Paris Hilton and Her Nice Long Hummer - 
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"No name has more cache than the name Hilton in high society." Or so "I Want To Be a Hilton's" annoying faux sophisticate narrator tells us during the show's intro. Now, "high society" is certainly different than you and me, but I'm fairly certain the name "Hilton" primarily conjures up visions of a certain doe-eyed dirty debutante in a night vision video, no matter how much money one has. But then again, when I hear "High Society" I immediately think about the porn magazine of that name - not boring old crackers with butlers and gaudy chandeliers. So what do I know?
Well, one thing I know is that on reality shows, people get eliminated. It seems that this comes as a shock to the contestants on the crop of shows this summer. After last week's first elimination, Team Madison is slow to grasp what's going on. Jackaay (whose name I can't help but think is missing an accent of some sort) waas shoocked thaat soomeone waas goone. Because, you know, that sort of thing never happens on reality shows at gatherings with names like "Elimination Time." Get over it...and anyway, did she even like that Alain guy who got booted last week? Does anyone? Anywhere?
Before anyone else could wallow too much, the teams were whisked away in a helicopter out to the Hamptons on Long Island. I was going to goof on Latricia for not knowing what the Hamptons were, but she's from California and besides, something told me she'd be committing other stupidities later on much more deserving of my wrath. Once on the Island, the rubes marveled at the mansions and made their way to a polo match. If reality TV has taught us anything, it's that the rich do so enjoy their polo. I believe this marks the 64th time a show has used this setting to make us mere football and basketball fans to feel worthless. Man...we suck. Sigh.
Just as I was feeling poor and uneducated, I was jolted from my self-pity. Polo ain't all that special! There, in the crowd, why... it's... it's The Diamond himself, Daaa-aaaaa-aaaa-aaaa-vid Leeeee-eee-eeee Roooooth! Hiiiiii-ii-yaaaa! (Take that, "Jackaay.") That's right, apparently the top two celebs enjoying the polo match that day were Russell Simmons (or, Russthel Thimmonsth as I like to call him) and five time Van Halen lead singer, David Lee Roth. I wouldn't have thought it possible, but yes, horses are capable of looking embarrassed.
I Want To Be a Gigolo Too
The afternoon of polo was as boring as you'd imagine. The southern boys resorted to gathering around piles of horsecrap and kicking it at each other. That's right, in a televised contest measuring civility, glamour, and etiquette, some of the boys decided that this was an acceptable activity. These guys are wacky!
Just a couple of guys, kicking the shit
After the horse(crap)play, Kathy Hilton gathered the troops to get them excited for the challenge. "My mother died from breast cancer a few years ago and..." Oh, bummer. This week's challenge would be for each team to run an estate sale and an auction to benefit the Sloan-Kettering Memorial Foundation, to help the less fortunate pay for health care. It's nice to see a show helping out those in need for once...rather than Gordon Ramsey trashing enough lobster risotto to feed the entire nation of Burundi for a week over on Hell's Kitchen. The teams, Madison and Park, would have a few minutes to grab as much Hilton swag as possible for their respective sales tents. Each team grabbed a ton of stuff including Kathy's antique armoire, Nicky's old purses, Rick's old golf clubs, signed copies of "A Night in Paris..."
Once time was up, each team assessed their items. Both were pleased with their chances, but Kathy noted Team Madison scored big with a very expensive watch and Paris' sweet sixteen dress - stains included. Showing the grace he has learned, plumber Johnny stepped forward and presented everyone with an epic crotch chop that would have made X-Pac proud. Take THAT Team Park, with your tiara and umbrellas. Boo YAH! The teams retreated to their respective tents to plan out their strategies. Team Park's Vanessa immediately took charge but ran into some dissenting opinion from Brenden. She felt that he was taking credit for something she dreamt up and began arguing for no apparent reason, ending the fracas with, "If he wants to play that ass, I can too." I don't know what that means either, but Paris hadn't arrived yet so I knew it wasn't what I wished it meant. Damn.
Each team firmed up their themes and priced their estate sale items. Jabe (who, if you don't watch the show, somehow looks like a "Jabe") was shooting for the moon with his pricing. A knit hat - $500. A set of three empty red silk boxes - $200. A coat rack - $300. Having your daughter accept a load of Rick Soloman's goo in her face in a widely distributed sex tape? Priceless. Speaking of the lovely and talented Miss Paris, she and her sister Nicky finally arrived via a huge stretch Humvee limousine to pick up the teams for a night out on the town. The show made a valiant effort to avoid the word "Hummer" being associated with Paris by calling it a "Humvee" twice... but as you read in the title, they failed in their attempts at misdirection. We here at TVgasm strive to give you the blow by blow as best we can. Sorry, I can't stop!
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