If this is being a Hilton, I want to be a Motel 6 - 
by
I feel a bit weird writing this recap knowing that 99% of TVgasm's readers spent their Tuesday night watching one of the best Big Brother episodes ever. And that remaining 1%? If you were watching the Hilton show you scare me, quite frankly, because I'm not sure that you are mentally stable. At least I, as the resident rookie writer 'round these parts, have an excuse. Alas, while B-Side gets to describe the wondrous meltdowns of Eric, Maggie, and Ivette, I must report upon the ho-hum return of a completely forgettable cast of eliminated Hiltonites. Imagine the emotional rollercoaster of my Tuesday night - going from Big Brother to "I Want to be a Hilton." But I'm a pro and I endured...for YOU, dear readers.
Enough of my whining. This week's show simply had to be better than last week's debacle. Right? Right??!!
One little ongoing drama I missed last week due to the presidential preemption was the budding romance between JW and Jules. Yup, the Mississippi farmboy and the Long Island yenta have fallen for each other's reality-whoring ways - gee, sounds like a Hallmark Channel made-for-TV movie, doesn't it? Except for the fact that JW doesn't really seem to give a crap about Jules. At breakfast, the remaining 7 (Jules, JW, Jackaay, Niki, Brenden, Jaret, and Vanessa) learned that they would be having lunch at New York's famous Palm Restaurant. Upon leaving their hotel suite, they were accosted by starving New York actors with flashbulbs. Actually, they were supposed to be paparazzi and they were supposed to really freak out the Hiltonites. However, it looked like a "Saved by the Bell" soft-focus sequence with Lisa Turtle daydreaming about being a movie star someday. Yes, it was that poorly produced. The funniest part was that I think these 7 dolts (ok, Brenden and Vanessa seem kind of intelligent) were under the impression that those photographers were real and that they were just trying to get some good shots of these future reality TV superstars.
The gang arrived to greet a very bored-looking Kathy Hilton at the restaurant. Seriously, it was evident that she's totally had enough of this show and these people, and she obviously just wanted to get back to snorting caviar from hairless virgin boy's asses in Geneva or whatever it is the super rich do for fun these days. I thought to myself that she should just cut the final 7 in half at the end of this show to speed up the process. Nah, I couldn't be that fortunate... Kathy had her now-expected useless mystery lunch guests in tow - Celebrity photog Dave Allocca and scribe Jeffrey Slonim, "a great entertainment writer with top magazines all over the world." You know, those "top magazines" Google can't find doing a simple search on his name. Maybe he's covering that hot Bhutan gossip beat... "Dateline Thimphu, Lhengye Shungtsog was spotted taking Jigme Singye's yak for a drunken stroll through town. My spies noted that Shungtsog was bragging about his relationship with Indiana Jones..."
Jules, makeup is your friend.
The purpose of the photographer's and gossip guy's presence was to teach the young hopefuls how to best avoid the many media pitfalls that come with being a famously rich socialite. (*Cough*Paris Hilton*cough*) They mentioned what not to do in public (*Cough*Paris Hilton*cough*) and warned, "Do you want to be photographed hammered leaving a club (*Cough*Paris Hilton*cough*)?" Geeze guys, you're guests of Kathy Hilton! If you wanted to address Paris, you should have contacted her directly and not put her mother through the ringer like that! Thus far, the contestants (and/or the editors) have avoided the obvious questions about Paris. After some piss-poor attempt at humorous fake tabloid headlines involving the gang, loudmouth Jules finally broke the taboo. "Kathy, how do you handle all the stuff with Paris?"
OoooOOOoooOOOoh! Wow, despite the fact I can't stand her, Jules just became my favorite to go all the way! (Sorry about that picture of you a minute ago.) Yes, Kathy, what about your infamously drunken slut of a daughter who has appeared in a widely distributed sex video? How do you reconcile that fact with having a reality show in which you purport to be the doyenne of civility and grace? How can you stand there, week after week, supposedly teaching these youngsters how to handle themselves in the public eye with proper etiquette and style when your eldest daughter is whoring it up at every party from here to Bangkok while your second daughter has already been through a quickie marriage to some douchebag? Hmmmmmmmm? Do tell.
Kathy swallowed hard and explained that "Paris is a strong woman with a great positive attitude but sometimes she cries like a baby." OK, but that's not what I asked. What about the sex tape? "You know what," said Kathy, "Don't be so damn judgmental. Life goes on." Huh? Man, I'll be sure to remember that response when my illicit sex tape is leaked (Richard Simmons, you devil, you). Reminds me of my favorite moments on American Idol type shows after the JUDGES JUDGE a person to suck and the person says, without a trace of irony, "Whateva. Who are they to judge?" Love that. (You can really tell the show sucks when I go off on so many tangents.) After Kathy (sort of) faced the music, JW was moved to note how "inspirational" she is. Ah yes, JW...I am also inspired to be born rich, marry rich, and have rich slutty daughters. She truly is an inspiration to us all! Amen.
| 1 | 2 Next Page... ( Comments ) | Discuss In Our Forums