Gordon Is Happy. So F@*!#ING Happy. - 
by B-side
Well, we were down to the final three on last night's episode of Hell's Kitchen, and for once, the aspiring chefs were evaluated based on their cooking skills, not just their efficiency on the line. Each baby-Ramsey had to design an entrée which would be graded by the diners. Whoever had the highest marks would move onto the next round. Isn't this what the show should have been all the while? Anyway, I've learned not to question the logic in Hell's Kitchen. I just accept it, lest I deflate the pop cultural soufflé that is Gordon Ramsey.
Last night's episode began with Jessica narrowly avoiding elimination to Elsie. As she and the gang headed back into the dorms, the narrator dependably piped up by saying, "After two weeks of being close to elimination, Jessica is relieved to be part of the final three." Funny, I didn't detect a note of relief when Jessica gushed, "I'm here, and I'm so ecstatic to be here. I think it's the happiest I've been. I mean, making it to the final three is absolutely amazing." Again, good work, narrator.
That night, the three partied with some champagne left to them by the producers. Jessica tossed back one too many glasses of the bubbly and wound up falling off the backyard hammock. I don't know how it happened, but I like to think the hammock ejected her in a rebellious fit against all the chubby people stretching it down (ahem, Dewberry). Ralph, meanwhile, revealed to us his nickname for Michael: "Spider." It's funny, because Michael's nickname for Ralph is "fat balding man with a boner."
Anyway, after some spirited partying, everyone went to sleep, but at 3:49 AM, the phone in the kitchen rang. Turns out it was Gordon calling to say there was an emergency. Oh no! Did someone die?? Worse. THERE WAS NO BREAD! Allegedly the bakery couldn't deliver its loaves and buns (and by "couldn't," I mean "was told not to"); so the lowly chefs would have to rise early and get bakin'.
Unfortunately, when Michael tried to wake everyone up, no one believed that Ramsey was waiting out in the kitchen at 4:00 AM. Ralph simply flailed his paw about while Jessica took a more aggressive approach and tried to tackle Michael (but not before she liberally scratched her ass though). Luckily, sous chef Scott poked his growly head in the room, causing Ralph to immediately apply his ass-kissing smile and pop out of bed like a sexually excited bunny.
From Jessica's ass to your dinner, the hands that feed the masses!In the kitchen, Gordon had news. "Hell's Kitchen is in high demand!" From who exactly? People who like their food poorly cooked and slow to arrive? Nevertheless, G-Ram announced that there would be another dinner service THAT NIGHT! Holy Moly! I need some narrator explanation: "Tonight's dinner service will mark the first time ever that Hell's Kitchen is opening two nights in a row." Wow. It's almost like a REAL RESTAURANT!
Well, because of the aforementioned bakery bust, the kiddos had to spend the early hours of the morning baking bread. Unfortunately for Jessica, she was still a bit pooped and opted to take a nap on the counter. I can't be positive, but I'm pretty sure that having her stanky-ass chef's jacket and nasty pajama pants on the cutting board is NOT sanitary. Luckily, she moved into the bedroom where she caught a few more ZZZs. Ralph, meanwhile, amped himself up by doing some pushups in the kitchen. Wonderful. That would be particularly impressive if he were in a boxing match, NOT BAKING DINNER ROLLS!
Finally, when all the baking was done, everyone went back to bed and caught about two hours of shut-eye before the show's obligatory hottie, Maryann, busted into the dorms and woke everyone up with a triangle. Time to get back to work, slackers. Gordon summoned everyone into the kitchen and announced the big twist for that evening's dinner service. "All three of you are going to come up with a new, exciting, creative, INSPIRATIONAL DISH!" he said intensely. That's right. BE INSPIRATIONAL, DAMMIT!
Before they could BE INSPIRATIONAL though, the cooks had to endure another of Gordon's challenges (which by the way, tend to be my favorite part of the show). Tonight, Gordon announced that this was his favorite challenge. Oooh! And what is your favorite challenge, Gordo? "The perfect soufflé." We then cut to Spartan Spirit cheerleaders Craig and Arianna. "You know what this game needs, Craig?" THE PERFECT SOUFFLÉ!
Anyway, Gordon told the chefs that they had ten minutes to make the perfect soufflé. "Be creative and be original," he added. We then cut to Ralph licking his lips and saying, "A white peach and ribeye soufflé! With maybe a touch of shrimp and apple!" Actually, Ralph stayed pretty conservative as he whipped up a chocolate, hazelnut, and mint confection. The narrator, meanwhile, noted that "These three finalists must rise to the occasion." Ah. soufflé humor. The best.
After ten minutes, everyone handed over their soufflés to be put in the oven. Ramsey gushed, "When they work, it's a dream come true." Well, that is if you dream of soufflés. Anyhoo, once the desserts were all ready, G-Ram had a tasting. Jessica's was so bad that the master chef actually had to laugh. "That's pretty shitty. That is the worst soufflé I've ever tasted," he said, apparently never having enjoyed my homemade twigs, lint, and dirt soufflé. It's a classic.
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