This gargantuan double-episode kicked off with a recap from the last show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This would all be fine and good if we actually cared about these characters. Nevertheless, Chris was axed and... uh, Gordon yelled a lot. The good news out of all this was that the producers finally stopped cramming that annoying intro down our throat where we see that G-Ram is the bad boy of the kitchen. He drives a fast car, Graham Norton's scared of him, WE GET IT!

And now here's obvious observation #1: Has anyone ever really looked at the opening credits? I just noticed that Gordon spends the entire clip shaking his head back and forth, looking at the contestants with British disdain. Kind of like an angry Brady Bunch. Makes me wish Ann B. Davis was on the show too. Now that would be awesome.

N-E-whoo, I'm only about ten seconds into the show, and I'm already babbling about sitcom stars of yore. Well, once the credits ended, my flavorite narrator welcomed us with his traditional greeting: "And now the continuation of Hell's Kitchen." Thank god he says that every week. Otherwise, I would be all like "Wait, is this a rerun? I haven't seen it before, but I just can't be certain it's the continuation. If only someone could spell it out for me..."

With everyone reeling from the surprise ouster of Chris two weeks ago, the wannabe chefs returned to their humble dorms to cry, smoke, and shuffle around. "Chef Ramsey's unexpected removal of Chris has left Elsie in shock," explained the narrator. Oh really? I thought those tears were because she just happened to have caught the English Patient on cable just now.

Well, with Elsie feeling sad, Jessica came by to cheer her up. "You're gorgeous. You're my edible mama," she said, adding, "Maybe sometime you wanna go to a flannel convention and read poetry? Afterwards, we can listen to the Indigo Girls and quiz each other on the LPGA. Just thinkin' out loud."

We then cut to Michael who explained to us why he nominated Chris for elimination. "My decision to put Chris up was definitely like drawing first blood. I'm definitely trying to be this black widow," he said. Hmmm... kind of a mixed metaphor. I'm not sure, but I think Michael just likened himself to a seductress. If Hollywood ever makes a movie about this show, he sooo wants to be played by Theresa Russell (Barbara Hershey would be acceptable too).

As for Ralph, he had this to say, "I learned a very important lesson today." Yes. Stop drinking Cialis milkshakes at bedtime. That's right. Cheap erection humor, folks. I'm here all week. Tips in the jar.

The next morning, Ramsey gathered the teams around and announced, "Our next challenge: we'll be doing some blind tasting." And because I'm apparently an idiot, the narrator reinforced this by saying, "So today he's challenging them to a blind taste test." Yeah, HE JUST SAID THAT. You know, like three seconds ago. It's like going to the movies with a jerk who narrates everything that just happened on screen. "You see that? That was an explosion. Oh, and he's going in the building now. And now he's talking." SHUT UP!

Anyway, Gordon explained that whichever team identified enough foods blindly would win the competition. "The winning team is coming out with me this afternoon," he added. So... does that mean they're leaving the studio or is everyone just admitting that they're gay? Just wondering. It's a very ambiguous thing to say. By the way, the losing team would have to clean the dishes. You know what's sad? Every week, the punishment is something like "Clean the dishes" or "Clean the dorms" or "prepare the pasta." This so-called punishment is what thousands of people do for a living. Kind of makes you think. (thinking... yawning... checking Friendster) Okay, that was a profound moment. Let's move on.

Well, to kick off the first round of this competition, Gordon had Andrew and Jimmy blindfolded and fitted with headphones. The master chef then tested their hearing by asking Jimmy, "What's it like to be slim?" Oops, I just chuckled. That's right, Gordon finally had a funny remark. I mean, that's not to say I don't enjoy traditional "plank" humor or the occasional "turd" comment, but it's nice to branch out to some low levels of comedy, even if it comes at Jimmy's portly expense.

Speaking of Jimmy, he had everyone in stitches with his wildly incorrect guess at the very first item, which happened to be chicken. Andrew got it right, but Jimmy somehow confused the ordinary poultry with something far more convoluted. "It tasted like a meat tortellini with a bit of sweated onions in the background," he said. What the? Oddly enough, he then tasted meat tortellini with sweated onions and described it as "chocolate milk with a touch of broccoli."

Posted by B-side on July 14, 2005 4:37 PM