How To Eat Pooped Worms - 
by copygodd
Betcha thought I was going to say retards, didn't you? Suckers.
Tonight's episode starts off innocently enough, with a suburban father trying to teach his son to pick a bicycle from a group of flashcards. And even though Dad seems like a nice guy, I already know he's going to be a dick because an agency where I used to work used the actor, Geoffrey Blake, on a bank campaign several years ago. I'm not saying Mr. Blake is a dick; he just plays one on TV. And oy, that voice! I wasn't even looking at the television and it still cut through my peyote-induced haze.
But enough about me. Adam, his son, doesn't want to show his Dad a bicycle. In fact, he seems much more content simply rocking back and forth in his chair. Odds that Adam's a 'tard? Currently 5-2. Of course, the fact that the producers are using the patented 'tard-cam to show us Adam's point-of-view kind of gives it away. Next, Dad asks Adam to show him what he wants for lunch. Instead of picking a card, though, Adam draws a squiggly line on his chalkboard. Great. The 'tard wants eel.
During lunch, Adam decides he wants more juice. Only instead of pointing to the juice card, Adam just bangs his glass on the table. Unfortunately, Dad won't give him any unless he says the magic words: Meka Leka Hi Meka Hiney Ho. Good luck with that. Before Dad can belittle him any further, however, Adam starts to choke. His Dad says it's impossible, though, because Adam's eating mac and cheese. What, mac and cheese has magical non-choking properties? If I'd known that, I'd've had my old college girlfriend eat some every Friday night.
After the opening credits, we learn that Adam isn't retarded; he's just autistic. I love the way Foreman says it, too: "Autistic. Severely autistic." Like he's a very special James Bond. While Foreman is going over the boy's symptoms, House is all distracted by something. He says the parents are convinced that there's something wrong with their son, and then leaves the office and heads to the elevator. Cameron wants to know why they're listening to parents. Because she hasn't listened to hers for almost three weeks now, when her Mom told her to grow some bangs. And just look at how that turned out.
House tells the Outhouses that both Mom and Dad quit their jobs when Adam was diagnosed with autism. They've heard him scream a million times, and this time it was different. In fact, in ten years of caring for him, this is the first time they've ever brought him to a hospital. Not counting, of course, the franks and beans incident of '01. Because technically they just went to an UrgentCare that time.
House wants to run a bunch of tests on the kid, starting with his stool. "Just because he screamed?" asks an incredulous Cameron. Hell, she screamed that time she did the nasty with Chase, and nobody checked her stool. Well, except for Chase.
Foreman is smellin' what Cameron's cooking, though, and tells House he had a date last night that screamed too. "Should we spend $100,000 testing her?" he asks. "Of course not," House says. "This isn't a veterinary hospital. Zing!" Yay, funny House is back!
"I yam what I yam."
After leaving the Outhouses to run some tests, House heads over to Cuddy's office and demands his old carpet back. So that's why he was acting so hinky in his office. Cuddy got rid of it because it was stained with blood. House's blood. Which is why he wants it back. The carpet is part of him now. Jeez, I hope that doesn't mean he has a collection of crunchy condoms in his apartment. Cuddy explains to House that it's the exact same carpet, except without the biological hazardous waste, i.e.: his blood. House, however, says he won't return to his office until every "patented durable microfiber has been restored to its rightful place." And stuff.
No dice, though. Cuddy tells him if he doesn't want to work in his office, then he can work in the clinic. If he doesn't want to work in the clinic, he can go home. Without pay. "Attica! Attica! Attica!" House starts yelling, pounding his cane on the floor. All to no avail. Primarily because Cuddy doesn't get the reference.
Next, we get to see Adam playing with his PSP. Hey, I don't have a PSP. Maybe I should get me the autism. Don't you love how old people always add a "The" before the name of any disease? "He's got the cancer." Or, "She's got the AIDS." Or my favorite, "copygodd's got a bad case of the DT's." I miss my grandma.
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