Actually, to be fair, not everyone was asleep. We cut to Jeff who was hobbled over in the hallway moaning like he'd just been shot in the gut. What the? Did G-Ram poison him out of anger? Well, surely someone would help him, right? Eh, not so much. Jessica (short, bleached blonde, looks like a little boy) walked by him and asked, "Are you okay, Jeff?" But when he only moaned and fell to the ground, she simply replied with a disgusted grunt, "Whatever," and sauntered away. Um, there's a man DYING in your hallway, bitch. Lend a freakin' hand!

"Little help? No? That's cool."

The next morning, Jessica explained, "He's a bit of a hypochondriac." THE MAN WAS DOUBLED OVER ON THE GROUND! As Bonnie Raitt would say, Have a Heart! Well, turns out Jeff has a history of kidney stones, and he passed one that night. Now, I once had the pleasure of passing my very own kidney stone, and I will tell you, Jeff's experience was not an over-reaction. It is shocking how difficult it is to simply stand up when that mo-fo is making its way through your body. That being said, Jeff is sort of a pussy.

Anyway, let's talk about Dewberry again. "Dewberry's definitely on the right track," gushed the narrator after our portly cook whipped up some tasty pasta. Seriously, what's with the Greek Chorus? Do we really need this disembodied voice to spell out ALL our feelings? I half expected the narrator to say, "Dewberry is happy now. And now Dewberry is sad. And now Dewberry is confused. Wait, he's sad again. Happy. Confused. Happy. Sad..."

Finally, it was time to serve the masses, and before starting up the kitchen, Gordon had another surprise for the Blue Team. Because they lost the squid challenge, their air conditioning and fans would be turned off. You see, on G-Ram's first or second night of owning a restaurant, similar ventilation problems plagued him, and like an abused child, the traumas of his experiences must now be passed on to a new generation. Of course, Ramsey added his own motivational flair to this twist: "You stand there like a man, and you SWEAT!" Seriously, I think Ramsey has to stand there like a metrosexual man and hit a day-spa. CALM DOWN.

Unlike last week's episode, the food service seemed to be a little more reliable this time around with the announcer proudly noting, "Mary Ellen's Caesar salad heads out without a snag!" Such a difficult dish, too. All that lettuce that has to be, you know, put on a plate. I get worn out just thinking about it. Luckily, Mary Ellen's previous expertise with endives (and presumably chicory, escarole, and the occasional frisée) prepared her for the intense gauntlet that is Caesar Salad Tossing. Bravo, Mary Ellen. Your Cordon Bleu certification awaits!

Unfortunately, the kitchen's strong start quickly faded away as screw-ups began to mount at a frightening pace. Perfectionist Wendy turned fell into a risotto nightmare as she found herself struggling to keep up to speed. Meanwhile, kidney stoner Jeff became a complete space cadet as he bumbled around his station, spilling peppers and losing sight of valuable spinach. Thankfully, Gordon jumped on his ass (figuratively) and chewed him out for a few minutes, much to the delight of the studio audience. Jeff later explained to us that the pain from his kidney stones had resurfaced, causing him to lose focus. You know, ever since Tonya's tenure on Real World: Chicago, I've always felt there should be more kidney stone drama on reality TV. Thanks, Hell's Kitchen!

Elsewhere, future politico Andrew clashed with present endive champion Mary Ellen over some Beef Wellington. Turns out that any dish which needs to be actually "cooked" (whatever THAT means) is a bit out of Mary Ellen's salad wheelhouse. Well, not any dish. She can toast walnuts quite well.

With the chefs all stumbling along, a new batch of customers made the brave trip to the kitchen to ask what the fletch was going on. Those of you viewing last week may remember Gordon's rude and dismissive remarks to his patrons, and for a second, it looked like he had changed his ways. He actually apologized to one Long Island-ish looking pipsqueak, but when the kid dared to say that Gordon's remorse did nothing for him, G-Ram snapped back, "You do f-ck for me either." Ka-BOOM! Amazingly, the little douchebag stood there and kept talking, finally realizing that a bunch of amateurs were running the kitchen. "Finally your head's coming out of your asshole. Now sit down you f-cking shit!" snapped Gordon. By the way, I'm not sure about the last two words. There were a few too many beeps for me to decipher.

Speaking of bleeps, we heard a bunch more as Dewberry frantically bounced around the kitchen like a beach ball in a mosh pit. Gordon sneered, yelled, and berated Dewberry (god, I love it when Gordon yells "DEWBERRY!" It's like some long lost catch phrase from a 1960s TV show). Eventually, Ramsey called him useless, causing Dewberry to chirp, "Goodbye!" Oh shit! He's leaving! Dewberry's leaving! Nooooo!!!

Well, not so fast. Dewberry claimed that when he saw Elsie's sad face, he knew he couldn't walk away (I personally think he just got too winded by the time he reached the kitchen door. Zing! Poking fun at the easy target -- classy!). Later, Dewberry tearfully told us that Gordon "was trying to get me to be, I guess, better than I am." He then shot himself in the head. No, that actually didn't happen, but I think everyone else in America wanted to after that depressingly defeatist comment. Cheer up, Blueberry! Maybe you'll have a comeback! Right?

Posted by B-side on June 7, 2005 3:39 PM