Paris Hilton and Her Nice Long Hummer - 
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Before hitting the club scene, each person had to change into some of the Hilton's clothes they were selling the next day. So instead of just selling "Nicky Hilton's dress," now they could add a few bucks with "Nicky Hilton's dress worn by reality TV star Crazy Ann shown on NBC!" Brilliant. Most everyone enjoyed the free clothing buffet - everyone except poor ol' Latricia. You see, Latricia is rather big boned. And big armed, legged, stomached, breasted, backed, and necked. It could be said that she's the first person not able to get into Paris' pants. (I've got a million of 'em!) Gap-toothed Irish lass Yvette emerged in a sequined Union Jack dress followed by... Ann in a sequined Union Jack dress. Apparently Yvette isn't too concerned about 500 years of Irish-English tension. For proud Irish Americans, seeing her wearing that dress was like seeing Mr. Rogers in a NAMBLA sweatshirt. At any rate, seeing those two women wearing those matching dresses made me think of two things: Stupid Ass Spice and Crazy Psycho Spice.
Meanwhile, poor ol' Laticia didn't change and stated she wouldn't be joining her team. She was upset that there were no clothes for her to change into, which was only exacerbated by Yvette's needling. The two got in a heated argument with Latricia standing pat. Just as the limo was about to leave, Kathy Hilton appeared in the tent and tried to convince Latricia to go. Paris and Nicky joined her and they all gave plaintive begging whines. I'm sure having 3 very attractive 100-pound women telling you that you're not fat and that you look beautiful really does the trick. Almost at the breaking point, Latricia complained about her appearance, saying she was disheveled from the day's work. "You look hot," chimed Paris, trying to restart that played-out catchphrase. "Yeah, cause I'm all sweaty," came the non-ironic reply. That cracked me up.
With Latricia on board, the gang made their way to some club to get their groove on with the Hilton sisters. Of note: The Hiltons can't dance. David Lee Roth can. The Hiltons like polo. David Lee Roth can't possibly. Theory: Someone screwed up the casting call. Johnny, the plumber from Queens, was all over the local girls getting numbers, copping feels, and grinding butts, which upset Yvette who had a small crush on the lothario. Oddly, the show then cut to a black and white bit of raw footage ("Cheaters" style) of Johnny and Yvette making out on the couch at their apartment. While deliciously purile, it seemed out of place.
One Night in Yvette
The next day's combination estate sale/auction brought with it a torrential downpour. This didn't dampen anyone's spirits, however, and the day's activities were about to begin without delay. On Team Park's side, they had adopted a fairly clever scheme of acting like the Hilton family while selling their goods. Team Madison opted for a "Luau for Life" theme which had them all outfitted with leis. You can guess which team Paris was rooting for. The estate sale progressed smoothly with both teams doing a decent job selling junk to rich people with too much money. Johnny sold a $3000 watch for $900, but then again, this was a glorified garage sale. I've sold $15 CD's for 50 cents and didn't bat an eyelash, so this wasn't so awful.
I can't, however, forgive Johnny for his attempts at auctioneering. The second leg of the day's festivities was the auction portion and Johnny had been elected as the emcee. Even after getting pointers from the pro, his "Here's a f*cking chair from Nicky Hilton's f*cking closet" attempt was pretty piss poor. He claimed that this was just an outgrowth of his "passion" and "excitement" but unfortunately it just came off as cro-magnon. Just before the auction was to start, Team Madison pulled a switcharoo and Ann took the reigns. Ann, the wackadoodle who has erupted into song at inopportune times for no discernable reason, would now be heading the auction. I was sure she'd be perfectly fine. Perfectly fine for me to eviscerate, that is! She immediately began sing/shouting "Happy Birthday" to some random guy right in his face. This chick needs help.
The auction began and Rashad from Team Park did a very good job selling the goods. Ann did a very good job scaring the living shit out of those in attendance. She grabbed the mic and launched into the worst huckster evangelist impression, ever. "Let's give it up for breast cancer!! Yeeaaaaahh!" She kept screaming banalities as she ran up and down the aisles. Children sought cover in mothers' bosoms. Husbands pulled wives tight. Asian Americans across the land buried their heads in shame. Jesus Christ, where do these people come from? The last item to be auctioned off was Paris' sweet sixteen dress. Showing their appreciation for the one of a kind designer dress, Team Madison paraded Yvette out wearing the dress. Smart, real smart. As Laticia noted, "that depreciated the value." And you know it's bad when Yvette wearing it is grosser than whatever Paris did in it back on that drunken night of her 16th birthday party.
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