Clancy Gets An Anal Probe - 
by copygodd
Chase isn't buying it, though. Especially since the pin was removed six months after his arm healed. "So a piece broke off," says House. "Titanium is used to build nuclear subs," counters Chase. "Pieces don't just break off." Besides, how did the broken piece of titanium get from the boy's arm to his neck? Foreman says it probably just hitched a ride in Clancy's vein, making it sound like that kind of thing happens all the time. Chase says the chip would've gone to Clancy's lungs; not his neck. "Yeah, an alien chip makes more sense," House tells him, thus effectively ending the argument.
Turning around from the coffee pot, however, House's leg gives out, and he almost spills his drink. Oh no, spilled hospital coffee! He tells everyone he just tripped. But that's not the important thing. Clancy dug a hole in his neck and didn't bleed to death, which means Chase didn't screw up his bleed-time test after all. Yeah, that's way more important than spilled hospital coffee.
Foreman can't believe the kid clotted on his own. Come on, Foreman, it's not like he grew a third eye. He just clotted. I do that almost every time I take a crap. That would mean that first Clancy didn't have a bleeding disorder, then he did, and now he doesn't again. Cameron says that's unpossible. More likely, at least according to Chase, is that Foreman screwed up his test.
To figure it out, they need to bleed the kid again. Bring the leeches! The parents aren't too happy about it, but let them do the test anyway. Mom wants to know if maybe the problem could be psychological So what, Mom, you want maybe they should bleed his brain too?
The plot thickens...
Meanwhile, Cameron is off to do rounds down in the clinic. Nurse Ratchet says she heard the Artist formerly known as Gimp is back upstairs. Nurse Ratchet is funny. She tells Cameron that Cuddy wanted the file she has, but Cameron says Cuddy is busy, so she'll take it. And wouldn't you know it, the mystery file belongs to none other than Johnny Wheelchair, aka the crippled guy that House cured but nobody wants him to know he cured. Yeah, that guy.
Cameron can't believe he's up and sort-of moving around. He can't believe she doesn't know he's been sort-of cured. He tells her he wants to have sex with his wife, and he wants a big bucket of Viagra. Before Cameron can effectively kill his hard-on by explaining that his wife's cooter probably dried up after eight years of not having sex with his crippled ass, Cuddy enters the room. Cuddy, you have some 'splainin' to do!
Back in Cuddy's office, Cameron tells her it's completely unethical not to tell House he was right. Cuddy says they're not telling him because he needs to be less reckless with patients. "Well, you did it," Cameron tells her. "He's dismissing symptoms, looking for easy solutions, listening to me...." Okay, she didn't say that last part, but she does tell Cuddy that House is in pain again. That gets Cuddy's attention. The two women argue a bit about whether or not to tell him, with Cuddy finally agreeing to run a PET scan. If the ketamine isn't working anymore, he needs to know he's headed for a huge crash. If it is still working, then Cuddy and Wilson done fucked up and she'll tell House the truth. Fair enough.
Back in the room, Chase is talking with Clancy. The poor kid is worried that his parents think he's weird. Gee, I wonder where they'd get that idea? Clancy insists he's not weird, though; weird things just keep happening to him. You know, like undiagnosed rectal bleeding. Or hallucinations, like the one Clancy starts having when Chase begins drawing his blood. Better charge up the paddles...
After they save Clancy, House asks the Outhouses to please tell him the kid is actually a human-mutant hybrid. But Foreman trots out that same old bleeding disorder line. I'm beginning to think that's Foreman's answer to everything. He'd have made quite the Leechwife back in the day.
Chase and Foreman argue a bit about who screwed up what test, and then Cameron suggests that maybe Clancy was cheating. "I have no idea what you mean," House says, "but I can smell what the Rock was cooking." Then he tells Chase to drink a tall glass of shut up juice and delivers the People's Elbow to Foreman. Next, Cameron says something medical about the boy's heart that I don't feel like transcribing, but House thinks it has potential, and orders some more tests.
After getting the parent's consent, Chase tells them that Clancy is worried they think he's crazy. "Well, isn't he?" his mom asks, thus assuring her nomination for Meanest Mom EVER. Chase says there are plenty of explanations for what's going on, and it's important that Clancy knows his parents believe in him. Even if they don't. Clancy's parents suck. I hope the aliens give 'em both anal probes. Without the benefit of lube.
House tries to look at the test results on some piddly ass little Dell screen, only to complain that he needs a Hi-Def monitor. "Tissue characterization is impossible when the pixels are the size of Lego's," he says. Which is the exact argument I used to get my new monitor at work. Except instead of "tissue characterization" I said "cooter".
He and the Outhouses find a better monitor to watch the test results but ultimately House decides this one isn't big enough either. "Looks like we're going to need a bigger boat," he says, throwing out a random Jaws quote. So they head down to the lecture hall to watch it on the big, big screen. Finally, House is able to see that one part of the boy's heart isn't beating. That can't be good.
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