This week's episode began with the soothing words of the narrator reminding us that this was, in fact, the continuation of Hell's Kitchen. Thank goodness for the dulcet tones of that dreamy narrator. Without him, I'd be completely lost in the saga of culinary exploration that is Hell's Kitchen. Now, in case your memory has faded since the last episode two weeks ago, here's a quick reminder of the main plot points. Okay, plot point, really. Basically, Sara pissed off all the girls when she lied in the kitchen and let Gordon pin the blame for her mistake on Virginia. This could only lead to one thing: bitch fight in Hell's Kitchen tonight!

Well, sort of. If Hell's Kitchen had been populated by the wunderkinder of Fresh Meat, then yes, fists certainly would have been flying. Instead, however, we have these meek chefs who simply settle for seething words to the camera. "Now I'm stuck with the bitch from hell," Virginia complained to us. Off in the corner, I'm sure the producers were giggling at the irony of mentioning "hell" on Hell's Kitchen.

We then saw Virginia confronting Sara about her duplicity, but instead of opting for the direct, "Bitch, you lied and let me take the blame!", she instead went a more passive-aggressive route, attempting some low-level guilt by saying, "I thought you were somebody different. I thought you were actually like a good person." And yes, that music you heard was me playing the violin by the television. Virginia then said that she and Sara couldn't be friends anymore (the tragedy!), to which Sara simply shrugged and said something twangy. I don't remember what. Probably something like "I work in a deli and look like a penguin!" Okay, maybe not that.

Later, we heard some general babbling from the other contestants. Rachel was still reeling from her terrible performance in the kitchen, and Keith was boasting about how he felt closer and closer to that grand prize in Vegas. It would all be his! Especially if the next competitions involved being dumb, having your pants fall down, and looking like you just took a dump.

The next morning, Chef Ramsay called the gang out to a table on which sat "what appears to be" (according to the narrator) a high quality buffet. Hmmm... trickery was in the air. What sneaky twist did Gordon have up his sleeve? Were all the dishes made from the meat of DONKEYS? Close. All the dishes were in fact fake. The fondue? Spray-on cheese. The paté? Crushed hot dogs (yummy!). And the caviar? Mock caviar from a cat fish. And then there were the kebobs (or "Kebaaabs" as Ramsay called them). The narrator told us quite sarcastically, "YEAH. Those are from a TV dinner." Wow, snarky narrator. I liked it. I wonder what brought it on. Maybe he didn't have breakfast that day. I just hope he keeps it up, saying things like "YEAH, whatevs" or "Pssh. Idiot" at random times.

Anyway, all the unsuspecting chefs dug into the spread, enjoying what they thought was a posh selection of hors d'oeuvres. Gordon happily polled the rubes on their thoughts, his smile surely masking a rage yearning to break out and yell, "It's all fake, you FUCKING DONKEYS!!!" However, he managed to keep his restrain himself, even when the alleged cooks offered up their naive comments. Regarding the fondue, Virginia called it, "nice and thick. Coats your mouth nicely. Sharp, creamy." Insert various semen jokes here. As for Keith, his favorite was the paté, but that was no surprise. Chances are he probably makes his own hot dog paté for breakfast.

Virginia then said she liked the caviar, noting that "the stuff I've eaten before tasted fish, stinky. This is just amazing." It sort of reminded me of this time a few years ago when I was at a party, and my friend poured herself a cup of beer from the keg, tasted it, and then said, "This beer is wonderful! What is it?" It was Bud Light. Laughter was had all around. To be fair, the human brain can be tricked very easily when faced with deceiving visual stimuli. If I weren't six years removed from that psychology class I took in college, I could expound more, but I've forgotten all the basics. I'm sure one of you psych-fans out there can pontificate about this much better than I can.

Well, after the kids had sufficiently made fools of themselves, Gordon finally dropped the bomb that everything, including the kebaaab, was fake. This truly upset Virginia, who sadly told us, "I was taking it seriously, and then he's like 'Hahaha.'" Oh the cruelty! Fair Virginia has been bamboozled with promises of gourmet sampling!

Less affected by the ruse was the rotund Keith, who defended his faux-paté love by saying, "The paté tasted good. It was made out of hot dogs. Hot dogs are slammin'!" Actually, more like you've been slamming the hot dogs (he's fat. Get it?) But seriously, who says that hot dogs are slammin' -- aside from morbidly obese idiots? I'd hate to hear what he has to say about Cheetohs or Slim Jims.

Posted by B-side on July 11, 2006 11:30 PM