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Cheers to Bad TV - TVgasm

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Of course removing the nudity from the equation would make it so all her scenes would play like the non-sex portions of a porn movie, with nothing to fast forward to. Why is she here again? I am then forced to remind myself that this is a reality show. Fake drama reigns supreme. What are the chances that Trishelle's newfound "non-nudity" position is a ploy for fake drama and screen time? Yup that's right, within 5 minutes she signs the contract, and it's time for her one saving grace: Trishelle's ta-ta's.  During the scene we hear the voice of "Bachelor Bob" Guiney (with whom she is sharing the scene) talk about how he wants to be respectful of Trishelle. This immediately sets my Gaydar tingling. In fact, he uses the term respectful in relation to Trishelle 4 times within the space of 10 seconds. That's gotta be a record.
 
Back in the Neverland Ranch that is the Cast House, Tonya's eternal fight for screen time continues with even more of the Jonny Fairplay issue. She's upset that he's told people that they are banging. She thinks that it should be a private thing between them. The entire time she's saying this she's wearing a shirt that says "If it swells, ride it." This doesn't help her case. I once tried to convince a girl I met in a bar that I wanted to really get to know her as a person and that we have a real connection, all the while wearing my "It ain't gonna suck itself" t-shirt. It had the same effect. Add in the fact that they just read a letter aloud about how much she loves to have something on her boyfriend pulsing, it's just not her finest hour.
 
Not one to be outdone, Jenna decides to get in the middle of it all. During a night of filming she walks up to Jonny and taps him on the shoulder hello. Actually, what she really did was walk up behind him and dry hump hello. It must be a porn star rule or something. The whole thing makes me wonder if her kids go to the same day care as Frances Bean. Oh to be a fly on the wall in that room. What follows next is yet another overblown fake series of confrontations and screaming fits. Jenna confronts Jonny, who is upset, so Jenna confronts Tonya, who tells her to check herself before she wrecks herself (figuratively speaking), then Tonya confronts Jonny and they both start the F-you screaming fits. It's all quite monotonous and extremely fake and contrived. At one point during this long 20 minute screaming fit, Tonya accuses him of saying something to her, which he denies saying, and she comes back with the response "I know verbatim what you said because I wrote it down." Let that sink in for a minute. Cold. Stone. Psycho. Then, as soon as the thing started, it's over again. Now they are both getting along and Jonny Fairplay is back to dazzling us once again with his "You might be a Redneck if.." style of humor by deciding to whack bags of potato chips with a wiffle bat, and then they go upstairs and have sex.

chips
  The next morning there's quite a stir in the house as it's "fan appreciation day," and no, I'm not being sarcastic.   The house is filled with a bunch of fans from an online reality chat room. Think of a TVgasm reader with all sense of sarcasm and irony sucked out of their body. Oh, and good looks too. We all know TVgasm fans are extremely good looking. Am I right? These "online fans" live up to their reputation as we see them setting up a slip-and-slide out back for the kids. However, they do it on a flat surface and the kids are reduced to crawling through the slip and slide. Thus taking both the slip and the slide out of the experience. Surprisingly Tonya and Jonny are great with the kids, and it's Trishelle who gets to play the diva, storming out with an attitude. You know, Peter Sellers was a dick too. But Peter Sellers was FUNNY.   Later that night Jonny and Trishelle go out to dinner together. "Dinner" meaning tequila shooters. Before you know it, Jonny pulls his "sad Jonny" routine and they are back at the house making out on the dining room table, before retiring to the upstairs bathroom. Ah Trishelle. Thy name is class personified. Once the rest of the cast comes home and see the mess they are pissed. Especially Jenna because she just got home from a "14 hour day" on the set, as if that is somehow supposed to elicit sympathy from us. It's not like she spent 14 hours filling potholes. They wander upstairs and end up catching the two of them "en flagrante," so to speak. For once, everyone, including me, is speechless.   The show ends with a preview of next week's episode where yet another girl Jonny has had sex with is entering the house. If you haven't believed that these people are insane up until know, the fact that so many of these chicks are willing to sleep with a painfully annoying and unfunny dirty pirate hooker like Jonny should settle the case once and for all. The dude is like a bad AXE body spray commercial come to life.
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Posted by on August 24, 2005 4:08 PM

Comments

Kill Reality is the Sream Play of this year at E, aka high octane dissapointment,
but at least there's Girls Next Door, totally worth a tivo...

Posted by: E! RXS | August 24, 2005 5:50 PM(#1 of 18)

I have to thank you for your hilarious recaps because I can not make myself sit through an entire episode. Jonny Fairplay is abhorrent to me and the fact that all of these girls sleep with him frightens me.

