The show began with former art student and current sitter-arounder LC preparing for her big trip to Mexico. You see, it was her birthday coming up, and what better way to celebrate than by heading south and checkin' out the donkey show? Well, actually, she probably wasn't going to hit up that sordid spectacle of bestiality, but then again, how were we supposed to know what the hell she had planned. I know her mother didn't. Momma LC popped into the bedroom to clock in some valuable face (lifted) time and once again proved to us that she most likely won't be written up in Modern Parenting magazine anytime soon. The woman seemed unfazed that her daughter was traveling to another country — beyond Tijuana no less —to booze it up with her friends. Mom's only request: give a ring in the morning (you know, after the gang bangs and drugs and whatnot). "Just want to know you made it through the night, not like Marissa from The OC," LC's mom said. Hey, you know what's a good way to prevent a Marissa-like fate? Don't let your daughter drive to Mexico! Man, remember the days when parents were smart? Yeah, that was fun.

Anyway, this limp bit of laissez-faire parenting ushered in our favorite Laguna chanteuse, Hilary Duff, who once again regaled us with her timeless musing about fitting circles into the squares. So geometric, yet so poetic. This lyric, by the way, confirms my suspicions that Hilary Duff still plays with Fisher Price toys.

After the opening credits passed, we learned the profound title of this episode: "It's hard to say goodbye." Yeah. So true. Hence, the Laguna kids returning for a second season of on-camera idiocy. Speaking of which, we soon gazed upon that trinity of vapidity known as Kristin, Jessica, and Alex H. (or Roz, as I like to call her, in honor of her Peri Gilpin face). The gals were up to their usual nattering as they aimlessly browsed through clothing with the sort of ennui that's usually reserved for lobotomy patients. Today's hot topic of conversation was Kristin's birthday. Our gravel-voiced dolt could not believe that she had turned eighteen. Seriously. She doesn't know how to read calendars. She totally thought her birthday was next week.

Anyway, Kristin attempted to figure out what the big surprise celebration would be, but her sidekicks were surprisingly tight-lipped. "I think it's gonna be some dinner thing... just because it's so, that's what everyone does," surmised Inspector Kristin.

"Well, we're not like everyone else, so you're wrong," replied Alex. Shut up, ROZ! Just because you're Frasier's radio producer doesn't mean you can get all high and mighty. By the way, if Alex H. is Roz, who are the rest of her buddies? I'm saying Jessica is Daphne and Kristin is... MARTIN CRANE. Totally. I mean, she's already got the old man voice. All she needs is a cane and an ugly lazy-boy, and then she'll be like Termanatrix version of John Mahoney.

Okay, these pop culture references are getting a bit too complex. Let's get back to the show. Anyway, Roz and Jessica asked Kristin if there was anyone she didn't want at her party, and after some careful thought, the birthday brat said that Taylor should not be invited. Great. That won't be awkward. I could only hope there'd be another manicure run-in like last season's awkward LC & Lo showdown with Christina and Morgan (or the blondes vs. the fats, as I like to call it).

Speaking of Taylor, she was like totally getting ready for her big date with Talan, the blank-faced surfer dude who's greatest contribution to this show has been having a weird name. If these two become a couple, what are we going to name them? Taylan? Talor? Dumb? I'll have to work on it. Meanwhile, as Taylor struggled with sartorial decisions, her mom Karen popped into her room to show America that she was one of those cool, hip parents. "Hey Tay," said Karen before plopping down on her daughter's bed and gossiping. She kind of reminded me of a more pathetic version of Amy Poehler's character in Mean Girls. As the two giggled and gabbed about Talan, mom noted, "You've never been out to dinner alone with another boy-- besides TYLER!" And judging by Karen's suddenly fab inflection, we'll just assume Tyler is that random, loud gay guy who shows up every few episodes, usually during a group dinner scene. Nevertheless, Taylor raised up what I thought was a dish rag but was actually a dress and asked her mom if it was appropriate for dinner. Karen replied yes, and then asked, "Do you think he'll try to kiss you?" She then added, "I need to know, on account of my pathetic need to vicariously relive my teen years through you." Hey Karen, YOU'RE NOT SEVENTEEN.

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Posted by B-side on August 9, 2005 3:22 PM