Clancy Gets An Anal Probe - 
by copygodd
Upstairs, the Outhouses are going over Elliott McBloodybutt's symptoms. Foreman can't help but point out that House is 0-for-1 since coming back. But good old Cameron tries to keep them focused on the task at hand: learning why the caged bird sings. Or, in this case, why the alien-abductee bleeds out his ass.
In her opinion, it's most probably sexual abuse; penetration causes the bleeding, trauma causes the fantasy. But what, dear Cameron, causes the child's incessant need to cuddle afterward? Foreman says the rape kit came back negative for "tearing, semen or pubic hairs." But as anyone who's seen Close Encounters can tell you, the Greys are a hairless race. Thus, a lack of pubic hairs does not let them off the hook. A lack of viscous green ET-juice, however, just might clear them. Might. Chase thinks they should just talk to the kid. Talk to the patient? Why didn't House think of that? Oh yeah, because he's House.
Instead, he calls Chase out: "You're a believer, aren't you?" Chase says he's not arrogant enough to think that "of the 50 billion galaxies, each with 100 billion stars per galaxy and 10 million billion planets in the universe that we're the only ones with life." Of course, he is arrogant enough to think that tie works with that jacket. House agrees that we're probably not the only intelligent beings in the universe, but points out that we're probably the only ones who "like shoving things through our back doors." Obviously, House is forgetting about the Joozians, producers of the hit intergalactic reality show, Earth.
Foreman says that there is new research indicating a link between neurological problems and bleeding disorders. Yeah, that's great, but what about the link between having an alien probe shoved up your pooper and bleeding disorders? House says Foreman's diagnosis is perfect, if only there were neurological problems present. "What part of hallucinating about an alien abduction isn't neurological?" Foreman asks him. Is that rhetorical? House says it wasn't a hallucination; the kid was just having a nightmare. A nightmare where he had a giant satellite dish sticking out of his butt. And Scott Baio gave him pinkeye.
"Nightmares aren't a symptom of anything except wanting to sleep with Mommy," House tells his team. Which leaves only the bloody tuckus, and that can easily be explained by a simple bleeding disorder. House orders up a bunch of bloody butt tests and leaves the room.
Chase explains the test to the boy and his family. Basically, he's going to make a tiny nick in the kid's forearm, then time how long it takes to stop bleeding. Seems straightforward enough. The only question the boy has, though, is if the room's windows are locked. Mom tells Clancy not to bother the nice doctor, but Chase says it's okay. The boy tells him the aliens put a chip in his neck to track him. And they put another thing between his two ribs that they use to check out his insides. His ribs? Dang, his dad must have one loooooong thingie.
Chase tries to humor Clancy, telling him he found the chip in his neck, and he's going to remove it for him. The parents look a little worried, until Chase winks at them. Ah, Chase is so nice. And stupid. The kid knows he's being played. "I'm seven, not three," he tells Chase. "You DONKEY!"
Later, Chase is telling House how detailed the boy's abduction fantasies are. Especially since he doesn't watch any sci-fi. "That's great," says House. "Did you do any of that medical stuff we talked about?" Ah, House, you rapscallion you...
Chase says the tests came back fine, which House interprets as Chase screwing up the tests. Of course, Chase denies it, so House says it must be a UFO: Unidentified Flowing Orifice. He tells Foreman to redo the test. Chase asks how could he screw up a simple bleed time test. Foreman's response? "Maybe you were abducted, and lost time."
When Foreman runs the test, the kid bleeds like a stuck pig. In fact, Foreman had to stop the bleeding himself after 25 minutes. Things are not looking good for young Doctor Chase, who insists that Foreman must have screwed up. "The big hand points to minutes," Foreman tells him. "Maybe you got 'em mixed up." House thinks that was a good one, and awards Foreman a rakish "ooh, snap!"
Next, he tells Chase that Foreman's playing the dozens, and that Chase is at a huge cultural disadvantage. You know, because Foreman's black and Chase is Australian. Undeterred, Chase throws out his own insult: "Hey Foreman, your momma's so fat, that when her beeper goes off, people thinks she's backing up." Huh. Guess House was right after all.
Whitest. Doctor. Ever.
When Chase goes to check on Clancy that night, he's gone. He runs to tell House that Clancy's gone missing, and House suggests they form a search party. Chase can take Alpha Centauri, Foreman can check on Tatooine, and Cameron can set up an intergalactic checkpoint. House needs to watch more sci-fi. Everyone knows that Tatooinians would never abduct an Earth child. Hey House, your momma's so stupid, she enlisted in the Empire because she heard they have the best Walkers in the galaxy! (Rimshot.)
When Chase does find Clancy, things aren't looking good. Seems he's decided to remove the implant by himself. With a scalpel. And the unsterile hands of a child. But when Chase is cleaning Clancy's wound, he finds a chip! Ruh roh!
The next day, an incredulous House tells the Housemates that the lab could not identify the metal. They said it might not even be terrestrial. Of course, House is just yanking Chase's chain. It's titanium. Like from a surgical pin. Like the kind the kid had inserted into his broken arm four years ago. Duh.
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