Indeed, Cristina's words prove bad luck, because about 3,000 ambulances pull up in the next second, along with a page from Izzie's heartthrob Denny and a return of the surefire crowd pleaser, the patient vomiting blood. Cristina is assigned a man who was rear-ended—no, not like Clay Aiken rear-ended—and got a scalpful of broken glass when his head went through the windshield. The patient is counting something off with his fingers. Oh great, OCD. Indeed, he's counting off the whoops of the ambulance siren and says they can't take him into the hospital until the count reaches 33. Frankly, why waste the expense on this guy. "Oh yes, sir, the WAITING ROOM [morgue] IS RIGHT THIS WAY."

Meredith's patient has some chest and leg injuries and says she got struck by lightning. This patient is annoying, horoscope-obsessed, the love child of Andie MacDowell and Sarah Jessica Parker, and likely flying high on a cocktail of prescription drugs. Bailey notes that the woman shows none of the wounding or burn marks characteristic of a lightning strike. So the patient admits that she wasn't exactly struck by lightning, but instead a tree near her got struck and then dropped a branch on her. Bailey is pissed because this bitch done wasted her time, so she crosses out the chart and starts over. The woman keeps talking about her "boyfriend" in a way that suggests there are probably multiple restraining orders against her.

Denny, meanwhile, is having problems problems problems—pain and haunted house sounds whenever he breathes. It might be a blood clot in his lungs, a complication from that surgery last week when they implanted the Lego motor that is now powering his heart.

"You wanna just leave these two in the dumpster out back?"

Meredith and Cristina end up in the elevator together with their respective patients on gurneys. Meredith complains that she got "got hot-chocolated by a She-Shepherd." OMGOMGOMG TVGASM RECAPS NOW AFFECT THE COURSE OF HIT SHOWS!! Well who knows, but that's what I choose to believe. Anyway, I basically fell out of my chair, so I now have significant bruising from hitting the floor, so THANKS, ELLEN POMPEO. Anyway, Cristina is really up to her limit with this juju shit. But the crazy stalker patient chimes in and says Meredith is not obligated to honor She-Shepherd's juju. Thanks sweetcheeks, but if I needed relationship advice I'd consult Liza Minnelli.

George's new flame, Dr. Torres, sets the lightning-struck patient's leg—apparently she is SGH's designated, take-no-prisoners bonesetter. God knows what she'll do to George. Speaking of, George approaches and asks whether she he can give her a hand. Dr. Torres says too late, he missed the boat. Oucho. Then Meredith walks in, trapping George in an awkwardness box between the two women. Dr. Torres notes that the bruises on the patient's leg don't look like they came from a tree branch. So the patient admits she wasn't on the ground but was actually UP in the tree when the lightning struck and then she fell down. Jesus, could she revise her self-diagnosis ANY MORE? What's next? Fecal impaction? HISTOPLASMOSIS?

Outside, Cristina tells Burke she's sorry his patient died. He complains that the laundry lost his mdash;he knows it's not the reason the guy died, but the caps are "a comfort thing" nonetheless. Along those same lines, Cristina mentions she'd be MUCH more comfortable if George and his clarinet-playing ass were out of the apartment, especially because then she and Burke could resume their nasty, SaranWrap-clad sex romps all over the living room. So Cristina admits to Burke she has one of his caps hidden in her possession and just maybe she'll keep it hostage til he kicks George out. Burke doesn't like ultimatums, so once she's gone he enlists George to recover his lost flava, wherever it might be found. Suddenly this plot is sounding a lot like Austin Powers 2.

"I dunno, I've just been puking up blood and feeling a chill, a really BIG CHILL"

It turns out one of the patients who arrived earlier is an old friend of Dr. Webber. He WOULD associate with the coughing-up-blood set. I was gonna write that this woman is the love child of Mary Kay Place and Bette Midler, but fortunately I checked the cast list and realized that it IS Mary Kay Place, so phew, disaster averted. Anyway, she's got all manner of bleeding in her digestive region. This scene turns very interesting when the patient asks how Webber's been doing recently. He says Ellis Grey's in a nursing home and he's been visiting as often as he can—which prompts the woman to interrupt WTF he's having what amounts to an emotional affair with the woman who drove him to ALCOHOLISM? Ooh so Webber was an alcoholic! And at the hands of Meredith's mother, no less! (Also, I saw on a spoiler site that Webber is African-American—don't tell anybody though.) Anyway, the woman is a former alcoholic herself and used to be Webber's sponsor. Due to cirrhosis she needs a liver transplant. She scolds Webber for hiding his emotional dallying from his wife but says she's proud he's stayed sober for seventeen years.

In the locker room, Cristina catches thieving George going through her locker. And boy is there about a decade's worth of old garbage in there: Red Bull, slutty underwear, handcuffs, rectal thermometers—but no flava cap. Cristina says George won't find it in there; despite his offers to do her dishes or laundry for a month, she remains unmoved. He asks what she could possibly want, but she wants only for him to leave the apartment. The impasse continues.

Posted by m_ruv on March 23, 2006 11:30 AM