Later, at 24 Hour Fitness, Taylor hounded Alex M. (she of the bitchy "Yeah" responses) about a fresh new hickey on her neck, courtesy of Jason. You see, Jason had gotten drunk and thought Alex was Cedric and, oh never mind, it's not important. Anyway, when the hickey discussion had run its course (no cardio pun intended), the girls set their sights on the upcoming bonfire (yay!) and how awkward it would be (boo!). Look, as long as someone falls in the flames, I'll be happy.

Speaking of which, Kristin, Roz, and Jessica all headed out for the big Laguna détente with mixed emotions. "Are you guys excited?" asked Kristin. Um, hellloooo? The bonfire is only like the BEST night of the year! Of course we were excited!

Well, okay, maybe not all of us. Jessica wasn't too pro-bonfizzle, but that's only because Jason and Alex were slated to be there, and those wounds from the eight-week relationship were still fresh. Nevertheless, as a founding member of the Laguna Council for Clique Unity, Roz was ever the bonfire booster, declaring, "We can make it fun if it's not!" Roz LOVES the peace bonfire! Hmmm... I wonder if Bono will show up? Peace Bonofire, if you will. (I know. Wah wah wah.)

Anyway, the gals all showed up on the beach and met up with various other members of the Laguna clan (no minorities allowed, thank you very much), including the always-welcomed Casey and her unique brand of beachware, a.k.a. high heels. Unfortunately, her adorable housekeeper Imelda was nowhere in sight, which meant a big nada for the fire-roasted quesadillas, or Casey-dillas as I like to call them.

It didn't take long for the claws to come out as all the girls snickered amongst their cliques. Jessica, meanwhile, looked off into the distance, perhaps hoping her pink granny hat would shield her from the ensuing awkwardness of Jasalex. Worst peace bonfire EVER!

At least some people were having fun. Yes, Cedric was having a blast with the wieners (insert appropriate Cedric/hot dog/penis/gay comment here) while Talan marveled at the HILARious sight of his burnt hot dog. I know. The wonders of charred beef franks never cease to amaze.

Eventually, things got underway as Alex, Taylor, and their joint sidekick Morgan showed up at the peace bonfire. Oh, and that kid with the big, red hair (Darth Carrot Top, as we like to call him) was there too. Scratch what I said before. Best peace bonfire EVER!

As the flames of unity flickered in the pit, the groups seemed to mix and mingle a bit more. The invisible barriers of mistrust and resentment soon fell like the mighty Berlin Wall, especially as conversation wandered onto the always fascinating topic of sunglasses (of which nearly everyone had the same type). Just when I thought this peace bonfire -- or PeaBon -- was going to be an unmitigated success, disaster struck. No, the earth didn't suddenly swallow the kids up in a Laguna sinkhole of cosmic justice. Instead, Jessica and Alex went off to have a "talk" about Jason. And by "talk," I mean general voicing of various self-delusions.

"I was never mad," explained Jessica. "I was extremely bummed out." Oh, okay. That's totally false, but entertaining, so go on: "I guess I was like really, really just surprised." Ah, another solid dose of denial. All right Jessica. It's the bottom of the ninth. Bases loaded. Full count. Knock this baby out of the park!!

"It takes a lot to make me really, truly mad."

GRAND SLAM! Well done Jessica! That's the sort of self-delusion the kids pay the big bucks for! Bravo!

Yes, it takes a lot for Jessica to get mad. This coming from a girl who probably sent a hostile missive to Coca-Cola when her 2-liter went flat. "Dear Coca-Cola: Why did you do that? I wish you'd just be HONEST with me!! I didn't know the soda would go flat. How was I supposed to know that? YOU DIDN'T TELL ME!! And you never call! You never want to hang out!! Write me back. I love you. xoxoxoxo Jessica."

Anyway, things got real interesting with the arrival of Jason -- or "J. Wall" as he's affectionately known by his crew. This led to many hugs and kisses with Alex, which was pretty funny because about five minutes prior, she had just told Jessica that she would never kiss Jason in front of her. Oh well. Guess the peace bonfire could only be so effective.

Oh, I'm totally cool with Jason and Alex together. They look really happy.

DON'T LEAVE ME, JASON!

The next day, Kristin and her cronies ambled through the crowded streets of Laguna, reliving all the smoky memories of the biggest and most important gathering since Live 8. "Did you guys have fun last night?" she asked.

"I had fun," replied Roz. Well, of course you did, ROZ. You organized the damn thing. Maybe you and Bob Geldof should just go off and get married and throw activist bonfires for high schoolers all over the world.

Later, Roz noted, "It was like a little peace bonfire." Yeah, we know. We already NAMED it for you. Nevertheless, in the wake of the awareness raised at the previous night's summit, Kristin explained her revised opinion on Taylor. "Like Taylor, I don't not like her. I just don't care for her. You know?" Not really.

Like totally.

Meanwhile, over on the links, Talan and Cedric were passing the afternoon with a lighthearted round of golf. What is up with this episode? First we see Roz dining with Alex, then Cedric with Talan. The sidekicks are all revolting! Oh wait, false alarm. Turns out Jason was lingering just off camera. Phew. It was like waking up from a really bad dream.

Posted by B-side on September 13, 2005 2:51 AM