The Anal Retentive Chef - 
by EdHIll
Now if there is a downside to Alton it would be his amazing propensity to be the most anal retentive person in the history of the world. His 4 layer process on storing mussels just makes me concerned for his mental health. Who buys mussels and stores them? There was also an episode where he showed us the 8 steps in packing the ultimate cooler. He even cut it down the middle for a cross sectioned view. And he has this odd predilection for using Japanese Panko breadcrumbs that I have yet to figure out. That and Old Bay seasoning. He loves Old Bay. But so do I so I don’t mind that so much.
There is also what I like to refer to as the MacGyver effrect. Comparing him to MacGyver is nothing new of course. He's even referred to MacGyver as his patron saint. Blasphemy if you ask me. I worship Saint B.A. Baracus, who teaches you to above all else, respect yo momma. But I digress. Alton loves to use unconventional items when ones normal people would use just aren't normal enough. Or to put it a better way, he teaches you that buying a 99 cent unglazed quarry tile from a local building supply store is a lot better than a 40 dollar pizza stone from Williams Sonoma, and they both achieve the same result. Now sometimes his tips are helpful (you'd be amazed how many uses he gets out of a grapefruit spoon) and some are just plain odd (the cardboard salmon smoker). It never occurred to me to stick pots on the inside of a cabinet drawer with a magnet to save space. Or sticking spice tins on the inside of a cabinet door with Velcro. The man is just chock full of ideas like that.
Of his recipe's I have made the following;
Baby Back Ribs. Fantastic. I still make them to this day.
Macaroni and Cheese. Great but a little labor intensive. That and the 8 thousand calories keeps me from making it a regular addition to my meals.
Fondue. (the less said about that evening the better)
Meatloaf. Ahh, this one was a masterpiece. His key is to not use a meatloaf pan and instead form it by hand on a baking sheet with parchment paper. This way you get more of that delicious crust.
40 cloves and a chicken. Chicken and lots of garlic. you can't really screw that up.
Chipotle Smashed Sweet Potatoes. Just writing that gets me aroused.
Coffee. Granted its just coffee but Alton has his own method. Now I love coffee. I am a whore for a "Big One" Vanilla Spice from Dunkin Donuts ($2.36 with tax). Actually I am whore for many things, but that's another story. Using 2 heaping tablespoons of grounds to 6 ounces of water, as Alton does for making coffee is absolutely insane.
And with the holidays coming up, how awesome would it be if some devoted TvGasm fan decided to buy me the entire 27 disc complete DVD collection? It's on sale for an amazingly low $279.99. What a steal! Any takers? Anyone? No? OK, but remember this. If you don't buy it for me it will make baby Jesus cry. If you want that on your heads thats your business.
And if you'll permit me a sappy moment, what I have learned how to do most of all from Mr. Brown, is to cook, not just follow a recipe. Once I found out how great his rib recipe was I tweaked it and experimented with it to create my very own version. That's what cooking is all about, making things your own and moving off the page. OK. Now I’m starting to cry a little. Ah jeez. This is so embarrassing. Ummm. ahh. Heck, now that I've gone this far I'd just also like to say that ahhh , I love each and every one of you TvGasm readers. Even the ones who give me shit about my grammar. Sniff. OK. Focus Ed, focus. Think of Tara Reids nipple. And...I'm back.
So to conclude, Alton Brown is god. He taught me about the Maillard reaction, the 5 government classifications of tomatoes, and most of all, he taught me how to love again. You are doing yourself a disservice if you don't watch his show.
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Comments
EdHill, trolling for Christmas presents. Next time the Connecticut TVGasm assembly hit the streets they need to shoot me an e-mail. Kay?
Posted by: Lizardqueen | November 24, 2005 1:13 PM(#1 of 22)
Wow, I too have always wondered about his wife and child. His daughter looks just like him. Her expression in that photo is priceless.
PS That Hasselhoff picture is truly disturbing. Poor, poor puppies.
Posted by: Lauren | November 24, 2005 2:16 PM(#2 of 22)
That Hasselhoff pic is not only disturbing, but I believe it's illegal.
EdHill, I am inspired and shall try to catch this show, if there's time between all the crap I watch.
Posted by: ATCmurph | November 24, 2005 4:38 PM(#3 of 22)
For what it's worth:
I love you too EdHill, but I'm not buying you shit!
Posted by: Dana | November 24, 2005 6:32 PM(#4 of 22)
You know, this evening we had a turkey I brined for 12 hours following Alton's specifications. I even roasted it just like he says but guess what? It didn't taste any better than the other turkeys that I've stuffed (a no, no for him, Giada and Emeril) roasted and basted (a no no for Alton). It wasn't bad but no noticeable improvement.
All that effort and ingredients when I could have just followed Giada's recipe, without the sexual massaging of the turkey, of course.
Posted by: jmchez | November 24, 2005 9:45 PM(#5 of 22)
I absolutely love AB also. I got to meet him once when he did a demo at the culinary school I attend. He was VERY particular about how he wanted his demo table set up.
I was still excited to meet him, I was giddy as a school girl!
Posted by: cary | November 24, 2005 11:02 PM(#6 of 22)
I realized recently what it is that I can't stand about Alton. Can we have a count of exactly how many times he says "uh" to fill in his anal retentiveness? I watched about 2 minutes yesterday and couldn't stand it anymore. I just hadn't been able to put my finger on what it was that bothered me so much. Just my opinion.
