OMG!!! Jassica No More?? - 
by B-side
We've had to deal with a lot of high-profile celebrity breakups, but few have been as rough as the heart-wrenching demise of Laguna Beach's very own Jason and Jessica, also known as Jassica (or Jesson, whichever you prefer). I know what you're thinking. Are they really over and done? Is there such a thing as love at first TRL appearance anymore? If they can't make it work, what hope do the rest of us have?
Just take a deep breath, people. We'll get through this together. If we could survive Kristin and Stephen (and lord knows that was a doozy), we'll somehow, someway get through this dark chapter in Laguna town history. For the moment though, I'm going to light a tea candle vigil for our departed lovebirds in the hopes that maybe this fairy tale romance might somehow rekindle itself.
Oh, who am I kidding? I was nearly dancing on the couch this episode as Jessica finally got bitchslapped with reality and lost the boy she should have dropped several weeks ago. Serves her right for complaining instead of dumping. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's start at the beginning.
As usual, the show opened with Kristin regaling us with more tales of The 'Guna. "I've been hanging out with Talan," she narrated, "But he just wasn't boyfriend material." OH SNAP! The show's three seconds old and already Talan's been taken to school. That's okay. Last I heard, he spent the early part of this summer galavanting around with Lindsay Lohan. I'm sure Kristin's boyfriend assessment was the least of his concerns. As for his missing stash of coke? Well, let's just say, he hasn't seen Lindsay since. Wow, that was totally libelous, especially since I just made it up. Libel is fun!
Anyway, Roz and Kristin sat by a window and talked about how Stephen was coming to town. He apparently wanted to take Kristin out to dinner, causing Roz to coo, "You're a pimp." Kristin simply laughed back, "A P.I.M.P." Yes. Much the way Roz is a S.I.D.E.K.I.C.K. What? You never heard that 50 Cent song? It's off his rare Laguna Beach Mixtape Vol. 3. Little known fact: the "G" in G-Unit stands for 'Guna.
After we Duffed out on the opening credits, we discovered the title of this episode was the cheery "I Hate Valentine's Day." And by the way, the people who say they hate Valentine's Day actually looooove it but just don't want to admit it (usually because they don't have a date). Take THAT, Valentine's haters!
Anyway, the ever-annoying Lo returned to the show, this time toting her nervous-looking boyfriend, Patrick, who may or may not be Keanu Reeve's long lost child. The two trudged down LC's outdoor staircase (home to all sorts of unflattering angles) and then reunited with the college dropout inside the mansion. Patrick, who observed everything like a frightened hamster, loosened up a little, even going so far as to make some jokes. But of course, killjoy LC had to ruin everyone's moods by hating on Valentine's Day. Oh boo-hoo. Maybe you should be out meeting people in college instead of hanging around your parents' house, waiting for the MTV cameras to come calling? Wow, that was quite parental of me.
Elsewhere in Laguna, Stephen reunited with his sidekick Dieter who ALSO happened to be home from college. Since when did Valentine's Day warrant a college homecoming? A cynical part of me believes these kids are just hopping at any opportunity to return to the MTV cameras. I don't even want to know what stunts they'll pull for Arbor Day.
Anyway, Dieter and Stephen shared some meaningful glances, and as they muttered about their Valentines, we saw that a) Dieter has packed on his Freshman 15 quite impressively, and b) Stephen's hair is prone to afternoon puffiness. Pretty exciting stuff.
Meanwhile, Kristin was the latest loudmouth to jump on the "I Anti-Heart Valentine's Day" bandwagon. As she complained and prepared for a big night out with Stephen, Roz sat alone and dejected on a bed, wisely noting that the people who always whine about Valentine's always have plans (nice insight, Roz. Just goes to show. Years of observing Dr. Frasier Crane have really paid off!). "At least you have something to do tonight," rebuffed Roz to Kristin's latest complaint. Poor Roz. Nothing to do on Valentine's except sit around and wait for her master to call. Well, either that or catch up on her Kelsey Grammar collection (might be a Down Periscope kind of night).
Unfortunately, this affable scene was promptly ruined by the always-annoying Jessica who unsurprisingly had a story that was technically meant to cheer Roz up, but only served to readjust the spotlight on Jessica instead. "I just spent a hundred dollars on cookie stuff and candles!" she exclaimed, as if they had JUST been talking about cookie stuff and candles (which they weren't). Hey Jessica, did you happen to buy a muzzle too by any chance? It's sad that I now regard Kristin as the normal, cool one (next to Rozzy).
Just when I thought this scene couldn't get any worse, Roz brought the news that we so feared: "Jessica, Jason is calling your phone. I'm not even kidding." Great. More drama. "What?" asked Jessica, suddenly excited. "Jason's calling. Should I get it?" responded Roz. With a smile creeping over her face, Jessica replied, "No, let me answer." The new cookie and candle owner bounded out of the bathroom, at which point Roz laughed and said, "I'm just kidding. I'm bored." I LOVE ROZ!!
Anyway, while Kristin went off to dinner with Stephen, Jessica attempted to make things romantic for Jason by lighting what seemed like thousands of tea candles in her living room. "Jessica, he's just your boyfriend. He's just coming over for dinner with you," remarked her friend Courtney. Amen to that. Maybe with a little luck, Jessica will catch on fire. Or at least her $100 worth of cookies will.
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