The episode began with Kristin yammering away about last week as usual. "Mammoth was such a blast!" she gushed. "But poor Jessica. She had no fun." Oh really? That's a shock. She always seems like such a happy, carefree girl. Who would have thought she'd have her entire snowy vacation ruined by her own neuroses? Oh that's right. EVERYONE.

Turns out Jessica was probably better off staying on the slopes (where's she'd hopefully get frostbite... of the head) because when she came home, she learned the awful truth about her ex-boyfriend (of two months): he was dating Alex M.. (ORGAN CHORDS!!!) But even worse, according to Kristin, "now she was gonna have to see them at the bonfire." The BONFIRE??? Not... THE BONFIRE!!! It's only like the worst place ever to see your ex boyfriend! O-M-f*ckin-G!!!

But wait! There's more! Kristin had one more gigantic twist in store for us: "At the same time, the two Alexes were making up." Wait, they were fighting? How could no one tell me Roz was in a fight? That's like a major thing. Sidekicks don't battle masters! It's like a small white guy starting shit up with Suge Knight. It just doesn't happen.

Well, as the show began in earnest, we caught a glimpse of some very rare but very welcomed Alex-on-Alex action. Yes, Alex H. (or Roz, as I like to call her, in honor of her Roz from Frasier likeness) and Alex M. met at a diner to set aside whatever problems had fueled their bitter, hardly-noticed fight. Poor Roz. She seemed so sad. I don't know why. After all, she is the undisputed queen of the intro scene. Seriously, she's in every opening scene. I suppose it's the producers' way of mollifying her after her giant snub from the opening credits. Nevertheless, there was business at hand, and Roz had something important to share. "I do want to start hanging out though. Like more. If you want to," she said tentatively. Uh oh. Was Kristin's sidekick jumping ship? Would this be the new era of Alex and Alex? You know, Jason and Alex are Jasalex. So I guess Alex and Alex would be... uh, Alex? Or maybe Aalleexx. Or maybe Alexlex. Or Alalex. I really hope this merger never happens. It'll totally throw off my nicknaming.

Anyway, as perhaps a way to counter the vaguely lesbianish undertones of this meeting, Alex M. then revealed that Jessica had sent her a text message, asking if she and Jason were dating, to which Alex texted back, "Yeah." Makes sense. But we knew more drama was to come because a) Jessica was involved, and b) we quickly transitioned to Hilary Duff singing that ever-so-horrible but ever-so-perfect opening song. And just in case we weren't sure more problems were on the way, the producers coyly named this episode, "What Goes Around..." Oooh! A dot-dot-dot! An ellipses, if you will. How very Desperate Housewives. I half expected Mary Alice Young's annoying coy-voice to come on the soundtrack and say something like, "Yeeesss. What goes around comes around. For some, too fast. For others, too slow. But for a few unlucky souls, just on time." We then see Teri Hatcher digging a grave or something. Aaand scene.

Now that you've gotten a taste of my Desperate Housewives impersonation, let's move on. So after the opening credits, we came upon Kristin and Jessica who were talking about, you guessed it, Jason and Alex. "When I first found out, I was in class!" Jessica announced as shockwaves instantaneously rolled across America. Wait, Jessica, what is this "class" you talk of? Is that some sort of traditional rickshaw or water craft or light rail? Because according to this show and The OC, no one actually goes to "school" in Orange County. So clearly, "class" had to be referring to something else.

Nevertheless, Kristin wanted more deets from Jessica. "Who told you?" she asked.

"KENDRA," replied Jessica. Kendra??? Oh, that BITCH! Wait, who is she?

But seriously guys, Jessica just wanted to put this all behind her. "I don't want to get worked up over another Laguna rumor," she said, getting worked up over another Laguna rumor. For the record though, Jasalex is a fact, not a rumor. Or as I like to say in my Schwarzenegger voice: It's not a rooomah!

Of course, this led to the infamous Jessica text message from the opening scene, and when Alex replied to the question "Are you guys dating?" with a succinct "Yeah," this sent Glenn Close 2005 into a furor. After all, what sort of raging bitch replies "Yeah" to a yes or no question? That would be like asking a girl her name and her giving you HER NAME! WTF??? There's no room for logic in Laguna!

Posted by B-side on September 13, 2005 2:51 AM