This is fun! Let's do another! "Both Jimmy and Andrew missed the next two," explained the narrator quickly. Hey, WTF? How could you just gloss right over that? Bastard narrator. For the first time ever, he decides to summarize what we don't see.

Anyway, Jimmy and Andrew's round ended with a little radish (Andrew thought it was parsnip, Jimmy got it right though), which brought the score between the teams to 1-1. Next up: Elsie and Jessica. Their first item was ox tongue, which they both incorrectly identified as pork. From that point on, however, Elsie went on a tear, getting the next three food items correct. Jessica was not as lucky. She thought scallops were liver, caesar salad dressing was viniagrette, and hamburger was, uh, filet mignon. Yeah, there's a distinct difference between the two. One is a filet and one is, you know, ground meat. Meanwhile, was I the only one who thought Gordon called hamburger, "goose" or "gooth"? Oh those wacky Brits...

With the score 4 to 1, the always dependable narrator chimed in with more unnecessary commentary: "Elsie was near perfect, giving the red team a huge lead by identifying three right, bringing the score to 4 for red and 1 for blue." THE SCORE IS ON THE SCREEN. WE CAN READ! (By the way, I started this recap at home, but now I'm on an airplane. Mayhaps a shot is in order? Nah, that costs money. I'll just take another sip of my tomato juice and scrape for remains in my "Savory Snack Mix" bag. Thanks United!)

Okay, so round three of the big taste-off. Ralph vs. Michael. Mano a mano. Chef to chef. Erection to tattoo. The first item up for tasting: veal sweetbreads. Mmmm... I do love me some sweetbreads. Ralph's answer: beef "with fat, chef?" Eh, no. Michael? "Something awful, man. Something from a cow that I shouldn't be eating. A brain or something like that." Yes, that's a popular dish at restaurants, "A brain or something like that." Meanwhile, the normally surly Gordon was doubled over with laughter. Blind tastings are his version of Showtime at the Apollo.

Once he composed himself, Gordon noted that Ralph needed to get the next tasting correct or else the red team would win. "Ralph can't afford to miss even one," echoed the narrator. Honestly, I don't even know what to say anymore. How many times can I write "HE JUST SAID THAT!" or "YEAH, WE KNOW"? Whoever's writing this narration is just screwing with us now. Sigh. I guess I'll just take another swig of my non-alcoholic tomato juice. And yes, I am that jerk in the cabin slurping. I'm sorry, but the ice cubes are too large. Just call me Señor Slurpington.

Well, anyway, Ralph's big test came down to a simple leaf of spinach, but when he identified it as romaine lettuce, it was curtains for his team. Later, he blamed his failure on having spent too much time smoking and sucking cough drops, which is always what I hope gourmet chefs are doing in their down time. As usual, Andrew got all pissed off at the loss, telling us, "I would like to put on a suit and enjoy his [Ramsey's] company!" Mommy! I wanna play with Gordon!

Anyway, the winning team took a trip to hoity Los Angeles restaurant Campanile (home of the all grilled cheese menu on Thursdays) where they sampled wines with Gordo. The mercurial chef was once again in high spirits as he happily ribbed Jimmy on proper oeniphile etiquette. "Suck your lips together," he insisted, thus opening the door for many G-Ram/Jimmy/sexual fetish jokes. The Blue team, meanwhile, cleaned pots and pans, an activity that afforded us the pleasure of checkin' out Jessica's sweet tribal tattoo. Nothing makes a woman look sexier. Grrrrrrowl!

That evening, Gordon called Jimmy in the dorms and had him alert everyone to assemble in the kitchen. While the call was brief, I was incredibly amused by the Dr. Evil staging of Ramsey who was seen from behind sitting in a chair. The only thing missing was a little cat in his lap. Anyway, once everyone was in the kitchen, Gordon said, "I've got a huge announcement. Tomorrow night, for the first time ever in Hell's Kitchen--" There will be a commercial break? Because that's what we got. These producers just love throwing them in at the most inopportune times. But don't worry, I won't keep you in suspense. The chefs would be designing their own menus. Okay, that's pretty cool.

The teams split off to brainstorm, and almost immediately, the Blue team fell under the iron-fisted rule of Ralph. First he shot down Jess's chocolate cheesecake idea and then Andrew's salmon. "I think halibut's great. I think people like halibut," Ralph said. Yeah, because no one likes salmon. It's lack of popularity is dwarfed only by maggot soup. I mean, just because people order it all the time doesn't mean they actually enjoy it. Good choice, Ralph. Good choice.

Anyway, the dinner service eventually came around, and Gordon had a nifty little surprise for the Blue team. Because they had lost the blind tasting, their storeroom would be locked. Ramsey gave them the password once and said they had better remember it because he wasn't about to say it again. The team then scurried to the store room and opened the door. Well, that was an exciting setback. Actually, there were some sparks. Andrew applied tape to the door to keep it from locking again, but when Scott caught him, the sous chef exploded in rage. He made Andrew take off the tape and return the chickens the team had just removed from the room. That's right, they had to unlock the door AGAIN! Hell's Kitchen indeed!

Posted by B-side on July 14, 2005 4:37 PM