Back to You, Bob - 
by Umnata
As the Three Amigos are waiting around in the lobby Dusty (Bob) is very nervous about the meeting, while Lucky (Ari) wants to do all the talking. Ned (Eric) is still choreographing My Little Buttercup in his head, and plans on saying nothing. Bob's brought some parlor tricks with him - deck of cards for magic tricks, hoop to light on fire for Circle of Death trick, you know the usual. After they agree that Ari will take the lead, Bob can't help himself but to jump in when the studio boss welcomes them in. He asks for a Sanka and takes over.
It's looking like Turtle is going to be shell-less as the store has run out of Fukijamas. One of the workers says that another store in Malibu still has them. The line quickly disburses, but Turtle is lagging behind. Woe-is-me. Oh snap out of it Eyeore. Vince asks Turtle why he didn't just set an alarm and get down there early like the rest of these people? I'm assuming it was because he was really nervous last night and ate a 6 foot hero and jerked off 65 times to calm his nerves. But no, it's because he's a lazy shit. Vince is still pretty pumped, he literally has nothing else going on, but Turtle is already defeated. There's no way that they can beat all these people to Santa Monica. Vince promises Turtle that if he stops the negativity, Vince will get him the sneakers. And if the sneakers don't pan out, the best Happy Ending massage money can buy.
Drama is in his trailer (cheers, Drama!) repeating his pre-monologue mantra: "You are not a pussy." I wouldn't put too much money on that horse, Drama. Incidentally, this is the same mantra that Oprah uses before every show. Weird. Burns then drops another bombshell on Drama. His whole entire three minute monologue is going to be done on the move. At least Burns has moved on from ripping off Woody Allen to ripping off Aaron Sorkin. Next thing you know he'll be cribbing notes from Carrot Top's act.
The meeting at Paramount is over with less than stellar results. They rejected the pitch: "You lost them at Sanka." Ari is angry - he never gets turned down in the room. That is unless the room is full of eligible women. Zing! Umnata - 1; Ari - 0. Ari then says something vulgar about whether or not Bob would be interested in his 22" cock (Umnata - 1; Ari - 22). Bob takes offense to this, and I agree with him. Bob might be a useless old fossil, but he is a legendary useless old fossil. Not to mention the fact that this is Bob's project in the first place. Ari should show him (anyone?) a little respect. Eric steps in with his huge, hairy Hobbit feet to mediate. While Bob is a legend, Ari does do this sort of thing on a daily basis, so maybe he should handle the next pitch. Bob agrees, but only because Eric is a "nice boy with kind eyes," which despite my best efforts, I find kind of touching. Even if Bob says it while stroking Eric's hair and cupping his testicles. I'm sorry I had to ruin the moment, if not, for every moment with genuine emotion or intellect, I lose points on my snark factor. Disney is the next stop. Bob is familiar with the place; he auditioned Cybill Shepherd there once: "Tons of talent; no underpants." It takes me a second to remember that while Cybil Shepherd is currently a wrinkly old hag, she was once one of the HOTTEST pieces of ass on the planet. Get yours, Bob!
Can we just take a moment to praise the irreplaceable, Martin Landau? Okay. Moment's over.
Vince and Turtle are on their way to procure some of the Fukijamas for Turtle. Vince is on hold with the store. They're looking for a size 10, but they only have one size 11. Vince asks them to put the shoes on hold, but the guy at the store can't do it, not even for Aquaman. However, if Vince were to show up at his sister's birthday party, then Vince would be like family. And the sneaker guy would do anything for family. Vince agrees, but as his part of the bargain, Turtle's got to tell him that he has juice. For some reason this makes me feel dirty.
Eric and Ari don't go to Disney, they head over to Universal. Apparently, there was no meeting at Disney, Ari just wanted to shake Bob. Eric thinks that was a real dickhead move, so he keeps trying to call Bob and get him over to the Universal lot. It's too late, though; Bob has already been told there is no drive-on for him at Disney. He misses Eric's calls and his shriveled old man heart breaks in two.
Ed Burns is banging on Drama's trailer door, who is too scared to come out. He notices a Maxim on the counter, and thinks about what Turtle said. You know about slinging the meat salami (please leave your favorite euphemism in the comments). Unfortunately for Drama, although he certainly knows his way around the Drama Club he doesn't think to unhook his mic before he starts pounding away. Without Drama realizing it, Ed Burns and the crew, including one random old lady, have heard his entire, err, performance.
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