House Told Cuddy to Bend Over, and Then Some Other Things Happened - 
by Kat
OK, so he didn't technically tell her to bend over, but it's what he meant and what I choose to remember. Fantastic episode of House happening here, so I'll just get on with it.
In an airplane, DB Sweeney and a teenage girl are listening to jazz. Remember when he was so hot in The Cutting Edge? It turns out that she's his daughter but neither one knew it until a few days ago. And she's a Katrina victim. And she's having nutty, awful hallucinations - here, she thinks the plane is getting flooded from the cockpit. And it seems to have something to do with misfiring currents in her chest. Yikes, as if flying weren't already nerve-wracking.
On land in New Jersey, House is pacing his apartment in his pajamas, obviously in more pain the usual. He reaches a breaking point and climbs up the top of a bookshelf, unearthing a box of morphine. He prepares to shoot up, but luckily Cuddy calls and leaves a message that distracts him from the morphine - the girl is now House's patient. So what's the lesson here? For House, boredom is painful?
House arrives at the hospital and Cuddy hands him some other files to look at later, but more importantly, House actually knows DB Sweeney. Only here he's called Crandall. They knew each other way back when, and just so we know what's what, House pretends not to remember Crandall just so he can make a point about how gullible he is. Crandall writes books about jazz musicians, and Leona's grandfather was one of his subjects. And House emphatically does not believe that she's Crandall's daughter. He agrees to take the case. Ah, TV land, where issues like adequate health insurance can and will be blissfully ignored.
The doctors go over Leona's file and figure that Katrina has something to do with her illness, what with all the fungus and bacteria floating around there not long ago. House thinks she just has an irregular heartbeat. There's a weird bit where Cameron has to audition to land the role of getting Crandall's consent for procedures, and she doesn't land it (yeah, I dunno), so House talks to him about it. Crandall seems like a pretty bright guy on some level, as he worries about what could happen with too much electricity in her system. "Oh, who's been watching Bill Nye the Science Guy?" snarks House, which I love, because I was a regular on that show when I was a kid, and my favorite episode was the electricity one, where they used two cans of hair spray to make my hair stand up for a fun and zany static segment. Sigh. Climb on to Auntie Kat's lap and listen to her old war stories.
House tells Crandall that the test is totally safe, then gets annoyed that Crandall believed him and tells him it's incredibly dangerous. He demands a DNA test too, for good measure. Crandall won't do it, but does sign off on the electricity test. The test is all very science-y with wires and computers and stuff. She has a brief heart attack, and even after that House demands they keep testing. They find the bad muscle and freeze it, and House feels confident that her hallucinations went with it and everyone can skip off into the sunset now. But not before he tortures Cuddy a little first.
OK, first of all, Cuddy looks really hot. The files she gave him earlier were potential sperm donors, her top two choices, in fact. And you know what? House can give her a hard time all he wants (heh), but he obviously studied these quite closely for any hereditary health problems. However, he doesn't think she should go with someone she doesn't even know. She throws the entire stack at him and stalks out.
In Leona's room, a fellow patient is asking for some water. She gets up groggily and pulls aside the curtain, where a water-logged corpse is oozing all over the place. Oh, and it's Leona's mom, specifically. It's all a bit upsetting, as you can imagine. Since she's still hallucinating, whatever they did before was obviously a failure. When they gather to discuss, House is still pacing. The Outhouses are all supposed to be excellent doctors, but Cameron is the only one who realizes that House's leg is hurting more than normal. Women's intuition, I guess. Or just moony-eyed Cameron; you make the call, because I'm too bored of her to care.
House posits that Leona's hallucinations are caused by pain, due to an autoimmune disease. House straps her in for a PET scan, telling her it won't hurt. Because it won't. The PET scan, anyway. But then House starts sticking her with a pin, and then fucking BREAKS HER FINGER. Yeah, a teenage girl. She's crying, Crandall's upset, and House is haranguing her about scamming Crandall. The good news, I guess, is that she sees House's face melting off his skull, so at least his diagnosis was correct. This show is less realistic than Angel, y'all. House wouldn't lost his license before he even got it.
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