Too Many Cooks.... - 
by EdHIll
Due to the overwhelming response to the recent Food Network posts, it has finally freed me to truly let my freak flag fly. Yes, my name is EdHill, and I am a Food Network junkie. I watch it all, from Michael “He’s not gay, he’s just from Napa Valley� Chiarello and his amazing lisp (I watch every week hoping he’ll say “caramelized�), to Rachael Ray’s fragile psyche, to Paula Deen's fragile heart valves. I love it all. Who among us hasn’t TiVo’d Everyday Italian just to see how tight fitting Giada’s blouse will be, or hoping we will get a close-up of her massaging a meat product? I am the only person I know of that actually considered ordering the Good Eats DVD’s. So imagine my amazement when they took the top 7 “celebrity chefs� and put them all in a room together to cook a Thanksgiving meal. It's the Food Network's All Star Thanksgiving. Giada’s giant head and hand gestures next to Rachael Ray’s manic insanity? Sign me up.
The concept is simple. We spend about 10 minutes with each of them making a side dish, give one of them the turkey and then watch them come together and eat and pretend they aren’t all annoyed with each other.
The lineup is as follows;
Emeril Lagasse. The worst of the bunch. His food sucks, he’s smarmy, and he spices his dishes based upon how much an audience claps. The only worthwhile thing he ever did was his sadly short lived sitcom Emeril. It’s also fun to watch him slowly get fatter and fatter every year. If you catch a first season episode of Emeril Live, you will be shocked.
Paula Deen. The queen of fat. We watch just to see how many different dishes she can add an entire stick of butter to.
Giada DeLaurentiis. If Paula Deen stops your heart with a cholesterol level of 456, Giada does it with her beauty. The Food Network hottie, and my future second wife. Who isn’t charmed when she sits at her couch with her legs curled up, with that beaming smile and oversized noggin? And her “Mmmm" face is to die for.
Rachael Ray. The reigning queen of Food TV. One of my personal favorites. Watching her talk to herself like a crazy person on 30 Minute Meals is always a treat. The ill-fitting outfits, her weird laughing at her own jokes. Then there’s $40 Dollars a Day, where Rachael wanders America tipping at 5%. And last but not least Rachael Ray's Tasty Travels where she is forced to spend time with sane people and we watch the horror on their faces as they realize the woman is certifiable.
Tyler Florence. The Brad Pitt/Ty Pennington of Food TV. He is the anchor of Food 911, where he travels to homes with people who don’t know how to cook, and instead of teaching them basic cooking skills, walks them through an elaborate gourmet meal that they will never make again for the rest of their lives.
Sara Moulton. She bakes. I don’t bake and I don’t eat sweets so she’s kind of an X factor for me.
And finally, my hero, Alton Brown. Yes, he is weird, and yes his anal retentiveness borders on mental illness sometimes (his 5 minute explanation on how to pack a cooler actually frightened me), but I love him. His show Good Eats has achieved "Save until I delete" status on my TiVo. Truly rarified air. The man teaches you about the process of cooking so you learn, as opposed to just rattling off ingredients and measurements. Did you know the five government classifications of tomatoes? No? Well I do, and it’s thanks to Mr. Brown.
So without further ado, here is a brief glimpse of the Food Network All Star Thanksgiving.
We start with a forced goofy opening where they all pick who’s cooking what and then they make their own favorite bruschetta. This results in one of the most disgustingly erotic moments of the show.
Mmmm. So succulent...
And we also get a flurry of Giada hand gestures.
4 gestures in 4 seconds. A new record.
First up is Rachael Ray’s dish. The name? “Orange You Glad It's Thanksgiving Soup.� That pretty much sets the tone. Rachael is wearing one of her ill-fitting tops that accentuate her "chunky ten year old boy� physique. Being Rachael Ray, her main ingredient is frozen puréed butternut squash from the frozen food section. Thank god they didn’t give her the turkey or they’d be eating a frozen turkey loaf.
It's Pat!
From one extreme to the other we then go to Tyler Florence. And nothing says Thanksgiving to Tyler more than a.... Roman artichoke dish. Okayyy...
And is it me or is Tyler sporting the barest hint of a mullet?
Sing Jessie's Girl!
Next up is the woman, the legend, Paula Deen. What is she in charge of for Thanksgiving? Well she was given stuffing, but she also decided to add something else of her own to the party. What is it, you ask? This is Paula Deen so we all know what’s coming: GRAVY. And not just any gravy. Giblet gravy! Paula today is wearing an outfit that can be best described as a mix between Nouveau Southern and Han Solo.
After that it’s Giada DeLaurentiis. To get an idea of what it’s like when I watch her show it goes a little something like this:
Giada: “And now I’m going to salt my water.�
Me: “I’ll salt your water.�
Giada: "We’re going to shock the green beans in ice water.�
Me: “I’ll shock your green beans.�
Yeah, its about as creepy as you think.
She only gets to do some green beans and parmesan crisps so it’s a quick segment. Her blouse is a solid 8, with nice revealing black bra straps. But she has her hair up which just accentuates the giant head so the whole look averages out to about a 7.5
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