Paula vs. The Turkey - 
by B-side
On one of the Thanksgiving-themed editions of Paula's Home Cooking, our favorite mistress of fat and butter, Paula Dean, tackled that most beloved of traditions: deep frying a turkey. So who would wind up on top? The turkey or Paula? The answer after the jump...
The foreplay begins. Paula gently rubs the turkey down. Quiet moans of pleasure ensue.
Let no area go untouched. Paula gets under the legs and wings to make sure this bird is happy. Advantage: turkey.
Uh oh. Don't get too relaxed, Mr. Turkey. Paula's got her hand bunched up and looks ready to do something nasty...
OH DAMN! Paula goes in for the kill! Right up the hole! ADVANTAGE: PAULA!
Yeah, she's enjoying this. Paula gives us the "O" face.
TURKEYGASM.
It was a good run, Mr. Turkey. But Paula rocked your world.
Final score: Paula 1, Turkey 0.
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Comments
Christ, I just turned on the food network to see Paula messily eating an uncooked ear of corn at a produce market. "It's how the hogs eat it!!" she shrieked afterwards. Indeed. Happy Thanksgiving, tvgasm.
Posted by: shank | November 24, 2005 11:36 AM(#1 of 8)
Holy shit...then, 5 minutes later, Paula lays waste to a candy store--sticking her buttery hands into ever jar and gobbling up mounds of chocolate. "Bring a fat girl to candy store and see just how wide her smile gets," she explains. Uh-huh.
Posted by: shank | November 24, 2005 11:45 AM(#2 of 8)
Regarding the previous posts...I was hysterical at both paula's hoglike corn eating and her fat girl candyshop tales...man do i wish she was at my thanksgiving table today!
Posted by: leo | November 24, 2005 1:02 PM(#3 of 8)
Hahaha. I sort of feel too grossed out to eat my turkey now. Thanks, man.
Posted by: Kathryn | November 24, 2005 1:09 PM(#4 of 8)
So glad I already ate...this is hysterical though!
Posted by: mere2142 | November 24, 2005 3:24 PM(#5 of 8)
Oh my goodness that was just the freakiest most disturbing sight I have ever seen....
Posted by: Hes1223 | November 25, 2005 3:42 PM(#6 of 8)
C'mon, didn't anyone see what she did with the corn and bacon? First, she fried the bacon. Removed it, then added the sliced corn to the bacon fat and then added THE OBLIGATORY STICK OF BUTTER -- yes, she did! I nearly puked.
The best part, actually, was the sweet potato dish. Mashed sweet potato (mashed by hand with all these vulgar rings still on her fingers - ewwww) then she added a ton of brown sugar, OJ, zest, nutmeg then made patties. She pushed a plump marshmallow into each patty then covered them with sweetened shredded coconut, *white sugar added*, cinnamon etc.
"The kids won't even know they're eating a vegetable!" she trilled.
I have news for you, Paula... With all that added sugar, that ain't a vegetable anymore, y'all.
Posted by: Donna Martin Graduates! | November 25, 2005 6:43 PM(#7 of 8)
Paula, I have news for you! Your 2 sons love getting stuffed too. Stuffed up the ass! Those 2 boys love country and definitly love country sausage! Heee Haaa you fat hick.
Posted by: Peter | November 29, 2005 8:40 AM(#8 of 8)