When I saw the list of people who were set to perform, I started to wonder which group had a better chance of packing on the most weight. If I was at a sports book, I would have put a lot of money on a number of the contestants, and The Knack was surely one of them. So I was terribly upset when they came out and not a one of them looked obese. In fact, they all looked almost exactly the same as they did when their hit "My Sharona" came out. Were we in store for some performances that could border on the palatable? Why am I even watching? Well, because no matter how good they sound, there is bound to be something funny happening soon. I wasn't disappointed when, after about 30 seconds of playing, the lead singer from the Knack started making some really crazy faces. I think this guy moonlights as Dustin Hoffman/Martin Short love child impersonator:

After The Knack, we got to listen to Haddaway and "What is Love," which most people my age never listened to until it was made popular on Saturday Night Live with the Roxy Nightclub guys and their head bobbing. If there is anybody who I expected to be fat after a dozen years out of the limelight, it would be a black club queen who plays a lot of golf, but Haddaway once again let me down, as it looked like he might have actually lost weight since we last saw him. I am not sure where they get this crowd, as it always seems like they are half-coerced into being there. Most of the people there are too young to remember anybody performing, but must have been told if they mouth the words they get on camera. In any event, nobody in the crowd appeared to be doing the SNL head bob during this song, which was too bad.

One thing I did like about Haddaway was this one dancer. I was surprised when I saw her because she actually had an ass to speak of, and on a white girl too! I was thinking "Damn, that must be jelly because jam don't shake like that!" She must be new to Hollywood. Poor girl will weigh 98 pounds in two weeks. And speaking of weight, why did they have that skinny girl doing the background vocals? Even with the mike, she could barely pull off any of the notes. If there was anybody I thought would have a huge black woman ex-gospel singer backing him up, it was Haddaway. Come on!

But let's get on to the next band, Tommy Tutone, known for their great hit "867-5309." I think the song (or at least the video) is a warning about the danger of soliciting sexual favors from bathroom stalls, but who knows. Once again, THE BAND IS NOT FAT. Where the hell do they get these people? If they recruited last week's participants from the In and Out, they recruited this week's contestants from Crunch or something. I sort of liked Tommy Tutone, and at least the band members looked like they were stuck in the past. Did you notice the lead guitarist? Hey jab, Billy Connolly called from 1987, he wants his hair back!

Next up was The Motels, and finally, here was somebody who gained some weight. The lead singer Martha Davis packed on some pounds, but I really couldn't get the snark going too much. It's not like she was fat, she just aged, like normal people age. A few things moved south, but she seemed to be OK with it. And she could still jam on that guitar. Good for you Martha, that Joyce DeWitt-meets-Linda Ronstadt look is really working for you.

Finally, we get to the highlight of the evening, Vanilla Ice. Ice's transformation from white boy rapper to some sort of low-rent Dallas version of Kid Rock is well documented. I was surprised to see him perform, because he previously mentioned that he wanted to distance himself as much as possible from that song and move on. What could have changed his mind? Oh, he has an upcoming album to release? That explains it all. Ice worked the crowd pretty well, but I have to admit, the best part of the performance was watching his sidekick do all of these crazy break dance moves in the background, many of them looking like they really hurt. I also enjoyed the way our stupid British host called him "Vaniller" Ice every single time. God, I hate this host, it's such a waste of a British accent. Luckily, I think there are some episodes of Creature Comforts on the Tivo that will keep me entertained when I'm hankering for some good cockney accents.

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Posted by J-Unit on June 10, 2005 2:05 AM