...and I'll Tell You No Lies - 
by m_ruv
Ah, Grey's Anatomy. As is the case with Desperate Housewives, it seems that this show is in a bit of a holding pattern until sweeps. Nonetheless, this episode should be fun because the theme is lies, LIES!
As the episode opens, Meredith, fresh from her win at the Miss Optimism USA pageant, says that doctors are trained from the start to be skeptical, since patients lie all the time. In fact, it's best to assume that every patient is a liar til proven honest. Great, I was just telling my friend this morning how Seattle Grace Hospital could use a good dose of FASCISM.
Meredith and Cristina meet in the observation gallery overlooking the O.R., and each asks the other why she isn't prepping for rounds. They both claim "no reason," which in SGH code means "I'm crampy and sexually frustrated, so I've turned into a lying bitch." Meredith goes on about how society indoctrinates us that the truth is good and lying is bad. Meredith claims she's waiting for Dr. He-Shepherd; Cristina says she's avoiding Dr. Burke. Then she realizes in shock that Meredith has taken to calling her erstwhile surgical paramour "Dr. McDreamy" again.
Next, Dr. He-Shepherd is poking Meredith—in the arm, you cretins—because they need to do some family-history bloodwork for Ellis Grey's Alzheimer's clinical trial. The two share some lusty glances and verbal innuendos over the vials of blood—Billy Bob Thornton really WOULD love this show. Afterward, the awkwardness between Meredith and Cristina continues, as both can tell that they're hiding things from each other.
George and Izzie show up at the hospital with Meredith's infernal dog, enraged because the thing just peed on Izzie's bed and chewed up George's My Little Pony collection. George says he's had it up to his corset with the dog, so either it goes or he goes—Meredith has to decide. Never one to be selfish or anything, Meredith hesitates to answer. This pisses George off even more, so he shouts that he's moving out. Forthwith!
A patient checks into the E.R. with three fingers severed, bemoaning the fact that he's a guitarist and this will kill his livelihood. Whatever man, if a blind guy like Jamie Foxx can play piano, you sure as hell can play guitar with stumps. The patient—who appears to be the love child of a torrid three-way between Steve Buscemi, Christopher Reeve, and Matt LeBlanc—is really worried about getting the fingers reattached. After all, they did it for John Bobbit, right? Yeah, but look where his career went from there—these days he can't even get a talk show on Fox News.
Dr. He-Shepherd says the cuts are pretty clean but a long recovery and physical therapy will be necessary. Worse, the patient will have to quit smoking because it constricts the blood vessels and could cause the reattached fingers to fall off. "Not to mention," Izzie chimes in, "every time you smoke, Jesus kills a kitten!" Cristina, ever the compassionate bedside companion, adds that the fingers wouldn't just fall off but would first turn black and necrotic, sort of like Eartha Kitt.
George, meanwhile, is saddled with a hip replacement patient who refuses to leave the hospital. He is terrified of this woman, which is understandable because she looks like Ed Koch in full Norma Desmond makeup for the third national tour of Sunset Boulevard.
"Georgie, I'm ready for my closeup. GEORGIE!!!!!!"
In keeping with the Broadway drag queen theme, the patient will not stop singing. Upon learning that George's last name is O'Malley, she goes on about how much she loves the Irish—they have a certain sparkle and swagger, not to mention charming elfin hands. It turns out the woman has a spot reserved at a nursing home but doesn't want to leave the hospital until a room at her daughter's house is ready for her to move into. Given the theme of episode I bet she's a LIARESS.
Alex receives the results of his medical boards in the mail but is afraid to open them. He's assigned a patient who has persistent hiccups but doesn't speak English, so all communication has to pass through a translator who looks like something out of Pokemon. The patient may have a perforated esophagus, because it turns out she's a competitive eater—ooh, ripped from the headlines, albeit the 2004 headlines. This makes Alex smile downstairs because he likes competitive eating almost as much as competitive STD-dissemination. Alex and the patient flirt a bit via the interpreter, who turns out to be a LYING interpreter, as revealed through innovative use of subtitles. A true technical triumph.
The interpreter is also the patient's "eating coach"—one can only guess what that relationship entails—and says that the patient has to compete that afternoon in the "Taste of Seattle" contest. Just think, a whole afternoon of Dungeness crab frappuccinos! Dr. Bailey digs in her heels with the expected "mhmmm son she ain't competing for shit" response. Meanwhile, the head nurse on the hip-replacement case is pissed at Dr. Webber for all the extra work and lack of resources the nurses have been dealing with ever since he capped the interns' weeks at 80 hours.
Dr. Bailey suddenly has a bout of early contractions. Don't you love five-week pregnancies? They make for great television. Anyway, she goes into Dr. She-Shepherd's for a sonogram, and it turns out the baby is FUGLY, like a mini Walter Matthau.
"I'm putting my career on hold for THAT? Oh hell no."
Although Dr. Bailey's contractions prove to be a false alarm, early labor is probably a sign that her body is telling her to slow down. Dr. She-Shepherd tells Izzie to keep an eye on Dr. Bailey. Izzie, who seems dangerously undermedicated this week, responds with disdain.
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