Sooo... they decided to stick with the Mary Alice voiceovers. That's an "interesting" creative choice. We'll just deal with it; at least we don't have to see the Amazonian Brenda Strong. Gross. Apparently, Malice is taking us on a who's who of the surrounding area, starting and finishing with Alma and her husband... ORSON!??!?!?! You remember Orson, the creepy dentist we all thought was courting Susan, especially after he ran down Mike with his car last season, but was really after Bree? No? Well, it doesn't matter, because here we are years ago, watching Alma on the day that she decides she's going to leave her nutso husband. It's actually a throwback to the Pilot episode, as we watch Alma do all her chores right before she attempts to leave her husband, just as Malice did all her chores before blowing her brains out. It seems as though Orson is not only crazy, he's Patrick Bergen from Sleeping with the Enemy, as he has very specific directions as to how the groceries should be put away, how the laundry should be done, and, I'm sure, how his wife should service him orally.

I was hoping this scene would end with Orson barging in on Alma packing up, Alma pulling a gun on him and calling the police saying, "Police, come quick. I've just shot an intruder." Oh Julia Roberts, how I long for your early '90's B-list vehicles! It doesn't turn out quite like that, but Orson does catch Alma as she's trying to pack up her pet bird, Baby, and we can only assume that things get uglier and uglier from there. The next thing you know Lakeview Drive's answer to nosy Mrs. Huber, pops in for a visit and finds Orson wearing kitchen gloves, and Alma's parrot saying the words "Orson, no!" The true delight here is that the nosy neighbor is played by Laurie Metcalf, who is one of the best actresses around, and a shoe-in to play Olive Oil, if the Popeye Movie is ever remade. She questions the situation in an off-handedly suspiscious way but Orson just shoos her away, finds time to kill the bird, and one can only assume, start his trek over to shake things up on Wisteria Lane. We don't know exactly what happened to his wife, but I'm going to assume it had something to do with the Lady in White he was visiting in the mental hospital where he met Bree in the first place. Hey, it's better than the Applewhites.

Now Malice, heads on over to Wisteria Lane 6 months ago, where it is raining. And wouldn't you know it? Malice has something very deep and profound to say about the rain. I won't repeat it, mostly because I didn't take note of it, due to huge levels of inanity. Oooh look! There's KimberBree and Orson making out in the rain! How romantic? But how is Marcia Cross' face not melting off? I thought that she was NOT to be diluted for more than 3 minutes at a time? Next up: Gabby meeting with her divorce lawyer, as ChowMein, her maid/slave/husband's lover/baby mama is cleaning up near by. Jeez, those Asians sure have a strong work ethic. We also get a chance to see Lynette meet Tom's illegitimate daughter, Kayla, for the first time accompanied, of course by her mother, Nora, or as I'll be calling her from now on, The Babe. No, not because she is super hot, but because she's the kinda gal who probably says: "Hey Babe!" every time she sees someone. Lastly, there is slapstick stalwart, Susan hanging out in Mike Delfino's hospital room, tending to her comatose lovvvvvver.

It looks we're not going to leap into the present yet, as we catch a glimpse of Edie preparing Mary Alice's old house for an Open House. Don't worry, Nicolette Sheridan shaved her beard especially for the occasion. And this bodes well for Paul Young's continued incarceration and the unsettlingly creepy Zach to stay on the House on Haunted Hill and out of sight for a good long while. You see according to Mary Alice theeee RAIN helps make every.thing. clean.AGAIN. WHY DOES SHE TALK LIKE THAT!?!?!

|  1  |  2  |  3  |  4  Next Page... ( Comments ) | Discuss In Our Forums

Posted by Umnata on September 29, 2006 10:52 AM