Posted by: RealityTV4Me | November 25, 2005 6:36 AM(#7 of 22)
Good Eats is my favorite show PERIOD. Alton can be there or replaced, its the format that is awesome. And Good Eats is the one show where everything I have tried has come out perfect and better than I expected. Even my 3 year old will stop in the middle of the living room and watch the entire program. The only other thing he does that with is the Backyardigans.
Things I have made:
Mac and Cheese. Best ever.
Coq au Vin. Unbelievable
Smoked pork shoulder (including the "ghetto" terra-cotta smoker w/ hot-plate. Best BBQ, even his mustard and sweet pickle juice sauce is fantastic.
Waffles. Best ever.
Pickled beets. Yes, beets. And they were great.
"Power Bars". Phenomenal.
That's all I can think of right now...you get the point.
Posted by: Mullethead | November 25, 2005 11:46 AM(#8 of 22)
I'm laughing my ass off. I came across this guy (not in the porn way) a few days ago when he was making gravy.
I said to my wife, who agreed, "this guy is a dork, but very compelling!"
We watched the rest of the show, remote not in hand. Weird. I thought only Canada's CBC show "Wok With Yan" could have that power!
Posted by: Lew | November 25, 2005 12:41 PM(#9 of 22)
Oh, and my lovely bride used his roux tips to make her first ever "home made" gravy. It was freaking AWESOME.
A good half hour spent. Make that an hour... One half watching, one half eating.
Posted by: Lew | November 25, 2005 12:44 PM(#10 of 22)
What a cute little family Photo
Posted by: Hes1223 | November 25, 2005 3:50 PM(#11 of 22)
I think I need to download the mac and cheese recipe.
Posted by: Dana | November 25, 2005 8:44 PM(#12 of 22)
I, too, had a hard time remembering all that AB said so I created the Good Eats Fan Page http://www.goodeatsfanpage.com. In it, you can read just about every transcript of the show and read tons of other information about its creation, AB and Good Eats.
Stop by our message board for a chat.
Mikemenn, #1 Good Eats Afcionado
Posted by: Michael Menninger | November 25, 2005 8:51 PM(#13 of 22)
kudos EdHill - great review. to #5 I brined my turkey and it came out perfectly. It's not the taste that he is going after, it's the moistness of the breast meat, which is usually dry, that he is trying to avoid by the brine.
My favorite AB moment is when he is preparing pickles with his evil twin brother. Classic.
Posted by: trinitron | November 25, 2005 11:30 PM(#14 of 22)
Brown's pot roast recipe, containing such disparate ingredients as tomatoes, balsamic vinegar, cocktail olives and raisens, is to. die. for. The only thing is, he's fixated on 325 degrees as a cooking temp, which I find is too low. (Of course, he's got a state of the art stove, and I have a piece of junk. Nevermind.)
Posted by: gidget bananas | November 27, 2005 7:38 PM(#15 of 22)
Just saw his Standing rib show again....drooled through the whole thing again...went and got my butcher to sell me something good and it will be dinner on tuesday. I could cook before...but AB has taught me how to improvise and be more creative...OH!! his pouches series rocks too! great article...sending it to my b-day invite list...dvds!
Posted by: Ari | November 27, 2005 10:55 PM(#16 of 22)
ok, first, i swear his daughter was in an episode once- she was still a baby; he was talking about honey and how you should never never give it to little kids and he held up a little girl for a sec- i think it was her. i am so crazy. i don't even cook...
Posted by: elizabeth | November 28, 2005 10:18 AM(#17 of 22)
One year before Thanksgiving, my family and I were sitting around, hemming and hawing over what to do with the turkey. We're not crazy about turkey stuffing or any of that craziness, so when we happened to catch Alton Brown on Good Eats recommending a brine, we decided to give it a try. We haven't ever had a turkey any other way since. It's so damn good!
Posted by: Shimmy-Shea | November 28, 2005 1:06 PM(#18 of 22)
Michael Menninger (# 13) I have used youre website numerous times in the past. Great site.
Posted by: EdHill | November 28, 2005 1:20 PM(#19 of 22)
Alton, thank you very much for teaching me how to make eggs. For me, eggs use to be an easy dish. Now it have to get 100 new gadgets and spend 2 hours in the kitchen to make your eggs. Wow, you're great. And that old scientist looks like this lady maria I use to know. Her husband is dead, but she use to take a bath in the kitchen. She was gross.
Posted by: Peter | November 29, 2005 8:52 AM(#20 of 22)
Yes, the Good Eats Fan Page is wonderful (#13). And yes, Elizabeth (#17), his daughter was in the honey episode. We asked him when we saw him at his "I'm Just Here for More Food" book signing. We tend to think of Good Eats as Mr. Wizard in the kitchen. Our 6 year old loves it, too. Even when I don't necessarily use his recipes, the theory behind what he's doing is often helpful, and watching the show has impacted my whole cooking style. Yes, there is a salt cellar with kosher salt next to my stove.
And, among the many things we've made, we have a flower pot smoker on our deck :-)
Posted by: Em Baisch![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.tvgasm.com/nav-commenters.gif)
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November 30, 2005 12:14 PM(#21 of 22)
I love Alton. More than any one on that network. I want to meet him but I think if I did I'd give him a big hug and not let go. He is yummy ;-)
Posted by: Tara A | December 13, 2005 4:43 PM(#22 of 22)