Recap: Desperate Housewives: Aunt Jackie on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown - 
by Umnata
At the divorce ruling of Gabby and Carlos, it seems like everything is going to go Gabby's way because she's wearing a cloistered nun outfit and her hair is so feathered that Blaire from The Facts of Life is way jealous. If that doesn't spell success I don't know what does. Just as Gabby is about to hit Free Parking on the Monopoly board that is her life, Carlos' lawyer comes out with the smoking gun. The pain and suffering that Gabby is claming doesn't seem so 
evident on the tape that Carlos has of them doing the nasty a few days ago. The ruling is in favor of Carlos (Gabby gets the house; Carlos gets everything in it and doesn't have to pay alimony), which leads to the "hysterical" physical removal of Gabby from the judges chambers, all while she is screaming about wanting to kill Carlos! When did Gabby's scenes turn into the most cringe-worthy of any given episode? Apparently Eva didn't read the note I wrote her in my recap asking her to leave the physical out of her comedy.
In what is immediately the last believable scene in Desperate Housewives history, we see Susan cleaning under her sink (I mean, Susan... cleaning? When was the last time she was even home?), as she discovers an empty beer can from Julie's tutoring session with Austin. Julie starts to explain to her mother the very innocent situation, but in this woefully, poorly written scene Susan starts to accuse Julie of drinking. Wasn't one of the best things about Susan, her Gilmore-esque relationship with Julie? Now all of a sudden she doesn't trust her very sensible daughter? Julie points out as much, but it's hard to side with her, because she is such a terrible actress. Like, Tara Reid's work in Body Shots and Alone in the Dark look like shoe-ins for the Film Conservatory by comparison. Honestly, Julie doesn't even convey "alive" very well, none the less anger. Julie sends her mother to her room (which comes off a lot snottier than it is supposed to, I think) to finish packing. Susan defends her title as mother, but Julie shoots back with the fact that she is the one packing her suitcase, doing her laundry and balancing her checkbook. Now, just to spite Susan, Julie is heading out to pick up some toothpaste for her Paris-bound mother.
Carolyn is driving down the street and catches up with Bree, who is walking with a basket of flowers. Could it be!?!? Is she the mystery person who told Carolyn about Harv's affair with the Wisteria Lane bicycle, Monique? Carolyn is wondering why Bree hasn't returned any of her phone calls after finding out that Orson beat Alma. Bree admits that Orson gave her a reasonable explanation and then Egads! It was Bree who spilled the beans!
Tom starts looking up flights to Mexico, as he's going to reenact a male version of "Not Without My Daughter" to talk some sense into The Babe. Lynette then takes the big step and says that they should just sue for custody of Kayla. Tom can't believe it, because Lynette hates even the kids that spurn forth from her own loins, none the less The Babe's. Lynette admits that while she missed the opportunity to drown her own four kids at birth (I am loosely paraphrasing), they've grown on her. She's sure Kayla will too.
Ugh. We're back at Carlos and Gabby's where they are trying to desperately be a Telenovela version of War of the Roses. Gabby, not pleased with the fact that Carlos gets all the possessions in the house, starts breaking expensive vases. Carlos' response is to start sledge hammering in the walls. Snore.
Julie is at the market where, natch, she runs into Bad Boy on the loose, Austin. For some reason, although Julie "can't stand him" she lets him hold her basket (not a euphemism). Austin, in true bad boy form, takes this opportunity to slip the bottle of liquor he was trying to swipe into Julie's backpack.
Carolyn, fresh from her revealing convo with Bree, calls up Harvey at the Market to confront him about Monique. Harvey says it doesn't matter, because Monique is dead. Ahh, but if she weren't, who would Harv be with? That's what Carolyn wants to know. Harvey doesn't give his wife an answer, just reiterates that Monique is dead so the point is moo ("It's like a cow's opinion. It doesn't matter. It's Moo." -Thank you Joey Tribiani). Their conversation is interrupted however as Harvey is called over to the checkout counter, where Julie and Austin are being accused of shoplifting. It seems that Julie kept her money in her backpack, not her pocket as Austin had hoped, and when she went to get some dough, the unpaid bottle of booze fell out.
Susan, meanwhile, is packing for her trip to Paris with Ian, who has just arrived to pick her up via Limo. I like Ian, I really do, and it's not just because I hate Mike or because he tones down Susan to a dull screech. But, err, doesn't he still have a comatose wife? I mean, brother hasn't been at the hospital for weeks. Moving on is one thing... Anyway, Susan is over packed (women!) until Ian informs her that she can buy whatever she needs in Paris a la his expense account. Cha ching! Now I'm not saying she's a gold digger...
Just as the lovebirds are about to leave Susan gets a phone call from Harv about her daughter's sticky fingers and has to head over to the Market.
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