Coming Soon: "One Night in Jaret" - 
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I won't apologize for exposing the 'I Want to be a Hilton' winner right off the bat in my title. If this has somehow upset you, I'd posit that it is YOU that is the problem, not my recap. I mean, it's not like I told you that [Edited Out] won Head of Household on Big Brother 6 last night or anything! Geez, what a surprise that was! Shocking! So now that you know Jaret was the big winner, I guess you'd like to know how he pulled it off. He is certainly one of the blandest and most empty-headed network reality show winners I've ever seen. Then again, since the Hilton show was one of the blandest and most empty-headed network reality shows I've ever seen, I suppose it makes sense. I guess we now finally know what that extra "a" in finalist Jackaay's name stood for: It's was her "A for Effort!" (Ba-dum-bump.)
Wow, four exclamation points in my opening paragraph... You'd think that this finale was somehow exciting. Unfortunately, you'd be wrong - very, very, wrong. Never before has the word "finale" sounded more like "finally" in my head as I watched. The episode began by reminding us that there were three remaining Hilton wannabes; Jaret, Jackaay, and Vanessa. We were shown quick vignettes of each explaining their hardscrabble pre-Hilton lives - a creepy pig-tailed Jackaay operating a front-end loader, Jaret smiling his gap-toothed smile in front of his trailer home, and Vanessa... Actually, Vanessa's bartending life really wasn't all that tough. After that, the show felt it necessary to go through a retrospective of all the prior episodes and all the important things the contestants learned. There was the original 14 meeting for the first time at Grand Central Station, there was Crazy Ann (who would surely be known as insANNity if she was on a more popular show) being crazy, and there was Jackaay hawking a loogie. Nice.
The season review was produced in such a maudlin and self-aggrandizing way, it was hard to stomach. In fact, for some reason, the whole tenor of this episode was sappier than the Peter Jennings tribute over on ABC. Anyway, each of the final 3 were asked to pick a place - any place - in New York City at which they would be having a heart-to-heart with Queen Kathy herself. Kind of like a job interview but where the object was to invoke as much pity from Kathy as possible. Up first was young Jaret, the trailer park denizen with slightly ambiguous sexuality.
Kathy, being the nuanced etiquette maven she is, refrained from rolling her eyes. Actually, she very well may have tried but the last eyelid lift she had prevents her from any such motion. I present here, an exclusive to TVgasm readers, Jaret's poem in its entirety:
I see the way you used to look at me so deeply,
I see the way me and you used to be,
So close your eyes and take my hand,
And try to understand,
You can read my mind,
You can feel my heart,
Just imagine, me and you together soon again,
I'll be waiting for you in heaven.
Apologies to Jaret if I screwed up his line breaks. Apologies to TVgasm readers for pretending I was offering you a treat of some sort. I'm not a (professional) writer or poet of any sort, but with a bit of editing, I think I've made his poem better:
I see the way you used to look at me on TV,
I see the way you liked to make fun of me,
So close your eyes and suck my balls,
And try to understand,
You can say I'm a pussy,
You can feel my ubiquity,
Just imagine, me and you together at some point,
I'll be waiting there to bore you to tears.
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