Last week's episode was punctuated by three, count em three, health problems by Tonya. She had conjunctivitis, a bruised cornea, and hives. She also had chlamydia and Herpes Simplex 9 but thankfully kept that on the DL. This week's show starts with Trishelle finding a love note from Tonya's ex boyfriend lying open on a dresser in the main bedroom. Now before I even describe this, let me just assure all of you that yes, I am fully aware Tonya left this out on purpose so someone could find it and read it, and then she could freak out about it all to create fun reality TV. The more I watch this show, the less I believe a second of it. But hey, go with the flow. So Trishelle reads the note out loud to everyone at the breakfast table, and it's your typical mushy letter. We get phrases like "Our love is deep and true" and how she "has his heart" (yet apparently the vagina is on a first-come first-serve basis). It's all pretty dull until they get to the P.S. That's where the dude gets all freaky-deaky and talks about how he wants to lick something that's pulsating and possibly have something inserted somewhere. I'm not sure as the bleeps were in overdrive. C'mon E!, it's expanded cable at 10 PM. If the censors don't have a problem with letting images of Tara Reid's deformed stomach get through, how much of a leap is it to have the words "pulsating nipples" slip by? Speaking of which, during the recital of the letter, we hear Jenna Lewis saying "you can't help picking on somebody that sets herself up as much as Tonya does." Oh thank you Jenna, I agree wholeheartedly. When someone just sets themselves up for ridicule, you can't blame people for mocking them. Ahem… PORN STAR!! SLUT!! HO BAG!! I even went online last night and looked at it, and you're a BAD porn star. It's like watching my aunt have sex. You kiss your kids with that mouth? Because after what I seen you put in it, maybe you need a little Listerine first. Yeah. I went there.
 
Later that morning, most of the cast goes out for the day for some fun. And by fun I mean the reality show summer 2005 cliché. Retarded people bowling. Sure, the cast isn't "technically" retarded, but that's just because they haven't been tested yet. Any person who thinks an Upper Decker is the "greatest prank in the history of pranks" is also the kind of person who needs to wear a helmet to keep from hurting himself. And if that doesn't convince you, Jonny is wearing knee socks. Case closed. Tonya has another one of her moments and refuses to join them and instead stays home. Which is probably a good thing since with her immune system, she'd probably get Typhoid or Lockjaw or something from the bowling shoes. Come to think of it, Lockjaw would be perfect, since it's not exactly an uncomfortable position for her. It soon becomes clear that Jonny and Tonya's "relationship," which consists of them occasionally screwing and her freaking out and being a psycho, is the main topic of conversation with everyone in the house. Since all this talk has brought out the "sad" Jonny Fairplay, Jenna takes it upon herself to try and give him some relationship advice. That's right; Jenna the porn star who married a 21-year-old model for 3 months is dishing out relationship advice. Color me skeptical. Don't get me wrong, if I ever needed advice on executing a good DP reverse cowgirl with a reach around on some chick, she's my go-to gal. It's just that when it comes to relationship advice, I'm not sure she's on solid footing there.
 
The next morning is Trishelle's first day of shooting. And she's optimistic. "I never thought that I would see myself doing a horror film," she says. You are not alone, Trishelle. You are not alone. It becomes apparent quite soon that Trishelle's acting ability is not all it's cracked up to be. And remember we're filming a crappy horror movie that not even the producers are taking seriously. A good example of this is when she does a scene where she needs to fire a gun, and when she pulls the trigger makes the "psh psh" noise of a gun going off as she's doing it. The interviews with both the director and producers that accompany this little moment are full of at least 3 different polite euphemisms for "her acting sucks ass." Things like "she's certainly got enthusiasm" or "she's having trouble staying in the moment." And on top of all this, we now learn she doesn't want to do a nude sex scene. When talking about her sex scene, she refers to it as having "relations with a guy."  Trishelle, the girl made famous 3 ways: banging celebrities, posing for Playboy, and going topless for Ron "The Hedgehog" Jeremy in the Surreal Life , calling sex "relations with a guy"? Hey, at least she didn't call it "making love."

Posted by on August 24, 2005 4:08 PM