Meanwhile, on the highway, LC drove down to Mexico with Stephen, Stephen's squirrelly sidekick Dieter, and some girl named Kaitlyn. The conversation turned juicy as LC asked Dieter who he'd rather hook up with: Christina or Morgan (chipmunk Morgan, not new Morgan). Dieter had a swift answer for the dilemma: "Definitely never Morgan." Ouch! That hurts. Well, Dieter, maybe you didn't see the premiere episode, but FYI, Morgan has been dating. That's right. At whichever Mormon university she's been attending, she's considered hot, HOT shit. So get in line, fellas. The chipmunk is in demand.

Back in town, Taylor's first non-Tyler date with Talan seemed to be off to a great start. And how could it not be? Talan's name is two syllables and starts with a T. Yeah, I know, scary. Hey Taylor: how's your date... WITH DESTINY? As the two exchanged sweet nothings (seriously, they had nothing to say), Talan decided to up the ante with a few cheesy lines. "Every girl I try to date, I compare to you. But there's no comparison," he said. Well rehearsed, Talan. Well rehearsed.

After a few more labored lines, Talan then admitted, "It was really hard for me to say that." To which Taylor replied, "Oh, it was cute." Cute? Cute?? How about a thank you? But no. Instead Taylor simply smiled bashfully, and I was shocked that her mother didn't rush into the restaurant and ask, "So, what did he say? Did you two kiss yet? Like oh my god, TELL ME EVERYTHING!"

Meanwhile, at the Rosarito Hotel, a.k.a. The Shabby Crack Den of Love, a bunch of waiters hovered over LC and sang her "Happy Birthday." It was a pleasant moment that was ruined, however, by LC's hoarse friend Kaitlyn who sang along so atonally I thought all the piñatas in a three mile radius might explode. Click here to hear her.

After the commercial break, Alex M., Morgan (not the Mormon one - WHO'S BEEN DATING, FYI), Taylor, and Talan all sat around discussing something -- who knows what. Talan excused himself for a lunch and kissed Taylor goodbye (awwww!!! Like OMG, he's sooo sweet!). As soon as he was out of earshot, the girls of course immediately began gabbing about him. Are they dating? What's the deal with him? Does he even realize how close his name is to a palindrome? Taylor said she didn't really know what was up -- Talan's weird, you know? Taylor's mom then appeared out of nowhere and shook her daughter by the shoulders. "TELL ME MORE! TELL ME MORE!!!! Your love life is the nectar I need for my pathetic existence. DO NOT DEPRIVE ME!!!!"

Elsewhere, Kristin studied herself in the mirror while a bored Jessica and Alex sat on her bed. "Should I wear this?" Kristin asked in her donkey drawl. Her buddies said yeah, and then it was time for the official Sidekick Gift Ceremony. Alex handed her master a small Tiffany box, and we could practically hear Kristin salivating, "Gimme gimme gimme gimme!!!!" Shrill squeals of joy burst from Kristin's mouth as she opened the box and found a pair of earrings. "Alex, those are SO cute!" gushed the birthday girl. Awww, Roz! You did good! But the sidekick's moment in the spotlight was soon undermined by that no-good ex-boyfriend Stephen who called Kristin to say happy birthday. Upon answering the phone, Kristin rolled her eyes, scoffed, and then did her part to make the conversation as awkward and cold as possible. After some terse goodbyes, the birthday girl hung up the phone and then complained, "Why can't he just like grow up and like talk to me?" Uh, I think that's what he was trying to do, dumbass.

Anyway, Kristin and the girls headed to a local Laguna restaurant (not Dave and Buster's, FYI) where everyone -- minus Taylor -- was waiting. OMG it was like such a great time! So glad Taylor wasn't there. She would have been all like "I'm Taylor" and like "Oh look at me." Actually, Taylor's boyfriend Talan was at the party (way to bring along your girl), and he even made an inarticulate toast to boot. This of course prompted Kristin to tell him how good he looked (she's won over by dumb, rambling speeches) and that they should hang out. Totes! So if Kristin is John Mahoney, does that make Talan Wendy Mallick? Because I would be totally down for that.

Down in Mexico, the kids were partying it up. Kind of. They FINALLY left their hotel and headed into what appeared to be an empty club where LC and Stephen mounted a mechanical bull and were promptly ejected. Thrilling. Just when we thought this trip couldn't be any duller, the kids then took the party to an empty, dimly-lit jazz club. It was like Collateral, except instead of Tom Cruise, we had Stephen. And instead of Jamie Foxx, we had boring. Honestly, this vacation was so lackluster, I thought the group might just spend the rest of the evening playing marbles or doodling.

Actually, there was some mild excitement later on as Stephen and LC shared a room for the night. I'm sure this did nothing less than rankle poor Dieter. Nothing hurts a sidekick more than when his master shuns him for a girl. Dieter than ambled drunkenly through Rosarito while Green Day crooned, "I walk a lonely road..." Okay, to be fair, that sequence only happened in my brain (home of such fantasies as Kristin-gets-hit-by-a-Mack-truck, Kristin-gets-hit-by-a-cement-mixer, and Kristin-gets-hit-by-any-generic-fast-moving-object).

Posted by B-side on August 9, 2005 3:22 PM