Too Many Cooks in the Kitchen - 
by B-side
Tonight was the season finale of Hell's Kitchen, and we not only learned who won himself a brand new restaurant, but I finally had the answer to a question that had been plaguing me for months: would I be on TV? Yes, it's the TVgasm twist of the summer. I was a diner on the season finale of Hell's Kitchen (and no, I was not on TV). Don't worry, Fox, I won't give away any production secrets -- mainly because there really were none. What you saw was pretty much what we got. But enough about me. There's still two hours of risotto-covered drama to discuss (not to mention the oh-so-satisfying role TVgasm unwittingly played in the finale).
I knew tonight's episode would be dramatic because, well, the narrator said so. "And now the dramatic conclusion of Hell's Kitchen!" he announced with typical bombast. Dramatic indeed! What twists and turns would befall our fledgling chefs? Would Ralph's boner ever go flaccid? Would Michael's alter ego ever stab a waitress? And most importantly, would I be on TV? Alas, I already told you the outcome of that last one, but hey, I'm trying to take y'all back to that exciting moment before we pushed off and sped down the toboggan course that is Hell's Kitchen.
Anyway, we picked up just after Jessica's teary-eyed departure, and as Michael and Ralph glowed in their victory, Gordon told them to share the moment with their families. You know what that means: more Buffy! That's right. Ralph's fiancé was back, but amazingly, she did not find an errant piece of chicken to regurgitate onto his shoulder. Gordon, meanwhile, looked on like a happy Mother Hen while his two protégés shared quality time with the fam. And then, as quickly as they had arrived, the loved ones were whisked away into oblivion, not to be seen again until after the whole competition was over and done. For now, it was back to the grind. "Who knows what tomorrow brings," noted Michael. "We might be skydiving without parachutes." Probably not, but such activities are always welcomed.
Later, Michael and Ralph sat around their prison yard and reminisced about the entire experience. "It's been hell," said Michael. Well, yeah. It is HELL's Kitchen. Anyway, the phone inside rang, and Ralph picked up with a sophisticated "Bon soir!" Of course, had he actually spoken French, he might have known that "bon soir" means "good evening," a highly inappropriate thing to say IN THE MORNING. Nevertheless, Gordon met with the two finalists (hence, the phone call) and started his meeting with a little praise. "Bloody well done!" he lauded. Man, he's been so happy lately. Has Mrs. Ramsey been learning some new moves in the sack? I mean, he's been all cuddles and kittens. Will "Bloody well done!" be the new "SHUT IT DOWN" (with reverse, sideways Trump cobra for emphasis)? I guess we'll find out next season.
Anyway, Gordon had Ralph and Michael stand up in the dining room and then announced, "This is your final test!" A curtain then fell from the rafters and landed between them. So the final test is to avoid a curtain? Man, this show really got lame. Oh wait, I spoke too soon! Turns out the dining room was going to be split up into two different restaurants. Each finalist would have to design the decor, write a menu, and control a kitchen. I must admit, this was a pretty solid final challenge, if only to see Ralph give another stab at creativity. Sure enough, his meeting with the interior designer had him requesting characters on the wall, whatever that meant. "I think the customers are gonna enjoy the room that we're gonna design for them," he noted. Well, I can say that as a Ralph patron (hey, I'm from New York originally), the decor was pretty darn tacky. With its checkerboard wallpaper, billowing draperies, and gigantic mirrors, the restaurant was less Manhattan steakhouse, and more Hoboken Cheesecake Factory.
Has Ralph even BEEN to a four-star restaurant?Sadly, I never got to see Michael's decor in person, but he seemed to have the artistic idea down pat with his whole less-is-more, minimalist take. When it came to outfitting his staff, he insisted that the men and women wear slacks. This came as a massive disappointment to maitre d' Jean-Philippe who reasoned, "It's kind of sad to see them [women] walking around in unisex." Surely his lecherous intentions would be well-received by Ralph, to whom he asked: "Do you want the ladies to wear some, uh, black panties?" Apparently Ralph was designing a burlesque steakhouse. Probably would have been classier. Interior design ZING! Two extra points!
Anyway, the renovations seemed to go fairly well. There were a few hitches here and there (Ralph faced a wallpaper snafu that almost left his restaurant without the prized checker designs he desired oh-so-much), but overall, it was smooth sailing. Gordon was concerned about Ralph's uninspiring decor (see, I told you!!) and worried that Michael's restaurant might be too cold. But whatever. Who really cares. Let's get on with it.
Gordon eventually asked the chefs what their signature dishes would be. Ralph replied that his would be a "Bistecca Florentina" which was basically a porterhouse done "Italian style" (which is Ralph's way of saying "with white peaches on top"). Michael's offering was slightly more complex: short rib osso bucco with yams and some other good stuff. Unsurprisingly, Gordon felt like Ralph's needed more inspiration (Ralph with a lack of creativity? Now I've heard it all!), but instead of tasting the dishes, he told the guys that they were going to be taking their signature dishes to the streets. Ah, now this will be good. I do love me the old man-on-the-street reality challenge. It's a staple of The Apprentice.
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