Meanwhile, out in the dining room, hungry patrons began to file in. "With the debut of two new menus, it's almost as if it's opening night," said the narrator. Uh, actually, not really. It's more like the debut of... a new menu. Scintillating! I haven't been this excited since Applebees introduced onion soup au gratin to its appetizers.

Anyway, the way this whole dinner service thing worked was that diners chose from either a blue or a red menu. As we watched people examine the offerings, the narrator noted, "Tonight, the customers have the contestants' fate in their hands. LITERALLY." Oh, narrator! What a clever play on words. You are a pleasure, LITERALLY!

After the narrator was done being HILARious, the chefs finally got to work cookin' up dinner. Things started out rocky as the perennially beleaguered Andrew crashed into a bus boy, thus spawning the new Fox special, "When Busboys Attack!" Despite errant busboy collisions, the Blue team seemed to be doing well as they're dishes flowed out faster than Gordon could make an awkward turd joke.

On the Red side, however, the team was slowed by Jimmy's inability to properly bake a scallop. Eventually Michael had to step up and save the day, causing the narrator to announce, "Michael has put an end to the scallop dilemma." Yes, and what a dilemma it was! I think we'll all look back at the Great Scallop Dilemma of 2005 with fond memories.

Back on the Blue team, Andrew committed a cardinal sin. No, he didn't murder anyone (yet), but he served hot food on cold plates. Why you BASTARD! Okay, to be fair, Gordo's rule does make sense, but unfortunately for the team, this was the first of many misfires to beset their kitchen. While they had eleven more orders than their Red opponents, the diners were returning their plates at a rapid pace, especially the halibut which was overcooked and tasteless. Halibut? More like hali-don't! Okay, that was a stretch. Oooh oooh, I got it! Andrew puts the "butt" in "Halibut". Nailed it! Just imagine the possibilities with bass...

Over on the Red team, Elsie was excited because someone finally ordered her specialty: paella. She'd been talking it up so much all episode that even I was ready to eat it, and I don't really like paella. It is fun to say though. Wasn't there a Seinfeld episode about paella? Eh, I digress. Anyway, after all this hype, Elsie finally made her famed dish, only to have the diner scoff that it was just "seafood on top of rice." Ouch. "Looks like Elsie's children are still the only ones who are big fans of her paella," said the narrator. Oh you di'int! That is harsh! I mean, Elsie, the narrator just dissed you AND your kids! You gonna take that sitting down? I think you should put on your Fat Albert voice and flambé his balls.

Later, two women -- most likely blind -- pointed at Ralph and said, "He's cute!" Luckily he saw them and waved back happily. Man, if you thought his morning wood was bad before... well... all I'm saying is that he probably found a new place to hang some dish towels. Anyway, Gordon immediately flipped out and accused Ralph of reveling in minor fame. Gordon then added, "Now if you excuse me, I have to drive around in my sports car so Fox can tape me for the opening credits of this TV show."

Finally, Gordon became so disgusted with the kitchen that he yelled, "Close it down! F*ckin' turn the ovens off!" Hey, what happened to "SHUT IT DOWN!!" I thought we had catch phrase, albeit a very awkward, useless, and unfunny catch phrase. Alas, I'll never get a good catch phrase out of this show. I bet if Dewberry were around longer, he'd have come up with something.

With the kitchen closed, the teams lined up for their nightly evaluation. Gordon pretty much slammed everyone, but his most amusing critique was of Jessica. "Jessica. Not bad. It was consistent. Consistently AVERAGE!" He then added, "Oh, and you're pretty. Pretty UGLY!"

Well, even though Blue had fifty-three orders compared to Red's forty-two, they still lost because six of the nineteen halibuts were returned. That's like a 32% failure rate. Awesome! Well, Ramsey was quite angered by this spectacular flop; so he asked whose idea was it. Silence. [cricket chirp] This is awkward. Finally, Andrew spoke up to say that he wanted to do a braised salmon and-- WHO'S IDEA WAS IT?? Okay, okay, it was Ralph's! When asked if this was true, Ralph simply replied, "The dish would seem to be a combination of everybody, chef." You sneaky, peach-on-steak bastard. Stand up to your failures, jerk. At the very least, if you're gonna lie, have it make sense. "The dish would seem to be a combination"? Why exactly would it seem that way? Does he not know the answer? Is he only conjecturing? Please, Ralph. Put some ice on your crotch and stop thinking about those girls.

Anyway, it was Jess's decision to nominate one person for elimination (with one person, it's not so much a nomination as it is a selection, right?). "Chef Ramsey is relying on Jessica to sort out the halibut hell caused by Ralph and Andrew," said the narrator. Halibut hell? Man, this narrator is on fire! I'm gonna use that term from now on. Check it: if someone ever asks me why I was late to something, I'm just gonna shrug and say, "Halibut hell!" Sorry, is this recap a bit long? Well, you know how it goes -- halibut hell!

Posted by B-side on July 14, 2005 4:37 PM