Actually, turns out Dave and Buster's was the name of a pool hall, and as this trio of superstars took a perch above the billiards, Kristin began her immediate appraisal of everyone around her. "You guys are such bitches," scoffed Alex. Tell us something we don't know. Yes, I just high-fived myself.

Meanwhile, at the poker party (where the dominant game was "Hold cards in your hand and just talk about boys"), Jason and his loyal hetero-lifemate Cedric decided to play a prank. One-upping last year's seminal bear scare, the guys decided to dress up as burglars and freak out the girls. Unfortunately, the two bumbling jokesters quickly set off the alarm, but Morgan simply told her parents that no one was outside. This of course prompted an inane roundtable discussion of home security, led by Ms. Casey who noted, "My house has SUCH a gnarly alarm system!" Like totally! Did it come in pink? That would be so awesome. In summation, Casey concluded this thoughtful discussion by asserting, "You guys, people are scary!" It's true though. This one time, I was watching this reality show and there was this girl with blonde hair and a pink jacket, and she kind of looked like a slutty Fraggle Rock character and-- oh, that's you, Casey.

Too soon?

Anyway, Jason and loverboy Cedric did a pretty solid job scaring up the girls as they smeared ketchup on the windows and made menacing, thumping noises. The girls immediately shrieked and ran around the house like alarmed gerbils, all the while alternately laughing and screaming. So either they knew it was all a joke but felt like screaming because they were stupid. Or they thought it was real but laughed anyway because they were stupid. Point being: they were stupid.

Okay, okay, maybe I'm being harsh (I'm not). Maybe they were just having some fun and playing along. Well, next thing we knew, Casey ran out of the house and declared, "We'll fight them. I know karate." It's good to know that the stupid Sarah Michelle Gellar character that always gets killed actually exists in real life. Anyway, an emboldened Casey ran into the yard and executed her lethal brand of karate, which, in this case, meant she just screamed. Eventually, Jason and Cedric revealed their true identities and the girls, especially Alex M., fake-pouted around the kitchen, saying things like "I'm mad at you!" before fluttering their eyes and giggling. Hey Gloria Steinem, have I got a show for you!

Over at Dave and Buster's, some guy desperate for camera time approached Kristin's harpy party and said, "You guys should come and play pool with us for a little bit." The girls shied away, most likely because the guy seemed to be about ten years older than them, but then Alex remembered her bet and awkwardly asked, "Can I get your number? Just randomly?" Well done, ROZ. This is why you've been on the show for two years and never been in the opening credits. Now go back to your corner!

Driving back from Dave and Buster's (or D&B's as the cool kids call it), somehow Kristin got over-excited in the car and wound up talking a million miles a second. This girl is a total spaz. Somebody in Laguna Beach must have a spare muzzle that we can borrow, yes? Just about the only thing that could shut up Kristin was the ongoing lamentations of Jessica, who in the backseat continued to kvetch about Jason and whether or not he was trustworthy. "He's always like 'Jess, like I'm not cheating on you. If you don't believe me, then fine. That's f*cked up, but whatever.'" To which admitted cheater Kristin replied, "That's what I would do! That's what I used to do." Kristin then giggled at herself, sadly not adding, "Ahh, I'm such a slut."

Nevertheless, Kristin actually did seem to be correct in this instance, but Jessica would have none of it. You see, Jessica is, how do you say, dumb. And as the girls kept impressing upon her that Jason was lying to her, Jess finally snapped and busted out a completely random but welcomed midwestern accent: "Like Kristen, like no offense, but you can get any guy you want -- anytime, any place. You cayan. I'm sorry, you cayan. But I cayan't! I'm a different person, but I cayan't!" Oh ya! You betcha!

Jessica then employed some enjoyably illogical logic by saying that every guy she's been with has treated her like shit. So now, she's only going to break up with Jason if she has solid proof of him cheating on her. Okay, okay, okay. Let's deconstruct this bit of ridiculousness. How does Jason's dubious behavior (lying, not calling) not qualify as being treated badly as well? And since when does "You can't prove that I cheated" qualify as a healthy, loving backbone to a relationship? AND WHY THE HELL AM I DECONSTRUCTING THIS? AHH!!! I've become one of them!!!

Anyway, speaking of Jason, the hunky dreamboat was now in Morgan's backyard talking to Alex (the non-Roz one). The two flirtatiously talked about really nothing at all -- honestly, I don't remember one bit of their conversation beyond just "Yeah" and "Uh huh" -- but I guess that's because they were too busy eye-f*cking each other instead. Oh yeah, I said it. Unfortunately, there was no cheating, but I would highly encourage it. After all, this Alex chick seemed way cooler than the needy Mary Jo Buttafuoco that is Jessica.

We then cut to commercial, and just as we returned to the show, we caught a brief promo for MTV.com where LC engaged us in a fascinating account of how she once lost her shoes at a bonfire. Riveting.

Posted by B-side on August 3, 2005 7:26 PM