The other two contestants received mixed reviews, but in the end, Gordon selected Ralph as the winner. Boom! Instant boner! In an interview, Ralph noted, "I've been laying low with all these challenges." Suuuuure. I guess we'll just overlook all those times you cursed and banged dishware in frustration. That was all an act, right? As for his big prize, Ralph got to choose whether he wanted his dish that night to be beef, chicken, or tuna. Awwww shit! Gordon just played him! Ralph thought he was going to go on a helicopter ride or a movie premiere, and instead, he got stuck with a lame-ass reward. Oh SNAP! Instant boner deflation.

Anyway, Ralph chose beef, Michael chose tuna, and Jessica was stuck with boring old chicken. The group then spent the rest of the morning designing their dishes, with Ralph opting to serve a filet mignon. WHOA! Now THAT is exciting, creative, and inspirational!!! Say it again? Filet mign-- mign-- mign-what? It's such a unique and original idea, I don't know how to say it!

Well, Jessica struggled greatly designing her dish but eventually settled on a stuffed chicken breast with goat cheese and herbs wrapped in prosciutto. Funny story: my spellcheck doesn't recognize the word "prosciutto." Instead, it suggests "prostitute," which would really bring a whole new dimension to Jessica's dish. As for Michael, his big original dish was a sesame-crusted filet of tuna (no way!) served with a lobster paella.

After all the hype, the dinner service finally began, and unbeknownst to the finalists, their families were all present up in the balcony. This afforded us the opportunity to meet Ralph's bubbly fiancé appropriately named Buffy. She kind of looked like a blonde-haired, big-breasted version of Ralph. Needless to say, it was a bit disarming.

Elsewhere in the restaurant, a woman nearly wet herself with Ralph's steak. "This is orgasmic," she moaned, grossing out her friends. Another lady had equally high praise for Jessica's chicken, saying, "I'm liking this. They did an awesome job on this chicken." Unfortunately, no one shared the love for Michael, whose tuna was received with "I don't like this at all. I don't want this on my plate." Upstairs, in the VIP (read: family) section, Buffy (who talks like a six year-old) declared that she didn't mind the steak and that she didn't mind the tuna. What about the chicken? Buffy stuffed a piece into her mouth, paused, and then spat it out into a napkin. CLASSY!

Buffy The Chicken Slayer prefers to spit.

Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Jessica found herself overwhelmed -- as usual -- as she tried to cook up her chicken dishes and the desserts. I couldn't help wondering why the hell she was on soufflé duty after having served up the worst soufflé G-Ram had ever tasted? Oh that's right. Because Michael and Ralph are IDIOTS. Well, after slipping and sliding and knocking over a few plates, Jessica finally committed the "cardinal sin" (according to the narrator) of Hell's Kitchen. Oh no...she murdered someone! How awful! Oh, wait, never mind. Apparently murder wasn't the cardinal sin. But asking Gordon for help was, and that's exactly what Jessica did. "For god's sake!" replied Gordon angrily, adding, "What the hell do I look like? A CHEF???"

As the night wound down, the most popular dish was Ralph's filet mignon, with Jessica's coming in second, and Michael's third. Plus, for once it actually appeared as though Gordon would not have to SHUT IT DOWN. Ralph and Michael finally came to Jessica's aid and helped push out some last desserts (which resulted in a kiss on the cheek for JP from some drunk, horny, older woman), and for the first time ever, Hell's Kitchen completed a whole kitchen service. Congratu-fluck-ulations. Now you're almost as competent as Applebees.

Well, having reached this seminal point, Gordon rallied the troops for a little pep talk: "Well done! Bloody well done!" Tina Turner then busted through the wall, singing "You're simply the best! Better than all the rest!" Actually, that didn't happen, but the three aspiring restauranteurs departed for half an hour and then returned to the kitchen where the narrator announced, "With only two hours of sleep in nearly two days, the final three is about to become the final two." Really??? There's an elimination? Oh. My. God. Why didn't anyone ever tell me this??

Actually, this elimination was different from all the rest. First, Gordon was all smiles and giddy. He was just so darned proud of his underlings. Second, there was an audience. That's right, Gordon invited out all the families. Michael's wife and in-laws came out and yada yada yada, everyone hugged and teared up. Next, Gordon announced that Jessica's mother, sister, and girlfriend Courtney were there. Wait, wait. Jessica has a girlfriend? You mean, she's a lesbian? Whoa, I just have no gaydar. Anyway, Jessica's girlfriend came out and, you know, she was really old and dowdy. Oh wait, that was Jessica's mom. Never mind.

Last up was Ralph's family which featured Big Buffy, Momma Ralph, and Uncle Richard. With a friendly smile on his face, Gordon greeted the guests warmly (WTF??) and then announced that they'd be ranking which dishes they had liked the most. Buffy, meanwhile, took this time to sign out "I love you" in her secret BuffySign language. She then spat up more chicken onto her bib.

Hey Buffy, how do you sign "SHUT THE HELL UP!"?

Posted by B-side on July 26, 2005 6:22 PM