We are now back two years earlier, and Gabrielle is fighting with Carlos about never being around. Of course, he’s never around: He’s busy embezzling funds, silly girl. You know who is around though? John, the jailbait gardener. That’s right ladies, Jesse Metrosexual is back! Ugh. Great… We now see how their illicit “Dear Penthouse forum” affair began. Gabrielle was lonely, and John the Gardener was shirtless and a virgin. How sweet. Gabrielle, unknowingly, steals his virginity at 16 , but don’t worry, John the gardener was an excellent lover, even at 16. For his first time. Right. Damn you John the gardener! Why must you get everything! The only thing that helps me through this scene is the awkward tension between Eva Longoria and Jesse Metrosexual. Rumor has it that things between these two perfect specimens got a little tense this/last season, and it kind of shows in their forced make out. Also probably, because when the scene wrapped Jesse gave Eva some tips on tweezing her eyebrows and waxing her crotch. Leaping forward two years to the present, Gabrielle remembers that her tryst started in the garage and starts placing baby monitors in there and all around the house to catch Carlos eating ChowMein’s crem of sum yung asian slave. She quickly thinks that she’s caught them in the act over the monitor, but really, Carlos is just raving about her cooking not her vagina. Yet.

Back in 2004 again (not exactly easy for the recapper, Marc Cherry!), Lynette has just given birth to baby Penny, and she and GayMatt are debating over names that start with a P, because, aww shucks, all their kids’ names start with a P. How about Pathetic? Painful? Pretentious? Tom finally caves on the name Penny and says that he’ll get to name the next one. Lynette, at this point just completely loses it because she wanted one kid and GayMatt wanted 4 and somehow she just popped the fourth devil baby out of her. Enough! In the present Lynette and Tom are waiting on top of their car (a Nissan!) for Tom’s Baby Mama, Nora, and their illegitimate daughter, Kayla. Alas, Nora shows up without Kayla, but who cares! Nora isn’t really Nora at all! She’s Alex from Saved by the Bell: The College Years! You know, the one who wore those Blossom hatsand found love with AC Slater!!! I momentarily get distracted by wondering just what it’s like to work with Dustin “Screech” Diamond and because I can’t remember if Alex and AC end up together in Saved by the Bell: Vegas Wedding. I remember Jesse Spano showing up last minute at the Zack Morris-Kelly Capowski nuptials, but I can’t remember if Jesse Showgirls-ed her way back into AC’s heart. Someone out there help!

I love you Albert Clifford!

Anyway, it seems as though, Nora isn’t the drama geek she used to be at Bayside University. She wants back child support, and she wants it now! Best. Guest Star. Ever.

At the Scavo house, Lynette is very serious and concerned, and we know that because she hasn’t bathed or groomed herself in days.

It’s almost as if someone took Eva Longoria’s DNA and just reversed it 100%.

They are discussing how to buy off Nora to sign away her back child support. Tom Scavo: Father of the Year, Ladies and Gentleman. They come up with the tidy sum of $30,000. If Brandon Davis thought Lindsay Lohan was poor for only being worth $7 million, imagine what he’d think of the Scavos! This makes me wonder why all these people live on Wisteria Lane. Bree and her kids all have trust funds from her rich daddy, and Rex used to be a Doctor. Gabrielle & Carlos are the Mexican dream come true and loaded. Susan lives in a trailer and can’t afford health insurance, and Lynette and Tom can barely scrape together $30,000 grand to pay for Alex & AC Slater’s wedding!. That’s not even half of what the Solis’ paid for there last kid.

With the craziness going on over at the Scavo’s, we get to check out Bree in her therapist’s office at the Looney Bin, and she’s playing the whole I-realized-I’m-crazy-and-now-I’m-fine game. Again, flashes of Terminator 2 dance in my head when Sara Connor reneges on her whole "Robots are going to destroy the world" story to get to see her son and then flips out and stabs her therapist with a pencil. The exact same thing happens here, except that instead of a pencil, Bree throws the therapeutic sand from the therapeutic desk golf set in his face. Bree’s escape at this point is nothing short of a Daffy Duck/Bugs Bunny cartoon, as she hides behind doors and shoos herself out of the Looney Bin, all while making eyes at Orson, who is visitng The Lady in White.

Next thing you know the remaining housewives are hanging out at Lynette’s, talking about Susan’s pending proposal to Mike. It’s awkard for a moment because Gabrielle and Lynette forget momentarily who Mike and Susan are because they haven’t spoken in so long. Penny’s baby monitor is picking up some one else’s conversation, and wouldn’t you know, it’s Carlos in the process of watering ChowMein’s Lotus flower. Ouch! Gabrielle storms from the house, kicks off her shoes mid-run, and overhears ChowMein coming to a full boil. She decides not to confront Carlos right then and there. She then asks for ChowMein’s help with a chore -- that chore being throwing all of Carlos’ belongings in the yard for him.

Posted by on May 23, 2006 6:25 PM