes her Asian slave to the lady doctor to get her hoo-haa checked out. She tells the doctor to just give her a thumbs up if he finds a hymen while he’s down there. She’s hopeful that ChowMein isn’t a stereotypical slutty Asian maid from any Kobe Tai porn but is met with a big thumbs down by the least ethical doctor in town.

SHOW ME… HYMEN!

ERRR…. WRONG ANSWER!

Although Bree got her personal belongings taken away, she somehow still had access to her cell phone. So listening to her messages she hears from Betty that Matthew was actually the one who killed Melanie Foster. Bree, for some reason, thinks that she’ll be able to just walk on out of the looney bin and is COMPLETELY shocked when she is detained. Again she turns into KimberBree and goes full-on woman on the verge. She then swears that if anything happens to her daughter… sleepy… getting… so… sleepy… Hey, Bree there are those hardcore drugs you wanted!

Posted by on May 23, 2006 6:25 PM