Foreman diagnoses with old dude with a type of seizure, and he claims that acid reflux is his only chronic illness. Until he manages to get his daughter out of there, at which point he shows Foreman that his right testicle is twice as large as his left testicle. Well, that’s what Foreman tells us, anyway; we don’t get any visual proof. Thank god.

Testicular cancer is ruled out pretty quickly, but House, being dirtyminded, automatically thinks the patient has an STD, even though the test for those came back negative. The MRI shows what may be a brain problem, which also means he could have a different type of cancer.

Yeah, that was a lot of boring patient stuff. Wilson time! He’s buying chocolates, which one would think was a sweet gesture if one did not know that Wilson’s a serial cheater. House does know this about Wilson, though, and asks who the lady du jour is. This leads to a ration of shit from Wilson about normal human emotions, tokens of affection, etc., but I bet he’s been bad.

Off to the clinic, where a young guy rather forcefully requests Depo-Provera. Hmm, birth control might not be the best thing for a guy, and House assures him that his chances of getting pregnant are pretty slim, especially “at your age.” The guy insists that he needs it because he’s about one soulful “moo” away from fucking a cow. No really, a cow. House thinks the guy is just doing this as a joke, and writes him a fake prescription he can show all his friends.

Back upstairs, Foreman is telling Henry that he probably has an STD. And he’s saying this in front of Henry’s daughter, which seems like some sort of violation of privacy. Henry insists that he hasn’t had sex since his divorce a year ago. House figures Henry is lying, since money and sex are “the two things we get stupid for.” Amen, brother!

Sure enough, Henry pages the doctors as soon as his daughter leaves. Henry admits to House that he slept with his ex-wife in a moment of weakness, after a cheese party. Cheese’ll do it every time. Henry thinks sometimes being stupid pays off, but on the other hand, if you stay smart “your testicles won’t explode.” This gets a little smirk from House – aw, House actually kind of likes a patient. This may be a first! He even covers for Henry when his daughter comes in and asks how this happens. Unfortunately, Henry starts coughing blood before the conversation can get more involved.

So now Henry’s mystery disease is something that affects the testicles, heart, and lungs. Hmmm…House is off on a totally different tangent now, and suspects the cheese from the cheese party. See! Cheese will get you when you least expect it. He feeds Henry some boring American cheese that he added bacteria to, and sure enough it tastes just like Henry’s devil cheese. As House explains how Henry got sick from the bacteria, we get lots of cool CGI pictures of little bacteria men exploding. Neat!

Wilson and House take a break and play some foosball. House only wants to talk about the mounting proof that Wilson’s having an affair – he’s wearing two different socks and spending lots of time at work, which means he’s avoiding his wife. Actual life and death issues arise, however, when Henry goes into cardiac arrest. Which means that Henry’s only problem now is a bum ticker, so House tries to get him a heart transplant. For a 66-year-old? Yeah, not likely. Even House knows it’s a stretch, but he goes to the transplant committee anyway. And they vote no. So Foreman has to tell Henry he has a week to live. That’s a downer, so on to a little comic relief.

Back to the clinic where the…cow…boy is waiting to see House again. He says he was kicked while romancing Bossy Cow. But House is on to him. The boy doesn’t even have a name for his ladyfriend, much less a plan for their life together. Apparently, people who love animals do those things. So what is Cow Boy’s deal?

Cameron has been put in charge of finding out who died in the hospital today. She doesn’t seem to understand that House wants a heart that’s viable but kind of crappy, as it’s the only kind Henry’s going to get. They find a woman who’s on her deathbed from a car accident. She’s fat, so House might be able to get her heart.

House goes and finds her husband, pacing worriedly and played by Greg Grunberg, who I guess is finally branching out of the J.J. Abrams world. House put on his white coat…huh. He means business. House questions the husband about her medical history, and is interrupted by another hospital official, who tells Greg that his wife’s organs will “be treated with care and dignity.” Well. He didn’t even know she was dead. Damn, this woman should be fired.

Posted by Kat on March 25, 2006 4:48 PM