This week's episode starts off with two firefighters carrying a big piece of wood around. I'm not sure what exactly is going on, but it does give me an excuse to write "big piece of wood." The one firefighter (let's call him the "unfunny" one) is trying to tell a joke. The joke isn't really all that funny (hence the unfunny moniker), but it's still better than 90% of what we saw on Last Comic Standing this summer. I bet if Josh Blue had told it, though, people would have laughed. Because everyone loves laughing at cripples. And by everyone, of course, I mean me.

Anyway, right as the unfunny one delivers the punch line, another giant piece of wood falls from the sky and almost lands on him. Two chances to write "giant piece of wood" in the first few minutes? I can already tell this is going to be a good episode. The camera pans to another group of firefighters standing a few stories up, looking through a giant hole they just cut in the wall of the building.

Upstairs, the firefighters gather around a ginormous fat dead guy. That explains the hole they just cut in the wall. Although it doesn't explain how they plan on getting him down. Hell, it doesn't even explain how they plan on getting him out of the bed. When they try to lift him, someone in the room lets a loud fart. Each of them does the "he who smelt it dealt it" blame game, when it finally occurs to them that maybe it was the dead guy. But corpses don't fart, do they? Because according to Corpse Bride, they only queef.

One of the firefighters tells the others it must've been the dead guy who farted. After all, dead bodies are full of all kinds of gases. Another firefighter points out that a dead body can't have a tight sphincter, though. And you need a tight sphincter to fart. So it couldn't have been the dead guy. The first firefighter insists that a loose sphincter is necessary to fart. Jebus, what kind of porn are these guys watching?

Finally, the guy in charge sticks his hand in the fat guy's pants and tells everyone he's still alive. I don't even want to know what he's basing that on. Still, once they find out the patient is alive, they stop picking on him for being fat and start picking on him for his gassy ass.

At the hospital, Cuddy and the Outhouses and trying to figure out what's wrong with the patient. Cuddy? Where's House? That's just what Cuddy wants to know too. He's late, and it's not like him to be late. Especially since she just implemented a new "No Late" policy. Because House is all about obeying the rules.

Even though the hospital scale only goes up to 350 pounds, Cuddy takes a guess that the guy is over 600 pounds, based in part on his seven foot waist. Chase says the guy is obviously diabetic and must have blood thicker than pancake batter, so there's nothing they can do for him. Except tap him for syrup in the fall. But Cuddy says all his tests are normal. His cholesterol's even lower than hers. Even more perplexing, however, is that it's almost eleven and House still isn't in.

So just where is he?

In jail. It's the morning after House's arrest for speeding, possession and driving under the influence. Although the cop (DMo) was really just getting back at House for leaving a rectal thermometer in his pooper for a couple of hours. House is stuck in a cell with a guy who keeps sings "She's Having My Baby" over and over again. This is just how I imagine sg-dub's bachelor party ended. I know DMo is trying to teach House a lesson, but couldn't he have just waterboarded him instead? This is just inhumane.

House starts yelling for Gomer Pyle to come let him out. Instead, it's DMo who answers the call. He comes in to talk with House, who is still unrepentant for his sphincteral indiscretions. House tells DMo to either arraign him or let him go. Or, at the very least, could he let House put a rectal thermometer in his cellmate?

Wilson pays House's $15,000 bail and asks what happened. When House won't tell Wilson what's going on, Wilson recites the list of charges. Guess he wanted to see where his money was going after all. House blows the whole thing off as DMo's vendetta. And immediately starts taking more pills. I know he's in pain and needs the drugs, but considering a maniac cop is out to get him, you'd think he'd at least wait until they got out of the police parking lot before he starts up with the Vicodin. Hell, even Rush Limbaugh could last longer than that. Actually, I heard Rush just had someone give him an Oxycontin suppository in his cell.

|  1  |  2  |  3  |  4  Next Page... ( Comments ) | Discuss In Our Forums

Posted by copygodd on November 9, 2006 9:57 AM