Quid Pro (Status) Quo - 
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My Tour of Hilton Recap Duty is nearly over as the socialite wannabes have been whittled down to the final four: Uber-wimp Jaret, PMS spokeswoman Vanessa, frumpy Jackaay, and the cryptically named JW. Actually, JW is from Mississippi, so perhaps that's the best his illiterate Mississippi parents could come up with. The four were enjoying their breakfast when Kathy Hilton appeared to discuss the day's challenge. Watching this show, I've learned that Kathy Hilton is so cool that her mere presence causes these kids to golf clap. They do it every week at the end of the show, but this week they greeted her with it at an impromptu breakfast appearance.
As commonplace as it's now become to dub in the reality host's yammering, Who Wants to be a Hilton seems to have taken it to new heights. Entire paragraphs are dubbed in - so much so that it sounds like a 15 year old's two-bit cable access show. In fact, as Kathy was explaining the challenge, I had to be do a double take to insure that she was actually present and not just appearing on a green screen or via a Princess Leia hologram projection thingamajig. It was that poorly produced.
Continue reading for more Star Wars references, after the jump...
The challenge this week was for two teams of two to compete against each other in creating a NY hotspot on a Monday night. They'd use different spaces within the same giant NYC club - Quo - but they'd have to solicit a variety of PR people, party planners, and party promoters. Whichever team got more people through their door would be declared the winners and the losing team would result in one person being sent home. I didn't know it at the time, but this challenge set up each Hilton-tice for some serious ridicule and embarrassment. The teams were Jaret/Vanessa (anagram: Vaj 'n ass eater) and Jackaay/JW (anagram: Ya Jackjaw) and with the challenge laid out, it was time get crackin'.
The four made there way over to Quo to meet the club's promoter, John Mosely. The show's editors must be really quite old and stuck in the 1970's, as the music accompanying their arrival to the club was straight up Meco Monardo's "Star Wars and Other Galactic Funk" disco. In the face of such dated music, Mosely pumped up the troops with, "I want this place pumpin' and vibin'." Jackaay's take on this was to make their club "Modelicious." But with all these slang phrases being bandied about, JW was still stumped on the club's name: "I don't know what 'Quo' means." Dude, it's a NYC club... Does it have to "mean" anything? I guess when you're used to "Jimbo's BBQ and Blues Shack," such interpretive names are truly vexing. Jackaay, however, was at least familiar with the phrase "status quo," so she named their party "Status at Quo." I've heard worse... Like Team Vaj 'n Ass Eater's "Lunes at Quo." Oh that Vanessa, she's so classy with her fancy Spanish learnin'.
Kathy armed each team with names and numbers of several socialites, party planners, and NY glitterati. I'm guessing that Kathy simply went online and printed off Paris' famous hacked blackberry contact list. This worked both ways - these whoring spoiled brats would get to appear on TV (albeit to a barely measurable audience) and look cool to, oh, I don't know...12 year olds in Wichita? In return, they had to sign a written promise (or, perhaps, "swear on a bible") to never divulge their personal stories of the coke-fueled sex orgies they've all had with Paris and Nicky Hilton. I think that's called "Something for something," i.e., "Quid Pro Quo." Hence, my title is like, doubly clever... Or something... Somehow. Jaret's first stop was to appear on air with early 90's MTV staple Ed Lova on his Power 105 radio show. (On the way there, it must be noted, the camera car drove right through a rather obvious red light in Manhattan. Hey, when you wanna be a Hilton, traffic laws mean nothing!) The strangest thing about the station visit was the narrator who droned, "For the few Manhattanites the Hiltons don't know, Kathy arranges a way to meet them as well." In other words, "Since the Hiltons don't associate with Manhattanites who are BLACK, Kathy arranged a paid-for advertisement with NICE BLACK GUY, Ed Lova." Am I wrong for interpreting the narrator that way?
Anyway, Jaret went on air (supposedly) and did his best dorky redneck white guy impression to entertain the urban Power 105 listeners. Oh... Wait... Jaret really is a dorky redneck white guy. My mistake. When Jaret twanged, "Sean Combs" like "Shawwwwn Cooooms," I'm sure that really did the trick. On the one hand, I have difficulty referring to a grown man as P. Diddy myself, but on the other hand, I'd at least have tried to speak to my audience a bit more. Later, at the same station, Jackaay took the opposite embarrassing tack and went into full-on wiggerbonics. An oafish white tomboy in platform flip flops and overalls over-enunciating phrases like, "It is going to be hype and fresh," is, well, totally lame. (It goes without saying that at the parties that night, there were no black people. I'm sure Kathy was relieved.)
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