Meanwhile, Kristin and Stephen opted to shun 'Guna fave Pasta Pomodoro in favor of the classier Rumari's, home of the giant lobster entrée (was I the only one who salivated over the massive chunks of lobster Kristin was shoveling onto her fork?). The two former lovers had some strained but flirtatious dialogue, with the ever articulate Kristin finally proclaiming, "Yeah, every time I see you, I feel like. Like it's fi--, you know, like uh, whatever. You know what I'm trying to say?" Not really, but well-stated nonetheless.

Must... Eat... Lobster...

Maybe we should go back to Jessica and see how her romantic evening with a bag of tea candles and cookie dough is going. Well, it wasn't really "going" as much as it was "slowly rolling to an awkward stop." Yes, Jason showed up with takeout food, and as they quietly took their seats (he on the couch, she on the floor), the scene unfolded with the uncomfortable charm of a first date from hell. Granted, I'm sure the lumbering MTV cameras didn't help, but this was what we like to call a horrendous dinner. Not only did they have little to talk about, but the times when they did open their mouths, it was usually to impart passive-aggressive comments. Well, actually, Jason was more aggressive than passive. "You're a bad influence on me. I shouldn't be with you." Happy Valentine's!!

The next day, the royal triumvirate of Kristin, Roz, and Jessica met to talk about their Valentine's Days. Well, not Roz. As we all know, she was home alone; unloved and spurned, as usual. Kristin babbled a little bit about Stephen, but then it was time for Jessica to kvetch, and sure enough, she assaulted us with her same old whining. "He never calls! Never wants to hang out!" HE. DOES NOT. LIKE YOU. Do you want him to put it in sky writing??

Thankfully, Kristin and Roz were just as fed up as the rest of us and once again told their annoying friend that they had no sympathy for her. The two listed several reasons why she should dump Jason, but Jessica merely put her hands over her ears and did the whole "la la la" routine. So yes, she actively denied reality. Idiot. Roz better call Frasier on over. We'll need his help.

Meanwhile, Stephen decided to surprise LC with flowers and chocolates. It was the least he could do, considering he had spurned her for Kristin on Valentine's Day (not that LC even knew). Anyway, Stephen showed up at LC's door, causing her the squeal with joy and shower him with hugs and (in her head, at least) kisses. OMG! Stephen's back!!! Yay!!! LC hadn't seen him in like three and a half weeks!!

Unfortunately, this visit was merely a pop-in, and no sooner had he arrived than he was gone. LC retreated to the kitchen with her chocolates where she and her friend dug in with rabid delight. "He gave you candy too?" asked LC's dad. "You know what that means. 'I Love You.'" Shut up, DAD!

We then returned to Jessica's house where we quickly discovered that her phone ringtone was just as annoying as she was. The best way I can describe it is some hybrid between sleigh bells and a mosquito. Anyway, this scene was actually surprisingly awesome, if only because we got to witness Jason not only dumping Jessica, but dumping her on the phone. Okay, we should probably move her into a padded cell now.

Later, Jason and Cedric spent a romantic evening together enjoying some of the finest culinary delights Wahoo's Fish Tacos had to offer. Of course, Cedric was quite excited about the big breakup (he ever so hated being the other woman). "I thought she was going to kill herself," laughed Cedric. Yeah, my thoughts exactly. But then I remembered that she'll probably have to go through her crazy stalker phase first.

Actually, I was wrong on that front too. I forgot that before she could go all Fatal Attraction, Jessica needed the "Psssh. I'm over it. He's the one who's not over it" phase. Sure enough, we caught up with her venting to Kristin, acting as if she were totally fine. And then, as often happens on Laguna Bach, Jason conveniently happened to call up. "It's Jason. Should I answer it?" asked Jessica with a sly smile. Well, of course, she picked up the phone and on the other end, we could hear a loud cackle and then "Hey, it's Roz. GOTCHA AGAIN!!!!! HAHHAHAHAHA!"

Okay, that didn't happen, but Jessica did answer the phone. Jason said he was coming over, and I was kind of confused. Didn't they break up? What else did they need to discuss? Oh that's right, MTV just needed a scene to end on.

So Jason showed up, which was very awkward because Kristin was still sitting there. I kind of hoped that she would stay, just to provide a voice of reason for these two, but she left, unfortunately. The former lovebirds sat on opposite couches and kind of talked, but not really. Jason apologized for being such a dick, but as usual, his smirky little grin popped up, causing Jessica to go ballistic. She wanted to know what was so damn funny, and you just knew that he wanted to say "YOU," but even Jason had some restraint. Either that, or he was reminiscing on his latest tickle fight with Cedric.

Anyway, Jason ultimately said that he and Jessica couldn't be friends like before, and after he left the house (effective conversation!), Jessica completely broke down and all but put out the Bat Signal to get Kristin to come over. Kristin came over quite quickly, which had me wondering if maybe she had been sitting out on the porch the entire time.

Posted by B-side on August 31, 2005 5:21 PM