The premiere began with a perfunctory introduction of Gordon Ramsey. The narrator modestly referred to G-Ram as the KING OF ALL CHEFS (pause for timpani and gongs) but then some slick footage of the cook speeding away in a sports car revealed that he was also the bad-boy of the culinary world. Sadly, we did not see Gordon crashing through a restaurant window on a Harley with long, rebellious locks blowing in the wind. I guess that's because being the bad-boy of the kitchen really doesn't carry the same caché of an actual rockstar or athlete. Something tells me that not even the most hardcore of chefs has ever uttered, "Dammit, my souflé collapsed. NOW LET'S TRASH THE HOTEL ROOM! ROCK AND ROLL!!!!"

Nevertheless, the oh-so-serious narrator introduced us to the "hot new restaurant" -- or soundstage, as we like to call it -- that would serve as the backdrop of this show, and then it was time to meet our future Iron Chefs. As the contestants mingled in the empty restaurant, the narrator informed us that "food is their passion." And, well, reality stardom too. But that's neither here nor there. Anyway, we first met Jessica, a bleached blonde headhunter who seems to have taken hair advice from Linkin Park. We didn't really get to learn much about her personal life, but something tells me her dishes will feature more clams than sausages, if you know what I mean (wink wink, nudge nudge).

Next up on the rainbow of diversity that is Hell's Kitchen was Dewberry, an effeminate, rotund (er, obese really), and not-so-nimble pastry chef who nearly became a human bowling ball after tripping down some steps. Luckily, the only damage was some sloshed champagne (and perhaps a few floorboards). Like Jessica, we didn't learn much about Dewberry (thanks Fox official website for not having the bios up) except that he's from Georgia, which leads me to hope that there might be some dramatic moment later where he'll declaire "Well, I never!" and then faint.

Do The Dew...berry

Next up was Andrew from New Jersey, a young whippersnapper whose dreams are to be a state senator or open a restaurant. Well, congratulations Andrew! By appearing on this reality show, you've ensured that both will not be coming true! Bravo!

With the benign small-talk reaching a fever-pitch, a comely, greasy-haired gentleman entered the room with a look that seemed to say "Why, yes, I am French." Actually, he was really from Brussels, but as an unenlightened American, I'll simply call it "over there." Anyway, this was Jean Philippe, the Maitre'D, and he was there to introduce the two sous chefs of the kitchen: Scott and Mary Ann. Not quite the Carolyn and George of the kitchen, these two were still an imposing duo. Okay, they weren't imposing at all, but they really tried to be, what with their sneers and yelling. The only thing missing were a few well-timed growls and barks. Anyway, Scott appeared ready to be Jason Statham's stunt double while Mary Ann had the rigid charm of an LPGA caddy. The two said that His Holiness Sir Gordon Ramsey would be arriving shortly, and everyone would have forty five minutes to create a signature dish to impress him. That's right, Dewberry. Throw away that champagne and get to work!

As everyone frantically ran around the kitchen, we met more of the candidates, but quite frankly, they kind of blended together for me. There was Elsie, the mom from Jersey. There was Jeff, the finance manager from Jersey. There was Wendy, the marketing consultant from Jersey. And there was Ralph, the chef from, you guessed it, JERSEY. Oh, and let's not forget about our aspiring politico, Andrew, also from the Garden State. Yes, apparently this was going to be an adventure through Jersey's culinary landscape (by the way, Jersey + landscape = never good).

Soon though we met Mary Ellen. Sweet, idiotic Mary Ellen. Fed up with her demanding bartending job (read: floundering acting career), Mary Ellen was hoping to break out and win a restaurant of her own (that is the prize, by the way). And what, pray tell, did the lovely Mary Ellen cook up for us? Well, it's not so much that she cooked it up as she, uh, arranged it up. Yes, Mary Ellen's signature dish was an endive salad with toasted walnuts. Oh the complexities are blowing me away! Endives? With walnuts??? Mary Ellen, your gifts are too great for this simple world! Now, I don't want to give anything away, but I heard that next week, Mary Ellen makes a peanut butter and jelly sandwich... ON A BRIOCHE!!!

Posted by B-side on May 31, 2005 11:41 PM