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The Outhouses are forging ahead on their own, but without House they're kind of floundering around. Doesn't stop them from picking on each other as if they were House though. Foreman says the way the big guy's been popping pills lately, he wouldn't be surprised to find out House was in a coma himself. And just then House hobbles in. So much for the coma idea.

He won't tell the Housemates what happened, but he says he knows about the case because he could hear them talking through the wall in Wilson's office. Which means they need to stop talking about how pathetic Wilson is. Or at least start talking more softly. House orders them to start treating Jabba for Pickwickian syndrome, which we all know is the combination of severe obesity and obstructive sleep apnea, which causes hypoxia and hypercapnia and results in marked daytime somnolence. Or, as House says, "his 96 double ZZs are putting pressure on his chest and suffocating him." Foreman says his CO2 and oxygen levels are normal, however. "For you and me," House says. "But what's normal for a hippopotamus?"

House wants a medical history from the patient. Cameron asks who they should get it from: he was brought in alone. And Chase doubts a guy who weighs 600 pounds ever bothered with annual physicals. Let alone searching under his folds for stray bits of ham. "Talk to the neighbors, search the house," House tells them. "Let's see what else Shamu has been up to besides eating." And then he says the conversation is over because he's officially run out of clever things to call the guy.

Chase and Foreman are having trouble hooking the patient up to the various monitors House wants him hooked to. Chase starts getting all uppity about how people shouldn't be allowed get so fat and still expect to be treated. Finally, Foreman asks if Chase got beat up by a gang of fat kids in grade school. Or maybe he just had to sit through Divine's appearance on Inside the Actor's Studio one too many times.

Cameron, meanwhile, is searching the patient's apartment. She's let in by a neighbor, who tells Cameron the only thing she really knows about George (the patient) is that he doesn't seem to have any friends, and he loves to cook. Four-course gourmet meals almost every night, and sometimes for lunch. But what about breakfast? It is the most important meal of the day. Oh, and he also has a string of girls coming in on a regular basis. "Young, attractive, never the same one twice, if you know what I mean," she says. "There can't be many women who'd want to be with a guy like him." That's right, our gourmand has a taste for the whore. Or sorority girls. Same dif.

Back at the clinic, House is listening to some idiot talk about his arm pain. Seems it hurts when he sleeps on it. First House recommends not sleeping on it, but when the patient balks at that, House suggests amputation. At that, the patient calls House crazy and runs out of the room. And just who is standing outside the room? DMo.

But why exactly is DMo there? He was just bringing Cuddy up to speed. It's fun watching House and DMo glower at each other as each ingests their drug of choice. House says the way DMo's going at his nicotine gum, it's obviously not having the desired effect. DMo's an addict. And he'll be back at the butts within a month. Think House was talking about cigarettes or rectal thermometers? Doesn't matter, as DMo isn't intimidated by House in the least: "I think working around a bunch of nurses has given you a false sense of your ability to intimidate," he says. "Not to mention your ability to pee standing up."

Cameron and Foreman show up just as DMo is leaving. Curious, they ask who he is. "Apparently, Cuddy has widened her sperm donor search to include Neanderthals," House answers, inadvertently letting it slip that Cuddy is trying to get pregnant without the benefit of copulation. He tries covers it up, though, saying it was a joke, and quickly changes the subject, asking what they've learned about George. Foreman says all the tests were negative, but Isiah Washington called him a bitch. Cameron thinks that George and House have the same tastes in home furnishings and women. "Danish modern and Russian gymnasts?" asks House. "No, American Furniture Warehouse and whores," is Cameron's response. Not really. Everyone knows there aren't any American Furniture Warehouses on the East Coast. Although what they lack in cheap furniture they certainly make up for in cheap whores.

House tells them to give George an MRI. Can't. The table only holds 450 pounds. Then how about a CT? Nope, that table only holds 350 pounds. Since they can't treat George if they don't know what's wrong with him, Cameron decides to give George the MRI anyway. Of course, she has to lie to the other staff members about his weight. Seems they don't believe he only weighs 440 pounds. Cameron's response? "He's lying down." So that's why boobies always look different when girls lie on their backs.

Cuddy wakes up House from a nap in his office. Seems she's taken the liberty of contacting a lawyer for him. Housie don't need no lawyer, though. He's not a pain doctor, he's a pain patient. So as soon as Cuddy leaves, he wads up the name and tosses it at the trash. And he misses. Evidently this white man can't jump or shoot.

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Posted by copygodd on November 9, 2006 9:57 AM