Houston, We Have a Testis - 
by m_ruv
This week's Grey's Anatomy was all about making fresh starts, turning over new leaves, finally installing that replacement shower curtain liner—a truly original New Year's theme that no previous TV show has ever explored.
We open with George at the apartment, struggling with the dog. As expected, the dog's resentment that its owners are never home has boiled over into hellraising rage in the span of just two episodes. Izzie, oblivious to everything except her transmissions from the mother ship, tells George that she's thinking of coloring her hair red. As long as the cuffs and collars match, fine by me. Meredith arrives and, combining a newly growling, Kathleen Turner voice with her innate Earth-mother, Jane Goodall folk wisdom, manages to calm the canine devilspawn. George is unconvinced, complaining that the foul beast always tries to mount him from behind. Yeah George that's what dogs do to BITCHES.
At his trailer in the mountains, Dr. He-Shepherd brings back a trout he's caught with his bare hands between sets of one-armed pushups on the riverbank. Unimpressed by such showy masculinity, Dr. She-Shepherd rejects her mate's piscine offering and says she hates country living. Dr. Webber, meanwhile, visits the nursing home to see his old flame, Meredith's mother, Ellis. She flirts with him shamelessly and Alzheimersly before she getting distracted by a plate of Oreos and her zoo animals coloring book. Dr. Webber tries to tell her something but can't bring himself to do it.
At the hospital, Dr. Burke asks Cristina whether she's given in to the spirit of auld lang syne and decided to move in with him. Cristina says she doesn't do resolutions and besides, you dumbass, the Korean new year isn't til the end of the month. Since Cristina's unable to answer, Dr. Burke asks her an easier question—what was she planning to do with their baby before she miscarried? She passes on this one too and opts for the physical challenge instead.
Dr. Webber tells the assembled interns he's resolved to enforce the rules and won't allow anyone to work more than 80 hours a week. The nurses will have to work extra to compensate, and nobody likes a cranky nurse, except maybe in East German porn. Izzie starts to retort that Alex will be sure to "cheer up" the nurses with offerings of frankincense and syphilis. But suddenly she gets a message from Jesus, flips the bipolar switch to its sweetie-farm-girl setting, and says she's made a resolution to "let things go" and no longer torment Alex about his philandering. Izzie apologizes, asks how Alex's medical boards went, and even says she's pulling for him. Wow, they really must have upped her dosing for 2006.
Dr. Webber steps into the O.R. to tell Dr. Burke that one of his heart transplant patients has found a donor. The donor is in Idaho, so Dr. Burke decides to dispatch Dr. Bailey to check the heart's viability. Ooh I cannot WAIT to see Dr. Bailey's showdown with Sea-Tac airport security. Dr. Webber then sends Cristina home because she's exceeded her 80 hours for the week. She resists mightily because she has no life outside the hospital aside from her liquor cabinet and reruns on the surgery channel.
Dr. Burke's heart transplant patient turns out to be the love child of Nicolas Cage and Steve Carell. He immediately has the hots for Izzie, whose Prozac-addled curves set his virally-afflicted heart aflutter. A true match.
It's been all downhill since Leaving Las Vegas
Dr. Bailey grumbles that The Man sure didn't cap the work week at 80 hours when she was an intern. Chronic foot-in-mouth sufferer George says that the extra rest will be good for Dr. Bailey since she's so pregnant. This elicits the much-feared "dubious black woman" threat posture, which George attempts desperately to stave off by saying Dr. Bailey is "fresh, spry, you glow." Yes, George, she glows like a giant fetus-laden brown dwarf.
Dr. She-Shepherd's patient is a young girl firmly in the Hilary Swank mold. Though named Rebecca, she goes by "Bex"--like the beer, only more modern. Why not Yuengling? Anyway, St. Pauli Girl has an enlarged pelvic lymph node that needs to be removed. While drawing her blood, George notices that she has some nasty razor-blade scars on her wrists. Ah yes, the old mental-illness twist. Genius!
Alex's patient is a droll, self-pitying novelist who talks like Hannibal Lecter and has a girlfriend who's a dead ringer for Amy Tan, minus the funny hats and yippy little dogs. Anyway, the guy has something stuck in his colon that can't be expelled via "normal methods." After a few questions, Alex learns that the patient ate the entire manuscript of his novel because he hated the way it turned out. Smashing! A veritable Stendhal!
Joy? Luck? How about SCORN
George's bloodwork reveals that Bex has abnormally high estrogen levels. You know, if I'd wanted sex-hormone drama I would've snuck into Transamerica. Awkwardly, George asks Bex why her estrogen is so high, thinking that she might be on birth control. Turns out she started taking five pills a day because she was flat-chested and wanted to grow boobs—but it didn't work. Honey, Gwyneth Paltrow could've told you that ages ago.
Next, it's ANOTHER elevator ride with Meredith and Dr. He-Shepherd--fancy that. They make eyes at each other and clearly want to go home together for a little "follow-up exam." He says he's over her, vice versa, blah blah blah, they're clearly not over each other in the least, boo, cute, yay. And whaddya know, when the elevator door opens who walks on but Dr. She-Shepherd. Meredith bolts, tension mounts, and the spouses quabble about Derek's feelings for Meredith, which they both agree are in the past.
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