The show began with a never-ending recap of not just the central premise (yup, there goes G-Ram in his bad-boy convertible again) but last week's episode as well. I suppose this was Fox's way to make all the new viewers feel at home. Anyway, after five minutes of this, we finally began episode two as the over-eager narrator announced, "Dewberry seeks a moment alone!" Thanks, I didn't notice that when we saw Dewberry standing in the bathroom, you know, alone. Unfortunately, our man-muffin could have nary a second to himself as Elsie soon walked into the bathroom. Uh oh. This would be awkward. For those of you who missed last week, Elsie promised to keep Dewberry safe, only to betray him at the last second and nominate him for elimination. Surely Dewberry would lay into her with the potent brand of sass that only a fat gay man from Georgia can muster. Or... he would hug her. Yeah, Dewbs simply embraced his turncoat friend before she could even utter an apology. Way to diffuse the tension, jerk. To be fair, he did think she was a giant croissant. (Don't know why he hugs croissants, but just go with it).

Anyway, the next morning, while the contestants all slept fitfully in their dorms, sous chefs Scott and Maryann raised hell (heh, get it?) by banging pots and pans as an early morning wake-up call (the narrator informed us that this was both figurative AND literal. THANKS). Dewberry confessed to us that in his confusion, he thought a gun had gone off, which leads me to wonder how many guns he's actually been around. I'd hate to see him knock over a kitchenware display at Williams Sonoma -- he'd probably think a gang shootout had erupted near the olive oils.

Nevertheless, the cooks shuffled into the kitchen where Gordon greeted them with a typically angry face. Not everyone was there though. Cocky chef Chris stayed back in the dorms to brush his teeth and change shirts. When he finally emerged seven minutes later, G-Ram quickly berated him with an efficient "Lazy f-cker!" And with that, the narrator piped up again, this time reverently saying, "Everything Chef Ramsey does has a purpose." The narrator then added, "I LOVE Chef Ramsey!" Actually, he didn't say that, but he did go on to explain that the contestants would now be tackling a challenge that would test their attention to detail. Specifically, the cooks would be gutting and preparing squid, and the team with the most clean squid at the end of ten minutes would win dinner with the man himself, Mr. Gordon Ramsey.

I actually enjoyed this little challenge, if only because it seemed like a legitimate training exercise. I was mildly disturbed though when Gordon stuck a zucchini into the dead squid. Maybe it's my dirty mind, but the entire image looked mildly sexual in an all too squid sort of way. It didn't help that we then saw Dewberry gently stroking his squid-wrapped zucchini. I'm all for the phallic jokes, but when there's a squid involved, well, that's just unpleasant.

Anyway, it came time for Gordon to examine all the squids, causing Wendy to boast, "I think Gordon's going to love the fact that I'm a perfectionist." Unfortunately, her squids were far from perfection as many had tears or skin still on them. Well, looks like Wendy's perfected the art of being an IDIOT!

Ultimately, the Red team won the calamari competition which meant they could eat dinner with G-Ram while the Blue team would spend the evening preparing squid for the next night's dinner service. Later, as the winners got all dressed and spiffy for din-din, Dewberry stumbled upon a snazzy-looking Elsie and declared, "Look at you, J. Lo!" Because all Latina women look exactly like J. Lo, right? Dewberry then cornered Wendy and said, "So how's it hanging, Connie Chung?" I would make some joke about African American stereotypes, but oops! No black people on the show! Yay diversity! (Then again, with one Asian, one Latina, and possibly one butch lesbian, the show looks like the United Nations compared to The OC).

As the Blue team got down and dirrty Xtina Aguilera-style with the squid, Gordon showed his softer side by dining with his culinary slaves. Aww look. The asshole can be nice too. We heart Gordon now! Later, we switched to night-vision mode as the tired chefs all slipped into bed and went to sleep. All that was missing was a tinkling music-box chiming away on the soundtrack. Fearing that we might be total morons, the narrator suddenly piped up and said, "It's the end of another long day in Hell's Kitchen, and everyone has gone to bed exhausted." Yes, WE KNOW.

Posted by B-side on June 7, 2005 3:39 PM