"I once tried to convince a girl I met in a bar that I wanted to really get to know her as a person and that we have a real connection, all the while wearing my 'It ain't gonna suck itself' t-shirt. It had the same effect." - LMAO - That's excellent!

Posted by: mountain girl | August 24, 2005 9:02 PM(#2 of 18)

These people are all so played out. Thanks for the recaps because this show is actually painful to watch. It should have never gotten made. The only thing that could save it now is if Tonya finally snaps for good and goes on a killing spree through the house. Now THAT is something I'd like to see!

Posted by: Stevo | August 25, 2005 1:03 AM(#3 of 18)

This will be the worst movie ever made, but it may be fun to see these reality whores get killed in various ways.

Jenna Lewis is the biggest hypocritical skank there is, she did a deliberate porn movie. How come no one mentions it on this show? I'm surprised Tonya did mouth off to her?

This show IS so contrived. Jonny Fairplay sucks, Bob Guiney is weird, Tonya, TreSlut, and Jenna are old filthy disgusting lying skanky worn out whores.

Posted by: katieshole | August 25, 2005 6:47 AM(#4 of 18)

Man I thought my recap was mean.

katieshole, will you marry me?

Posted by: EdHill | August 25, 2005 7:39 AM(#5 of 18)

Have I missed the part where (you) people realize this whole show IS the movie and there really isn't a horror movie?

Posted by: Scott | August 25, 2005 7:43 AM(#6 of 18)

This show is more addictive than crystal meth!!

Posted by: Bill Thompson | August 25, 2005 11:31 AM(#7 of 18)

Sure Edhill, I'll marry you.

Maybe Tonya, Jenna and TreSlut can be bridesmaids and spread unknown STDs to the ushers.

I believe that at the Center for Disease Control in Atlanta, there are photographs of these 3 most wanted women with BEWARE written across the top. Add Jennifer Lopez and Tara Reid to that whore list too!

Posted by: katieshole | August 25, 2005 11:54 AM(#8 of 18)

oh Katieshole, you had me at "lying skanky worn out whores".

It has to be a Scientology ceremony though. Thats non negotiable. And then our honeymoon night we'll film our porno and sell it at 3.99 a pop on our website. But ours will be classy, cuz were not trash.

Posted by: EdHill | August 25, 2005 1:12 PM(#9 of 18)

You kill me with that comment about the "it ain't gonna suck its self t-shirt", that was too funny. I haven't seen this episode yet, but I will watch the rerun this weekend. I have to see it for myself.

I can't believe I'm actually watching this show but I'm hooked now. I am also clueless as to why these women would sleep with johnny. It's gross to even think about.

Posted by: lovelynelle | August 25, 2005 1:47 PM(#10 of 18)

Am I invited to the wedding lol

Posted by: tv freak | August 25, 2005 4:30 PM(#11 of 18)

So is this movie going to be airing on E? Because the blur out all the bits, so really, it wouldn't matter if they get their tits out.

And I really do not understand the appeal of Johnny Fairplay. He reminds me of Don Ameche in the sense that he has a hairless old man's body. However, he tops that smelly body with the head of a lemur...but with worse hair. And I bet his peepee has sores on it. Just guessing...

Posted by: Tootie | August 26, 2005 9:10 AM(#12 of 18)

Can we come up with the running list of the guys that Trishelle has nailed...

Off the top of my head:

Steven Hill
Jonny Fairplay
Andy Dick

Who am I missing?

Posted by: Bill Thompson | August 26, 2005 2:21 PM(#13 of 18)

Steven is the most adorable thing ever. What is he doing slumming on this show with these nasty LSWOH? Get out now before your career's 3x dead!

Posted by: Steven, get off this show | August 26, 2005 5:43 PM(#14 of 18)

Scott, Ed made that point very clear in his last Kill Reality Recap. Plus - it's fairly obvious when the whole movie is such an afterthought to this show.

Posted by: TinkerbellAPixie | August 27, 2005 7:58 PM(#15 of 18)

Trashelle also screwed Mike (miz) the weirdo...

Posted by: not a trishelle fan | August 28, 2005 12:05 PM(#16 of 18)

EdHill - scientology? Ok, works for me. Wedding night video? Ok, but I will have to deny that I did it on purpose in the press. I have to keep my image clean, you know. I'd like Pat O'Brien to interview me, so I can ask him whatever happened with Betsy, and did he have a 3-way?

Just look in Los Angeles Telephone Book, and you can see the entire list of people that TreSlut has boinked.

KH

Posted by: katieshole | August 29, 2005 12:29 PM(#17 of 18)

EdHill, if you agree with KH, just say "yes".

Posted by: Dan B | August 29, 2005 1:32 PM(#18 of 18)