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Let the Music Play? Thankfully, Not Anymore. - TVgasm

by J-Unit

hitme_shannon

So, the first season of Hit Me Baby One More Time is now in the history books. NBC had a surprise hit on their hands and tried to milk two more episodes out of the piles of has-been musicians that line the streets of Los Angeles. Unfortunately, these last two weeks were not very stellar. I had originally stated that I wanted to watch this show so I could revel in the depths of disgrace that these former stars are now accustomed to, but even my sadism has its limits. This week, the artists barely elicited a response from the audience, but we did have enough material to muster up a recap.

juice1
Juice Newton first sang Queen of Hearts. She's not fat, and dare I say that she is actually a MILF.
I love this song and turn up the stereo whenever it comes on during Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas

obsession_face1obsession_face2
Animotion came on to sing Obsession, another of my favorite songs that is featured in Grand Theft Auto: Vice City
I thought the audience would like this more, but the strange faces the singers made seemed to turn them off. Did somebody in the front row have some beef schwerma at Zankou beforehand?

dancerbutt1dancerbutt2
Shannon came out and I was about to turn the TV off, but what is that!? My favorite dancer returns and she brings that apple bottom with her! Hey, maybe I'll stick through this thing after all.

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I spent nearly fifteen minutes looking at this painting wondering if the singer from Animotion actually owned those F-16 earrings or if they were just painted in for this portrait.

missing_persons
Missing Persons was the final act, singing a rendition of Kylie Minogue's "Can't Get You Out of My Head"
Years of throat trauma(either smoking or gang bangs - I'm not sure) made this the worst cover ever peformed....ever. No really, it was that bad.

pm_dawn
PM Dawn won, likely because they guy on the left has diabetes and couldn't even walk to the chair on the stage without help. They gave their $20,000 in winnings to the Juvenile Diabetes Association, which was about 25 years to late for this guy.

I wanted to say more about this episode and try to be funnier, but it was literally painful to watch. Whatever they were paying the crowd wasn't nearly enough to get them to pretend that they were interested in any of the acts. To be honest, nobody was that exciting, the audio was horrible at times, and the covers of current hits were generally off key and an uninteresting. Maybe I like my video games too much, but I would have given the win to Juice Newton.

If NBC does this next year, I hope they give the acts plenty of time to practice and plenty of food to get fat. But if we never see this show make it back on the air (admittedly, not a horrible scenario), I will always be able to hold on to one lasting memory - an anonymous dancer with shapely ass. And that's a win for all of us.

dancer_smile


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Posted by J-Unit on July 4, 2005 12:36 AM

Comments

I thought Animotion got totally robbed. Best performers by far. The audience, as usual (Arrested Devlopment, Vanilla Ice) picks the band they recognize rather than the one who is entertining.

Posted by: Soriner | July 4, 2005 7:54 AM(#1 of 5)

You think the Minogue cover was the worst ever? Are you kidding me? Did you not hear PM Dawn's cover of 'Blurry'? Oh my lord, it was so bad it was embarrassing. Literally. I was actually embarrassed for the two brothers as they sang under, over, left and right of the proper key. And they won with it!! Ugh.

Not a bad series, though. The '80s nostalgia stuff works. (Heck, VH-1 became relevant with 'Behind the Music' and shows of its ilk.)

Posted by: flush it all away | July 4, 2005 6:59 PM(#2 of 5)

I admit, I have a greatest hits of Juice Newton. She can still sing. TOo old for my tastes, but can still sing.

Animotion was, um, odd. Astrid Plane(the female singer) always looked like a freak to me. I think she looked a lot better now.

Missing Persons(er, just 1 missing person) gave the most disappointing performance.

Dale Bozzio was overdressed(compared to her 80s days) and she acted like she had Parkinson's. her voice faltered as well.

Ah ha, so that was the derriered dancer from the Haadway performance I was hearing about.

Posted by: British | July 4, 2005 9:33 PM(#3 of 5)

That dancer looks like Mandy Moore, weirdly. Have to disagree with 'flush it all the way' above - I thought the Blurry cover was pretty decent. Granted, not super polished, but for me, the best moments of this show were when the acts did covers of the 'recent' hits and put a new, interesting spin on it, which is why I liked 'Blurry'. I am more impressed with the effort made to do something new than those that just did straight covers/songs that were in their genre (Shannon, for example).

ALso, that dude from Animotion hasn't lost a step - his voice was uber!

Posted by: zatanna | July 4, 2005 10:49 PM(#4 of 5)

I agree with "British" - it was only ONE "Missing Persons" member - WTF??? How can they call it "Missing Persons" when only 1 out of 4 people is there? I would've SO preferred to see the hunky Warren Cuccurullo up there - although I'm sure he's far ABOVE doing such a show. What a brilliant guitarist. And Dale...well Dale simply has issues!

Posted by: Christy | July 5, 2005 11:49 AM(#5 of 5)